Me and my amnesia

Hi everyone,

I’m new to the forums, and English is my second language, so please forgive me for my mistakes. And I’m going to talk about suicide, so please beware the triggers.

My biggest problem is paranoia. I have delusions of persecution which means I think someone is after me, even though in reality I have no evidence that this is happening. But I attempted suicide not so long ago anyway, so the possibility of being on the other side does not scare me that much anymore. What scares me the most is mental games, the tricks my mind does on me, they are the worst.

The fact is, I remember some things much better than the other. For example, I remember being bullied clear, but my responses to that I forget. Sometimes people say, do you remember saying that and that? And I truly do not remember. Being amnesiac like that is a scary experience.

But, at the same time, I have good enough memory to write the text in language I couldn’t speak not so long ago. It’s so weird. It’s like all the new knowledge makes me forget some facts of my past, or something like that. I do not know.

Sometimes I feel like people twist my words and put something else to what I say, too. It’s debilitating because I do not know anymore what to say and what not. I feel I am being misunderstood and do not understand other people. It feels like a trap, and I do not know how to get out.