Expectation to remain hidden in life of someone important

Hi,

I don't feel like this would be common but I'm hoping there's someone who has been in the same boat who might be able to pass on their extreme wisdom.

I'm middle aged and assist a young adult with any problems she may, and does have. It's been a few years and a full range of problems, everything you can think of, extremely stressful for her and as a result, me.

I'm there for her all the time. Day and night, whether she's here or 1000 km away. And I've chosen that and wouldn't have it any other way. We are very close and I love her like one of my own.

But her family don't approve of our friendship or her confiding in me and basically banned her from talking to me. That has happened a couple of times, the first of which was traumatic and so unfair. But each time we have ended up just as close, if not closer, because of it.

It means that she sees me in secret, like an underground exchange. There's running around in the dark, she changes my name in her phone. It's fully like an illegal operation and all so she can have someone to talk to.

I zone out of the stresses of that most of the time, deal with what needs dealing with and help her however I can rather than worrying about that side of it. But I can't always do that. It hurts so much when she can't wave to me down the street in case someone sees- even if the night before I stayed with her for hours while she slept. It feels like stab wounds when everyone else in the whole world is acceptable for her to visit, but not me, the person who is always there for her. It kills me to think that I will always have to be in the shadows of her life- she's a huge part of my family- my kids love her like a big sister, my husband has 'in jokes' with her, even my extended family know her... But I am banished from any part of her 'real' daylight life. Except from one friend who we decided mutually that this was not going to be as unhealthy as the rest of her relationships, her family refuse to even have a conversation about this. I've asked why we have to be at odds, surely it would be better for her to be on the same 'side', but they don't want to talk and then it's clear why she doesn't want to talk to any of them about problems either.

I start thinking along the lines of What about when she has kids- will I even get to meet them? Will she tell them never to tell that they've been to visit? Will I be allowed to meet a boyfriend? Will this ever bloody end and she grows out of it? Or is this actually how life will be? It's just so unfair.

I feel like it hurts for one of two reasons- either to push 'us' into doing something to fix it (no way in all hell she will talk to any of them about it), or to chip away at how close I feel to her until we are at a 'safe' distance and I technically won't be hurt.

I've emailed helplines and they all say the same thing, boundaries are important and my feelings are just as important as hers... But I'm the adult, I'm the one who is supposed to be able to cope and find solutions for all these problems and here I am, struggling with one and because of that, things get strained between us and I can't be fully present when she needs it. I don't see an answer. I can't force her to make the changes in her family life that would make me seen as less of a problem. I also don't want to push her away by saying I can't cope with this stipulation.

Guess I'm just looking for someone else who is in the shadows of someone they love's life.