just a summary of my my behaviour today

well today Ive lashed out but not by yelling ,ive lashed out quietly and online instead even thogh at one point today I did want to yell at just anyone a family member or someone I know,at one point today I felt like crying,at another point scoffed potato chips,at other points used the online forums of worry room and safe room to vent,I ended up being completely honest about how I felt about just everything,Ive cancelled a visit with another family member,Ive drove around blasting music in my car and just wanted to keep driving,at times putting my foot down on the pedal,Ive said bad things to family again lashing out maybe acting out even though Im an adult,Ive self loathed today,posted on the forums,stayed at home most of the day untill I did go out driving,Ive complained to family,Ive said Im just not in the mood today,Ive had thoughts of refusing to do anything hence staying at home most the day,is it normal for a adult to litteraly throw a tantrum cause they havnt gotten what they really needed,one positive is I did laugh today at one point for a while and I watched a movie just now,maybe just now my ways of expressing my feelings arnt in the best of ways by lashing out at those I love and maybe I do that instead of asking them for help cause maybe I dont want them to know that I need help or I just dont ask for help so I guess my way for asking for support is to lash out instead then I guess I withdraw again into myself to regret the lashing out,maybe I just really need right now what I cant get someone I want to talk to,emotional support so that I dont feel alone cause Ive felt more and more alone its like what people do give me isnt enough at the mommentI need more of something good,someone listening ,im sorry if I dont make time for you like you deserve,I need you im tearing up a bit as I write this but I am sorry,Ill most likely keep being by myself at the moment rather than lashing out it seems put up and shut up and be quiet is my way of thinking at the momment but I will keep posting on here as needed just not talk to my family cause of my bad behaviour today and thats why Im not visiting that family member now either,so just eat,drink and sleep is the plan,sometimes even when your honest you still cant be seen or heard or maybe its that I dont want to be seen at the moment,in short Im lonely,there was anger today too from myself not others,maybe I dont want people to care for me or I cant handle sometimes when others do want to careI dont let myself see it.LostAngel staying quiet for now