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It doesn't end

BlanchieCasual Contributor08 Aug 2016, 8:05 pm AEST

It doesn't end

I think I'm getting better and then I get worse.
I have a psychologist and am on medication, but it's not getting any better. So many things get me down, I can't seem to advance in my career, although I have a very successful job, I get nothing out of it. I don't feel happy ever even though I have an amazing partner and pretty much anything I could wish for. I can't fall pregnant but now I'm thinking that could be due to the medication, or the fact that I'm taking a dietary supplement to lose weight and give me energy, and I just want to drink, not great amounts, but enough. I don't even feel drunk, but I think it soothes my mind, I don't know.
My mind doesn't stop, I study full time aswell as work full time. I don't feel overwhelmed I feel nothing.
I could quite easily be alone, but I know how amazing my partner really is, and I know that I am blessed to have him.
I don't think he understands quite how bad it is.
I sent him through my mental health care plan and my plan that I did through beyond blue, I can't think of the name, something like ok when I go crazy do this,
I never go crazy, I never snap, I never get angry, rude, mean, I'm just me. People see a smile, people think I am happy. I have nothing to not be happy about, that's the truth, and get this battle just won't leave me!
I read quotes on its your perception. No it's not, do u think I want to feel this way?? I want to be positive I want to love and feel, just feel the rush of adrenalin or something!!
I don't feel adrenalin anymore, it's gone. I don't remember when it went.
How can I make it better! I am trying so hard. 😞

8 replies

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In response to: It doesn't end

Unknown userMember08 Aug 2016, 8:20 pm AEST

Re: It doesn't end

Hi @Blanchie

I'm glad you've found the forums and thanks for sharing what you're going thorugh, it sounds really awful.

One thing that i jsut wondered about was, could it be the medication is numbing things too much for you? would it be worth getting that checked again?

I'm glad you have a psychologist that is helping you too, but sorry that it's not really helping. Hopefully there will be some sort of a 'breathrough' that will help.

You say that you don't have any reason for things to not be 'great' or 'ok' but it sounds to me like you have heaps going on! Trying to fall pregnant, working full time, studying full time and i a relationship. That is a full load of life! even if it doesnt 'feel' overwhelming, you are still incredibly busy. Can you make some time for you, just to stop for a few minutes at all and do something that you like to do, a bath, walk etc.

Glad you are here,

In response to: It doesn't end

pipSenior Contributor08 Aug 2016, 8:27 pm AEST

Re: It doesn't end

Hi Blanchie. It almost sounds as though you've been through so much and suffered so much hurt, you're numb. Beyond pain. Our mind sometimes seems to go into auto-pilot when we suffer. It's like you can't feel anything, anymore because you've felt every sensation there is to feel. Perhaps a bit of relaxation therapy, I don't mean massage (although that has been known to work), I'm talking meditation-type relaxation. Learning to relax your mind, drift mentally. Auto-pilot means you've 'switched off' in your mind. Do you have anything to stimulate you, bring you back to where you start to feel something. You obviously love your partner, but even he is not able to stimulate you at the moment. Falling pregnant might not be a good idea at the moment. Pregnancy can bring a whole heap of problems that you might not be able to deal with, at this time. Morning sickness (that can last all day), cravings, weight gain. Plus the baby who demands all your time and energy. I think you need to learn how to feel, think, live. I don't think it's your perceptive, I really think you're just overtired, overworked. You need to get in touch with 'you', get to know you again.

In response to: It doesn't end

BlanchieCasual Contributor08 Aug 2016, 8:36 pm AEST

Re: It doesn't end

Thanks all. I really appreciate it.
I don't really do 'me stuff'.
Might be time.

In response to: It doesn't end

DecadianSenior Contributor08 Aug 2016, 8:40 pm AEST

Re: It doesn't end

I hear you @Blanchie

@pip and @Former-Member have given you some good ideas to think about here

But it seems you already have a very full life - and yet you still feel exhausted and we care about each other here so I am glad that you have found us

Not now - years have passed since I burned the candle at both ends - with a family and two jobs and part time study - wow - that was some life - I enjoyed it

But even if I could have I would not have added a baby or another baby too the mix - that would have been too much

We all have to do something - people who never get up in the morning must struggle - and so do those of us who over-do things - we have a thread for Over-doers Anonymous - it's amazing what people can overdo

But even though I can add anything really helpful I certainly hear you and understand -

