Things in Threes

Hi @Appleblossom

Just wanting to let you know that i'm here and listening. I'm glad that you avoided being run over! I get very dazed soemtimes when i'm preoccupied and feeling very stressed.

I'm glad that you were able to go and lodge the requests for inquests, well done. And also great timing before seeing your therapist as well to help debrief it all. Glad that they said something helpful too.

My brain is a bit addled tonight, tired, not well and cray cray children and dog! I'm sorry that my answer is shorter than your post deserves, but i'm here listening and caring,

take care of you tonight,

lj

I think you are already doing a lot of work. And you can trust your gut feeling, and not put too much pressure on yourself in regards to work. You have a lot on your plate already. When you are ready to work you will know. And if that is soon thats fine and if its never then that is fine too. Im writing this for you but also for myself too 🙂 we give ourselves hard times a lot of the time, and expect to be able to work if we are getting more well, but sometimes everyone needs a break. I think that you sound very strong and that the things you are accoumplishing are admirable. So keep on shining strong.
P.S. Sorry for your losses, my condolensces

Hi @Appleblossom, that was a huge day. Well done for succeeding. I can't imagine how many things were going through your mind in one day. I suspect you'll be completely emotionally exhausted (and if like me physically exhausted) today after coming off that day. I have a question that came to my mind. Why do you want to or think you need to work now? I guess I was just thinking that there is so many things you could do that would hopefully fulfil you without necessarily going back in to the paid workforce. I was wondering if you were feeling your own pressure to join the rat race again. I know you are a very talented, educated and intellectual person with so much to give but it seems you could participate and give back to society in so many ways that don't need you to be employed if that's what you chouse. There are some people who give far more to society than they take. I suspect you are one of those. I totally understand where you are coming from though as far as the fears of going through the process of getting paid work. For me it's nearly as long as you and I'm petrified of that rejection. This is where I am headed in therapy - to find a place I can cope and fit back in the rat race. This is my choice not just for the financial need but because I want to as well but I don't see it as a make or break for me. If it turns out that I am unable to get work then I'd like to eventually immerse myself in volunteering and giving back that way. Not sure if this helps or is just me rambling AGAIN. Take care @Appleblossom. Those were great steps forward yesterday, hugs to you 💜😊

Thank you @Former-Member@utopia @ninjak @Former-Member

Have returned from writing camp, unpacked, rested cooked chicken and bean tortillas.

It was lovely to see everybody's replies.

I guess there have been a few positions floating around now that I am connected online ... but maybe you are right: I do pressure self and can do a lot by pursuing my current path.

The weather at camp was lovely except for arriving in a big shower after dark, but I survived without stressing in car. Morning light and birds were uplifting. Food was great .. my tuna casserole demolished.

Was a bit anxious because of a triangulation situation that has been happening with one of the members. She had been very domineering with me and son and betraying friendship by publishing our words as if from her characters. I am learning how to "push" back on her ... she needs boundaries and I am learning to set them. There was an attempt at a minor retaliation, but she has friends there who care about my son and realise she was crossing the line. I read an account which could become a novella which featured some of her misbehaviours that the group was unaware of ... so she squirmed a bit ... I kept it tight but not nasty ..started reading a little last month and may read more before I shape it into story.

Also the workshop presenter and a few other members seemed to be helping me. The presenter DELINEATED general issues in character and in writing. It went smoothly with one moment when the madam poked her head into a conversation and I said (shocked myself) ... "what do you want with that smarmy look?" Amazingly she had no reply .. and I went back to the discussion ...we also had many very civil interactions where I was calm & polite ... but she cant help herself and did her little antics in full view of the group ... so I was allowed a curt comment and exasperated looks ... as she played Goldilocks with the chairs ... was obviously attention seeking and has been troublesome for the group to manage. In fact I am beginning to think that the group is grateful to me for taking it head on. The lady also has some exceptional qualities so I dont really want to wound her or alienate her to the point of hurting my boy .. its a CONTAINMENT issue.

The next day there was some direct quiet eyeing each other over the large table where we ate and had the meetings She prides herself on being a great bridge player .. I was a passable 500 player taught out on the farm ... lousy poker player though ...

There is a gorgeous new ex english professor who was recently joined the group. He might have the clout to help us dilute the tension and maintain group coherence ... I really did not want to damage other people's enjoyment or the general relationships and camraderie.

In the end I was satisfied with how things went 1) materials I presented 2) logistics and friendships.

Maybe the group is generally getting used to me and I felt there was a fair bit of warmth and lovely connections. I wasnt sure it was a success til today. I do feel privileged to meet with them and exchange ideas ... I also clarified beliefs and interests with a few people who I had not realised our attitudes were aligned.

The main presenter gave ideas to help structure my writing so the weekend achieved a lot of aims.

I had a throat and chest infection and did not sleep much and my neck feels very stiff and arthritic ... so I may crash .. but do not plan to do much in next few days ... so hope it will be fine.

I hope you are all doing reasonably well ... with a few worthwhile moments.

Take care Apple

Thank you @utopia

That particular lady has been part of the problem of me losing confidence as a disabled person and guilting me about work and money all the time ...rather than be being grateful for what she has received in our country and from me ... and batting her 80yr old baby blues whilst doing it ... she has had an questionable impact on my son ... but still is his "friend" though I have beginning to understand the concept of frenemy .. and am protective of him .. with her .. however I WILL not let her make me cynical .. or 2 faced ... just more direct .. than diplomatic ...and careful ...

still ... caring for my infection .. not too bad mentally though... I tend to be a bit clinical about separating out the issues .. but I have needed to.

Hey @Appleblossom,

i read your post regarding your weekend yesterday but wasn't able to respond at the time and then forgot. It bought a smile because it felt like whilst you've had a few trials and tribulations throughout your weekend away you were mostly triumphant 😊💜. Really pleased for you that both the learning aspects of the workshop and the social ones were productive. Lovely to see you fighting for you. I hope you feel better soon. Thinking of you 💜😊💐

Thanks so much @Former-Member

How the friendships and writing group unfolds is in the lap of the future .. but I am mildly optimistic.

Today I received a letter from the coroners court ...

When I applied for dad's inquest 20+ yrs ago, they just gave me the paperwork and there was no discussion .. it was not referred to the coroner. This time maybe things have changed or because there were 2 siblings ... the investigation has been reopened .. I read it and went YES .. in my head.

I will write and ask them to include dad's in their investigation .. I want better protocols for all deaths in MH premises and for all suicides regardless of which premises ..

I dont really mind that they didnt send paperwork straight to me .. as I have a fair idea .. their inquests were just nominal and just a couple of pages with a lot of formality and no substance ... hope they take it all seriously.

I and my son are still getting over our virus/colds ... but I shopped and cooked and did household stuff... mum's dont get sick ... ha ha.

A few weeks ago I recieved letter from coroners court and then spoke to clerk. She said i would receive files in the mail within 4-5 days. Nothing has arrived so I will need to follow up.

Thank you so much @ninjak for telling me to go with my gut ... I have probably been so dissociated from my body and intuition that I have found that difficult in the past.

Learning to trust intuition more without doing overthink and worrying too much ... just re little social interactions.