Waiting on Struggle street.

Hey 26aqua,

Good on you for posting this and reaching out. SO MANY positves in what you just wrote, in that you painted a clear picture of your situation.

Most things you've just explained, I've been through. I call that anger you described, 'The Hulk'. This guy is a big, dumb guy that comes out in the worst ways, we regret everything he/she does, but we cannot control it. It is the worst. The Hulk causes the worst damage to people around us. I've unleashed verbally on my wife, in front of my 4yo punching walls, seething at the mouth. I've lashed out at friends, damaged relationships. I really don't like this guy hanging around. I put him to bed this year.

I've experienced a lot of what you described with goosebumps, noises, etc. I've sat in a chair that has been rocked side to side for a few minutes. So I can relate to those experiences. I personally accepted them as something supernatural, I didn't let them freak me out. Some things in this world are unexplainable. I have a faith in God, so I choose to believe that God will always look after me, and He has. But that may not be everybody's cup of tea of belief, no problem.

I have been through the system with a tonne of diagnosis. Depression, anxiety, bipolar, then not bipolar?? Trauma, mood disorder, personality disorder, psychosis, suicidal and so many other diagnosis inbetween. That's just the short version.

It is clear that you've experienced childhood trauma as you expressed. I've got trauma from neglect from my father, not giving the love and attention I needed, with a lot of strict rules and judgement.

Do you feel like life has just turned into a perfect storm of events, emotions and contributing factors, to get you to this point where you are struggling to control your emotions and it's hard to make sense of it all?

Regarding the delusions or questioning if they are delusions. I got to the point where I became suspicious of everything around me. That suspicion turned to paranoia. That paranoia lead me to believe all kinds of things were going on, when in reality, they weren't. I called the police on my own wife under suspicion that was completely false. I thought the FBI was hacking my phone. I was rushed to ED with uncontrollable, histerical, emotional screaming. Plus so many other crazy thoughts and events.

My psychologist described these events as a mental lockdown. Life events became so traumatic, help was so hard to find, my trauma was coming out in so many different ways, compounding and becoming so toxic, that I ended up creating a whole different false reality to suit my own beliefs, to keep me safe. When in actual fact, it was so dangerous, to me and others.

I've been at the place you're at right now. Completely confused and desperate to improve your situation. Unable to control your emotions, and not wanting them to continue. Completely desperate and desolate.

The huge positive here is that you recognise everything, you want help and you want to change. This in itself is the best place you can be in, the best perspective. Because when I was where you were at, I let these things get the best of me and became suicidal, when waiting for someone to help, like you are. But the 1 thing I never did, was reach out on a forum or call a hotline. So you are steps ahead of where I was.

I know help can be a while away. I found talking therapy very useful. I'm on a small dose anti-psychotic now too, mainly for sleep repair. However, talking therapy is still the best medicine for me. Your honesty and transparency is beautiful. Your effort to seek help is admirable. It feels like the world is closing in, and the lanes are ending, but just know that they aren't. It's the mental illness talking.

I'm sorry if this is forward, but I just want you to know that life does get better, and there are solutions to your problems. Unfortunately though, time is one of the biggest healers. It bloody sucks. We want someone to reach down and fix it all for us, but it sometimes doesn't work that way. Time and patience are so hard to accept, but they are actually really important with healing.

Just know you will find your solutions, your behaviours and circumstances will improve, life will improve.

If you feel like opening up more and getting into some details so people can help more, go for it. There's no judgement.

I think though, what you're looking for right now is just some bloody help, answers and direction. I get it. I'm here if you wanna chat.

I've said all of the above, because I want you to know you are most definitely not alone in your thoughts, feelings and experiences. Didn't you know the new trend in 2020 is to go a bit crazy 😉. I think that we as the people that experience this stuff, really get the opportunity to understand the mind and how it works, a lot more than some people that just seem to cruise through life. So don't beat yourself up too much. This stuff is actually normal to go through, it's a combination of many factors that the cards of life deal us. We just want to figure some things out, learn, get some help, and keep on trucking in the right direction. 💜

Feel free to keep spewing your thoughts out. I appreciate you posting this, it actually makes me feel more normal about my events of 2020. I love talking therapy, so just reading other people's stuff is healing for me.

