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Tonight was the pits, I need to offload.

Lap1Contributor16 Oct 2020, 1:01 am AEDT

Tonight was the pits, I need to offload.

I have recently joined Sane and firstly want to say, I am very pleased to have found this group. I am in my late 50's, happily married and have 3 sons (who have moved away from home but we still see regularly) and 3 granddaughters. My youngest son is 24, unemployed and has separated from his partner, they have a 2 year old daughter. His ex has bi polar. My son has problems with drug use and undiagnosed mental health issues. Although he doesnt identify these two things as a problem. I have been feeling more anxious lately as he asked to move back home after years of being away. He has brought his belongings home and we see him 3 days a week, when he has access to his daughter. We help with the grandaughter but we do not "takeover". In summary both my husband and I are sick of the crap we have had to put up with over the last 2 weeks, and feel our son is not respectful of us, and when we try to talk to him about what he is doing he becomes hostile and it is usually a tirade of anger and verbal abuse. I want him to access anger management (he is also expected to do this by his ex and for a court order) but covid isnt helping because there is nothing happening face to face apart from counselling. My son refuses to admit he needs anger management. I worry about what he is using and where he goes each night when he doesn't come home. i truly believe id be better off if he wasnt staying here at all. To add fuel to the fire, his ex is very controlling and insisys that he has his access visits "supervised" by a family member at our house. There is no court order or parenting order, or prior history that would dictate this, its just her "say so". So tonight when my son was picking up his daughter from daycare I got a demanding text telling me i was to report to her as soon as my son arrived at our house, and I was to chat with him about being supervised when he has his daughter, and if this didn't happen she threatened to stop my son from seeing his daughter "until it gets to court". Needless to say this sabotaged his night with his daughter and made for a bad night. His ex managed to send a text to 4 adults in the family suggesting we chat to him re his behaviour etc. Give me strength. I have tried to keep this succinct, if ypu have stayed with me till now. Thankyou and I apprecoate that most of you will be asleep, like any SANE person should be 😉🤣

4 replies

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In response to: Tonight was the pits, I need to offload.

jalloContributor16 Oct 2020, 1:44 am AEDT

Re: Tonight was the pits, I need to offload.

I haven’t got any advice but I just wanted to say that’s so hard & I feel for you. It’s very hard when someone you love doesn’t think they have a problem, & won’t get help, even if it means losing access to their child. And having this all coming into your home must be so very difficult. I hope things get better.

In response to: Tonight was the pits, I need to offload.

SJT63Senior Contributor16 Oct 2020, 11:17 am AEDT

Re: Tonight was the pits, I need to offload.

@Lap1 this a great place to offload.

My partner's ex still does stuff like that and his sons are 15 and 17! One is now driving one of my cars, so they pretty much go where they please - about 30% of the time with us, because we are a long way from their school it's mainly weeekends. Partner is bipolar and she does it deliberately to trigger him - he responds with a manic rage, and then she uses that to try and turn the boys against him.

I have no idea how two people can still hold so much animosity for each other after 12 years apart. She will tell me she worries they aren't safe ...ffs.... they are twice the size of their dad. We ended up living together because she wouldn't let them stay at his place without another adult so now I have another family to cook for, years after mine had left home.

They are lovely boys, but they take up a lot of space in my little house.

I have a son who's nearly 30 that I threw out 10 years ago because he was manipulative and lazy and agressive towards me - wouldn't get a job. He came back after 6 years but as soon as he reverted to his old ways of pushing me around and lasted about 12 months before my mental health started to suffer with the stress of having him around.

He needs help but won't get it, I tried when he was a teenager but short of manhandling him into the car I couldn't make him attend any appointments. I think he's working now, but I rarely hear from him.

Anyway - good luck at yours, sending support x

In response to: Re: Tonight was the pits, I need to offload.

Lap1Contributor16 Oct 2020, 11:31 am AEDT

Re: Tonight was the pits, I need to offload.

Thankyou so much for reading my post and responding . I am just doing grocery shop but it has made me feel good to see there is someonr else who lnows what Im going through. I will keep in touch with you and read your response more thoroughly asap.

In response to: Re: Tonight was the pits, I need to offload.

Lap1Contributor16 Oct 2020, 11:36 pm AEDT

Re: Tonight was the pits, I need to offload.

@SJT63 thankyou so much dor rwading my post and sharing ypur experience. I read it earlier today and it brought warmth to my heart. I am afraid most of my time on tbis forum is going to late at night.

I felt you "got it " by your response. My son and his ex used to fight like cats and dogs nefore they had a child, I cpuld nevrr indersysnd why they stayed together. And boy can I rekate to ypur thpughts, how can they still hate each other after all that time. His ex also says she is worried about the daughters safety, but he has never done anything to compromise his daughter's safety. And she also pushes his buttons.

I do have some good news , today and tonight was much better. Tonight I picked up his daughter earlier whilst he cleaned his bedroom (boy did it need it). Then his brothers and wife and grandchildren all came togethdr to celebrae youngest and middles sons birthday. The general mood was so much better. I am not sure what caused the shift but I did send my son a message about how he had broken a rule and made it clear that if he tried it again he wasnt welcome to stay.

I have bern on a long atressful journey for the last 10 years with my youngest son. Probably starting from when he got onto weed. He was diagnosed ADHD when he was 8 and was presrobed medication. At the age of 16 he chose to stop taking medication as was told he could not use weed and meds due to risk of schizophrenia.

Layer by layer i will tell my story, hope its not too cumbersome.

Once again thankyou for sharing

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