Decadian

In response to: Re: It doesn't end

pipSenior Contributor09 Aug 2016, 9:10 am AEST

Re: It doesn't end

Dear Blanchie. Mental exhaustion can be more tiring than physical because mental means constantly processing what's happening around you. You've had to deal with so much you are mentally exhausted. Getting to know 'you' again needn't be mission impossible. Take the time to think about what you were like before 'life' took you into the 'fast' lane. Everything you wrote about in your first post, indicated a physical full life, nothing indicated rest or relaxation. Everyone needs to rest up, think about nothing in particular. It won't be easy, life aint easy, but it's only as hard as you allow it to be. What was your childhood like? Were you responsible for everyone in your family or was someone else in charge? Try and (in your mind) put someone else in the drivers seat. It won't be easy, as I said, taking time out isn't easy. Ask a close friend or rellie to 'kick you' where it hurts. A friend of mine just did with me, best thing he could've done. Made me look at my priorities.

In response to: It doesn't end

BlanchieCasual Contributor09 Aug 2016, 9:59 am AEST

Re: It doesn't end

It's crazy to think I am doing too much when I feel like I'm not doing enough. You make a good point but, no I didn't say anything about rest and relax. I don't do it and when I try it lasts about 10seconds before I have to do something.
I do have massive trust issues and yeah, I looked after everyone in the family and have just stepped out of that and haven't had contact with my family for just under a year.
Little things but get me, for example, my partner has 2 kids, 6 and 8. They are amazing kids and honestly you couldn't ask for better kiddlings. We have them fortnightly from Fri- Tuesday. We were having them every Tuesday night and then they would go home but it got too much for me.
It is very tough with the kids but, on various levels. Sometimes you don't want to give hugs and love, but they need it. That probably sounds horrible, and I do give them plenty of love and adore them both, but I do have those days. The older one, he is learning basic tasks like putting the dishes away and cooking It sets me right off as in the clanking of the plates makes me upset. I can only put this down to knowing I was in trouble as a kid for not having done them fast enough.
I have had to let go of perfectly clean and in the right place.... (While he's there anyways.lol)
My partner is very protective of me, and sometimes will get mad at the kids for making a mess because he knows that it stresses me out. I don't want my issues affecting the kids but. Prior to 'breaking up' with my family, the kids would always ask their dad why I was always crying.
I don't want them to have that perception of me.
Thanks for all your inputs. Xx

In response to: Re: It doesn't end

DecadianSenior Contributor09 Aug 2016, 11:28 am AEST

Re: It doesn't end

Hi @Blanchie

I think I know what you are talking about - something or somebody has been very critical of the way things have to be done - and when you were learning - you perhaps had someone hanging over your shoulder critizing everything you did - like "pick - pick - pickety pick" until you lost confidence in yourself

My mother was a picker and I retalitated by refusing to do things - and some people react more as you have done by becoming driven - I felt driven too - but in doing things away from home

When I was first married I had a neighbour who had OCD and I had no idea what that was - even the name - but I copied her and the premature birth of my second child made me think twice about everything I did - and gradually worked my programme down to manageable amounts - the kids were more important

But when they were off my hands - eg at school - was when I got into working and studying and it snuck up on me - but I found it good

I'm thinking - have you be to a doctor about this because it does sound like it could help - what they say about housework never ends

A man may work from sun to sun but a woman's work is never done

It seems you are exhausted and discouraged - you can ring Life Line on 13 11 14 - or talk to your doctor - it's more important to hug your kids than to have a perfect life - hugging kids is easy - you can never get a perfect life -perfection is so limited - it can never be improved up and the search to find it is a waste - too much effort for little result

Take things easy - I know that at this stage it is easier said than done - but that's all you have control over -

You have come to the right place - people here understand fighting for the impossible

Hugs

Decadian

In response to: Re: It doesn't end

Unknown userMember10 Aug 2016, 8:37 pm AEST

Re: It doesn't end

Hi @Blanchie

You are a mum.. but you're human, and sometimes we all need our space... Yeah kids need lots of love and cuddles (and so do we) but its also ok and probably necessary to take and make time and space for you so that you feel refreshed and able to be there for your kids too.. at least thats what i've found and i know my psychologist has said similar to me...

I was also the person who held the family together and did the caring for my younger siblings.. my mother was... no nice and i didnt particularly feel like i ever was 'cared for'... makes it hard to know if i'm doing the right thing as a mum, always feel like i have no idea what im doing as i didnt/don't have a role model (apart from what NOT to do i guess!).

How are you doing tonight?

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