Hi @Surfer37

Just a quick tip from the moderator. If you put @ before the member's name to "tag" them they will get a notification that you are posting to them. Like I have done for you.

cheers

Whitehawk

Hi @26aqua not sure what to write back but wanted to say I've read your post and can understand some of your struggle especially the thing about feeling like your heart might burst. I've had the paranoia too which I don't think was/is psychosis for me. I can't say what it is but I think it's possible to have that with other things too.

im glad you're trying to find ways to hold on. Hope here helps

Hey @Surfer37

Thank you so much for sharing.

Today is actually a good day for me, although sleep has been a huge issue these days. If I can get to sleep, it lasts 3.5/4 hrs and then try as I might, I can't get back to sleep.

Everything starts to rush in, all the thoughts and worries eating at me keep playing.

I have conversations in my head with myself or play out something I want to say to someone but that person is also in my head interacting in that conversation, THEN because I already 'know' the outcome of conversation I don't bother having it with the actual person.

So I kinda think half my problem with communication is getting it out of my head and into an actual dialog with another physical human.

I don't know about you, but I also try to think of normal circumstances, like a normal daily routine when I'm overloaded, only everything that could go wrong does go wrong. All the worst possible outcomes of a seemingly normal day becomes a terrible accident or tragedy (family, kids, someone I care about meeting an untimely and unnatural demise) or nightmare - but I am completely awake. This is all playing like a movie in my head.

I'll try to breath deeply and put myself in a different scenario, I'll choose a beach or forest and it will just be me relaxing, enjoying and then here it comes, the people I love and horror scenes.

I had one particular type of scenario that used to play all the time and it was the only one i ever had until I had my own children, from when I was as young as I can remember. It's quiet distressing and involves my sister as a baby - at times I would call her to make sure she was ok because it felt like I was being warned, she needs protection.

Strangely enough, this isn't the first time I've sat in this chair, wanting, needing, screaming "please just help me".

Most times it has been when the depression hits. In the last 5 years I've been trying to understand why and where all this anger comes from.

CSA, trauma from family being split up (6 kids and 4 father's/same mother and 2 of us went interstate at different and same times) trauma from seeing my mum's mental health and hospitalization, and even though I didn't see the procedure I saw my mum in a chair just after ECT - not a nice thing for an 11yr old to see (clearly not her fault, we were visiting the hospital to see her). I was in a toxic relationship for fear of making the same mistakes of a broken family for 13 years.

I've had PTSD thrown around, due to childhood past and even did EMT with a psychologist - and ultimately it helped to a degree.

I've had flash backs this past 2mths, something I haven't had to deal with for years and it has caused alot of issues for my s/o and I.

The falling out with my sister was due to my behaviours and circumstances and flipping the f out at everyone. In saying that, I was super stressed at the time, had been driving between my home and my s/o who lived 10.5hrs drive away, was working 6 days, training twice a day and had so much on when I told my sister anyone would flip out she replied with "get your shit together" funnily enough I had been to my GP, I had been put on a low dose SSRI and in that first 6wks my boss asked me if I was ok and if I maybe needed my meds dropped as I seemed way too happy, bubbly, energised and non stop chatty. (She has a daughter with bipolar and is very familiar with other mental health illnesses). I asked my family if they thought I was so different and I think they were just glad to see me doing things again.

Then within 8 weeks I decided to move interstate. It was a thought at first, a "yeah right, as if you would" and I reckon it was nearly a challenge to myself. A challenge to rely on only me. I can do this.

It all happened really quick, I came interstate to visit my s/o and found jobs in my company I could apply for, I was interviewed within a week and got the position on the day. It also meant being promoted - so why did my family think so badly of it. When I came home to tell them, they were shocked and concerned. But within 3 weeks I packed my 3 bed rental, my 2 kids and threw out 2 skip bins and packed my life into a budget truck and drove 10.5hrs to my new life. Leaving destroyed relationships behind.

I was on SSRI for 17mths. I went to another GP in jan/Feb this year, told her issues that were creeping in again, anger, aggression, snappy, can't sleep but I didn't feel depressed, I felt overwhelmed and overloaded. She said to double my low dose and because I'd been on them so long, my body would be fine to adjust.

