My life turned upside down

Hi Sanefourms!

I would like to share and get some feed back. If you can relate please share about how you were able to move on. Its really long and probably could be shorten along. will put TL:DR

Here is my story.

About two years ago, I was in college with a workload 16 units and working 35 hours a week and smoking canabis like it going out of style since my senior year of High school. I had experience a slight sadness before going into fall semster and shook it off by the time arrived back to school. (summertime sadness right?) My friends and I met the girls across the hall which two of them are beauts and the other two are friendily. fast forward two months, still puffin along. Midterms are in full swing, work its getting busy at night and I am hitting it off with the cute one! My buddy decides to make brownies... I take two for the weekend. I eat one, no problem. The night consisted of movies, computer games, The banter with the cutie! Life in that moment was manageable.

Round 2: Recreate last night. lol

I munch down a brownie, jump on the computer, text the cutie she respawns with Jello shot. I am perfectly content with myself so I hard pass. My buddy pings me with

Buddy: "Cutie has jelloshots, I cannot talk to quiet and shy roommate."

Gone Looking : "Nah, you got this...

Buddy: "HEEEEELP MEEEEE"

Gone Looking: "coming"

I am stoned at this point, Anxiety flairing, feeling like I am naked, walking into room, See cutie, exchange hellos, she blushing like a red tomato, say hello to other people in this party, Someone calls cutie a tomato face. hella funny right. shouldnt laugh. do anyways.

At this point everyone is looking for a place to party on campus.. Apparently I am the lead on this one. I have not clue what I have gotten myself into. When did I turn into the leader?..

"Why am I not in PJ's chilling watching pineapple express??"

Find house to enjoy jello at. pass on the drinks due and feel left out drink shitty red wine, shitty vodka, shitty gin because jello is gone. at this point more high then anything. Everyone is standing around the table waiting for my "orders" I dont have the slightest clue execpt earn some brownie points with cutie. Try to suppress that. Someone ask about STD. Fuck.

Go to the park. Cold, anxious, tired, still stoned. Roommate that I am not interested asked sexually, "What do we next?" I lose my God damn mind (literally) because I didnt gather this party, I feel like I am in a dream at this point.. Cutie asked "Is Gonelooking gay?" 😞 I walked with the party to an appartment building, come back to life alittle. I feel like My life has just turned upside down. the girl was concerned I would sexually assault her which was untrue and I did not understand. So I noped out. I said Goodbye to everyone and walked back to my dorm upset. I pride myself on being a gentlemen. Its the most important thing I feel like I lost that night, the self respect and the ablility to conduct myself in a gentlemen like manner. Some of the cutie's roommates walk back with me. One of the roommates wants to play soccer at 4am in the morning. Fine, we have are buds. She has been nothing but Honey and milk. I kick the ball around while she is texting cutie, The roommate and I talk about life and future plans. Almost like plans for taking over the world lol. At this point every thing I have shared with the roommate I no longer believe in. My spirit is crushed. Myself worth gone. I dont have any desire to continue with any of my goals or studies. I lay in a depression for two months, and check myself into a hospital for hearing voices and false belief and depression. That is where my road to recovery begins...

Believe it or not this is the short verison..

Thanks for reading

GoneLooking

TL:DR Life is enjoyable, in school and working, meet girl, Eat a brownie and experience psychosis and depression and false belifs about myself.