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Life after taking out a VRO

PrisonerSenior Contributor12 Aug 2016, 12:39 am AEST

Life after taking out a VRO

Well gees.... I thought I was free and on the way to getting well again. My first week back at work after the order was granted. His mother came to my work to 'ask how I was' and told me how disgusted she was at the 6 month order and that she's not trying to upset me at my work and to meet up with her and have a coffee chat whatever this week. And how upset her son is and that he's getting help now et c. That shattered me my first day back. I haven't contacted her or plan to. Yesterday I saw him for this first time as he drove past me. I got in my car on my way back to work which was around the corner- which I'd seen him turn down only to be parked and sitting in his car looking at me on the other side of the road. I swiftly went in to work and had my next meltdown. So today I'm out the back of work and there he is less than 5metres from me asking to talk after work. I looked at him and turned and walked back inside and lost my shit and felt like ii did a couple weeks ago- a shaking crying mess. After today I felt I had to report it to the police. I don't want to feel scared anymore, what can he say? He's sorry? He's finally decided to get help? What am I supposed to say? I can't forget having hands around my neck or being held down - sorry won't fix that and neither can he. I want him to get help be happy and healthy but I can't be part of it anymore- too much for too long to forget

8 replies

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In response to: Life after taking out a VRO

AppleblossomSenior Contributor12 Aug 2016, 12:57 am AEST

Re: Life after taking out a VRO

I had somebody I loved and trusted try and stra ngle me once ... it is not something that is easy to forget ... then he knew he had really gone too far and hurt his best friend, his sister ... and kept getting worse and worse. You need at least a few months to come to terms with the event and the triggers leading up to it ... then maybe if there is respect and some sense of willingness there may be a chance for reconciliation .. but it wont last long if it is premature ...

Take care of you and keep loving

Apple

In response to: Life after taking out a VRO

PrisonerSenior Contributor12 Aug 2016, 1:10 am AEST

Re: Life after taking out a VRO

Hey @Appleblossom, your own brother how gut wrenching. I feel as if my situation is petty compared to the stories I now hear that I'm fre to talk to people. This my boyfriend I had been with for almost 6years... Never thought I'd break up with someone with a VRO.... Hardest thing I've done in my life, loving him means having no one in my life unless it's family or him and his. I been isolated for so long it broke me but I did it for him. How do u love someone you're scared of? I know it's still early days for all of us but I was tired of being mentally and emotionally pushed around, physical is where I need to draw the line. Coz now I really couldn't say predict or know what would or could happen and that terrifies me the most thanks for your kindness Appleblossom x

In response to: Re: Life after taking out a VRO

AppleblossomSenior Contributor12 Aug 2016, 1:29 am AEST

Re: Life after taking out a VRO

It is different if it is a sexual partner or from family of origin or a child.

But I do know the frustration of the feeling of genuinely caring and loving someone who is out of control and therefore hurts the people closest.

If you think there is no chance of reconciliation or he can accept friendship ... then it is better to keep separation really clear .. if you break the conditions of the Order than I think it confuses it for the authorities .. its best to be consistent .. if this person who spent 6 years with you can grow up and face his limits and manage without getting violent .. there is time later on .. for him to prove it.

Clarity and a calm space .. is worth a great deal ..

Is he actually stalking you ... if so if he continues and you complain he could get into trouble.

The hospital asked me if I would press charges against my brother and I could not ... it is always a tricky thing to deal with.

In response to: Re: Life after taking out a VRO

AppleblossomSenior Contributor12 Aug 2016, 3:48 am AEST

Re: Life after taking out a VRO

Actually 6 years later I still had major intrusive thoughts and still can get triggered .. it takes as long as it takes ... go gently @Prisoner

In response to: Life after taking out a VRO

PrisonerSenior Contributor12 Aug 2016, 9:51 am AEST

Re: Life after taking out a VRO

That's it @Appleblossom, I want peace in my life and to feel calm. I don't want to feel like a hunted animal... I know this will take time and I'm seeking counselling for myself. It so cold cutting him off like I did but I couldn't see a resolution, I would still Be cut off from my friends , my phone would be monitored and if I wasn't physically with him have to answer my phone or txt within 5 minutes and have to explain why I want prompt with a reply. I also couldn't press assault charges because it's too heartbreaking to conceive. I want peace in my life. I waited so long I couldn't put my life on hold anymore but I would've kept going through this were it not for the violence that finally reared its ugly head. I've also been an independent person and alone never bothered me... I've never felt fear in my life thus the VRO. I could've taken it out for 2yrs but chose 6 months. Friends would be nice but I can't even look at him without breaking down now. I can only only concentrate on myself and my actions and how I get through the day. Everyone keeps asking if I'm ok and the truth is honestly I don't know anymore, everything can change or throw me in an instant and I feel back at square 1 again. Just feel like I've been riding the train through Crazytown all month and I'm still waiting for my stop to get off.

In response to: Life after taking out a VRO

PrisonerSenior Contributor12 Aug 2016, 9:52 am AEST

Re: Life after taking out a VRO

I don't want to be a prisoner of someone else's unhappiness anymore

In response to: Life after taking out a VRO

utopiaSenior Contributor13 Aug 2016, 12:09 am AEST

Re: Life after taking out a VRO

@Prisoner. You did the right thing notifying the police. Ignore his mother. She can concentrate on her son getting help. You just need to concentrate on your safety and health.
There is nothing petty about your situation. We all have different stories. We all have MI.
you are right - you Don't need to be a prisoner any more.
I wish you all the best with moving on.

In response to: Life after taking out a VRO

pipSenior Contributor14 Aug 2016, 2:52 pm AEST

Re: Life after taking out a VRO

Prisoner. I hope you did report all this harassment. He is violating the order issues by the court. He can be arrested and charged with violation. If you can't be free to live your life, he needs to be removed. Don't hesitate ring the police, report him for harassment. He is obviously calling your bluff, he is thinking, you won't follow through. Asking his mother to intervene, he certainly does not love or respect you or anyone. He will no doubt tell the cops he was nowhere near you. Why would you ring the police if he wasn't violating an order? Keep calling the police every time you have any dealings either with him or his mum. People like him think they're untouchable, even if he is arrested/charged, it may wake him up to realize he can't do exactly as he pleases. Are you still seeing your counsellor, tell him/her about this. Don't be scared to ask for guidance and help. You are not alone.

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