For 3 solid weeks taking that extra dose I nearly ruined my relationship. I threw the pills away and said I'm done the day after I got heavily intoxicated and tried to fight my s/o. I literally chest bumped him, puffed up, shoulders ready and set - I'm ready to go you. He was terrified. He made me move out of the house, I got my own rental and slowly we put things back together. But that was his realisation I wasn't "right".

I've had a friendship fall out over it, in saying that it's one I've been trying to sever ties with for a long time. She was jealous and bitter over other issues she couldn't separate and was dealing with her own traumas. It's actually not a friendship I miss, in fact it was probably more toxic than the relationship with my ex of 13yrs.

Tbh this isn't my first rodeo on this struggle street path, normally by the time I see someone things have settled down and so I go on with the "ah, she's right as rain, socks are up and getting shit done" attitude.

This time, I know it won't get better, I know it will come back to bite me.

My s/o is unwell, untreated cancer. His body, his choice and I fully support him in his own choices but it does have a big impact on our life. The unknown, we don't know how quickly it's progressing or spread and really only can guess by what symptoms he is experiencing. And yet this man, unbelievably patient kind and understanding with me takes all my crap. Tells me he is ok to be my punching bag (not literally) said he is strong and can take the hits - but I don't like it. I hate myself for things I've said to him. The ways I've spoken or screamed or told him so many terrible things he is. Which he absolutely is not. I can't bare to keep doing this to him.

Or my bloody kids - even when they're pulling the punches out on us, skipping school, running away, using bus money to buy freaking junk food, playing their dad against me (he bought them mobile phones without discussing with me after my youngest got suspended for graffiti in toilets) well thanks mate, let's reward shitty behaviour. And you know, I get my kids can see and hear alot of shit, I get they are also on struggle street (thanks to me and 2020) which is even more reason for me to get proper help.

I like how you call that part of you the hulk. My partner and I called me a hippopotamus - I came up with the animal, because when she is left alone and happy she is calm and sleepy and under that water minding her own bloody business, until she is threatened then by geesuz you better be fast because she is dangerous and vicious and out to for blood.

Ok I've done alot of reflecting this past year and I really don't remember a time I can say I felt normal or wasn't either depressed, unmotivated, aggressive, risky or 'out there'. Ive been nicknamed little tripper and had my temper put down to my red hair colouring - yep a natural auburn colour but really let's base my personality traits on my hair colour 🤨

During school I was the girl the other girls sought for help with bullies, yet I was never physically in a fight. They just needed me to scare people, because you're our little psycho!

What scares me most are the physical things happening to my body during these states.

I feel my heart racing, pounding, so fast. I get chest pains and my shoulders get tense. My jaw clenches and can stay in clenched state for days on end. When I'm super agitated I can go days without properly eating. Which sends me dizzy and faint, no I don't like not eating I actually LOVE food, so when it tastes and feels like I'm chewing on cardboard it concerns me. But my s/o will try so many ways to get me to eat - all end up with me upset and nauseous.

Or the worst, when I'm in a state and he says "calm down, you're acting like a pork chop" hah, hold onto your hats gentleman - this ride just got scary!

Really I could go on for hours. And keep going. Always so much in my head and some things are just too hard to explain to others.

So thank you for taking time to read my experience. I thank you also for sharing yours.

@26aqua

Happy I could help.

I can relate to always moving past problems straight onto new ventures. Having moved 9 times before 12yo, I can relate. I think much of our childhood behaviours translate into adulthood and we don't even know it. We just end up with a world of problems and struggle to understand where the come from.

I struggled with sleep when in my bad states. Sleep is just so important for any mental illness. I know it's probably easy for me to say, and hard to execute. But finding the right sleeping tablet, med, that helps with that sleep repair with be so beneficial. And I know when we get bad, we numb with a substance, it's normal. But these are also huge contributing factors. I think we all know this one right? I still want to do certain things to feel good or numb, but I gotta make those choices for myself, and the next day I feel better about myself for not drinking too much, or smoking those ciggies that ruin my training. So easy to say, i know, but all these little things to add up to positive change.

Your situation seems like it's a combination of so many factors. Trauma or PTSD might be what's causing a lot of this. From how you describe it, it seems like you basically have uncontrollable episodes, triggered straight into a mindset of anger and destruction.

I feel there may be other people on this forum that may have more experience with this type of behaviour and potential methods of pathways to recommend.

It sounds like you have some serious things going on. I commend you for sharing and hope your situation improves.