Reliving the darkness of my childhood.

It's approaching 2am and I have given up on any hopes of sleep.

I'm reliving the horrors of my childhood over an over in my mind and figured that perhaps putting it in writing here will somehow help.

I was physically abused from tha age of three. Sexually abused from the age of 7. Mentally and emotionally abused through to my adult life. I had no support from the thing that gave birth to me and the mongrel of a person she took on when she divirced my Dad when I was two and then had two children with it of his own.

With Him and his three person support team, my full blood sibling not wanting anything to do with me or them was no help and left as soon as he was able to, I was a punching bag, the main focus of his predatory nature and the only person that ever did anything "wrong" according to them.

I developed Stockholm syndrome and continued into to adulthood trying to please them and always trying to show them that I could make something of my life only to be torn down by their hatred, their hurtful soul stripping comments.

They all died when I turned 33. It was sudden and necessary and suggested by a psychologist I was seeing at the time. Of course they didn't actually die but I cut off all ties and in my mind they were dead and buried.

It worked for a while and I had a brief couple of years of, well I say "a normal life" but what is normal life?

They're long gone, it's been 20 years that they've "been in the ground" but in truth they're still there in my mind. In boxes in dark rooms that sometimes, like now, demand to be opened to use the light to play havoc with my life.

I try and employ my coping practices but sometimes the demans are to loud. Like they are tonight. I have to push them away before every sentence I type here.

I have been turned away from so many reputable clincal psychologists because my mental health is too complex for them to be able to treat me. I currently only have my Psychiatrist at $450 per 20 minutes who I have to see a minimum of four times a year just to sign off on the heavily restricted meds that I am on. Then I have the support team I have built around me despite the limited funding from the NDIS.30K doesn't go far when you're paying just over $100 each an hour for a Support co-ordinator, a Support person, a Peer support worker and a carer that comes twice a week. But none of them are available wiithout an prior arrangement and certainly not available at night. Oh and the Psychiatrist fee is not funded by the NDIS.

Being an acute agoraphobe I very rarely leave my house. when I do it is with one of the support team and it is always strategically planned to minimise my anxiety and hopefully not trigger one of my three Dissociative conditions. So it's not as if I can go for a walk and try and escape the evil that has stirred.

It's now 2:30 and I am all typed out for this session. Unless of course someone is awake at this hour and replies.

Thanks for reading this.

T