Who Knew!

Got mine in a corner at a moment I'm calling the shots, will not bow down to tin gods anymore. to much change in labels and opinions and I'm too old and wise to accept everything they say some things I do thou

@hope77 & @Former-Member - oh! I wasn't being cyncial - I was gobsmacked that I have these behaviours that despite a lifetime of therapy that I never KNEW I was acting out of, I don't mind at ALL that this psychologist named these things, I am glad she did - it makes SO MUCH SENSE of years of fronting up to therapy and then running away licking my wounds, recalibrating and shutting down again.

So, I am actually interested in this from a perspective of... if I understand this better maybe I can heal more.... I just want to be the best i can be, I want to have the best chance to live a peaceful life to get PAST the angst and self-loathing and horrible deep lack of self-esteem. I think by knowing this I can enquire more honestly about the harm i cause MYSELF and perhaps have insight into how I might be able to let go of self-defeating and sabotaging behaviours. I am excited by this.

I was being cynical, I spent the best part of 25 years asking what was I doing wrong, got nothing out of it except low self-esteem. No thanks God gave me a brain I would rather work with them and discuss it then just accept everything

Well, I am just pleased that I have some new information that I have never known before. Just like when I was finally diagnosed with Bi Polar II I FINALLY had a something tohelp get a handle on my difficult life. i don't know that life got any LESS difficult for knowing, but I do know I am much less harsh on myself for my rapid mood changes and desparation, I am also likely to shift through suicidal ideation faster knowing it is more about bio-chemstry and that theere are things I CAN do to ameliorate against the worst excesses of my own mind. I have done some reading about these 'labels' and they resonate with me. So I will be using my brain and hope that with this new information i won't back out and run away the next time I get the opportnity to break through what holds me back. 🙂 Its all in the perspective isn't it? You may wish to see what I have written as some kind of really negative thing, or that I have been sucked into Psyche-speak or something, but I am actually GLAD this psyche chose to tell me what she observed, because no one has ever mentioned to me before that I cut and run from therapy and protect myself by getting "REALLY WELL REALLY FAST" during therapy, as a pattern of behaviour. It is useful information. I am no great fan of Psyches but I am also not a great fan of living with a mental illness blundering about in the darkness either. If I have been bitter and scathing about the assistance I have received, but that opinion has been a cover for my own fear then I can admit I was wrong. It is yet to be seen if it will help knowing this but I am looking forward to being a bit more open, and see with that I might gain some relief from all that ails me. Nothing is ever a Panacea - but drip by srip I have improved my life and for me knowledge is power. Perhaps I need to sit with discomfort rather than run away pretending their is NO discomfort.

I am glad for your insight. @MoonGal

I love lines like ... "you learn a new thing every day", but I dont usually like one-liners.

I do believe in life long learning.

When I had my first regular (maybe 6 with a fortnight bw sessions) pdoc appoinrments. The doctor died of a heart attack after my husband visited him at home and pressured him re taking bubs D1 out of the country.

No avoidance for me .. I was shocked my ex did not want to go to the funeral, so I said I would go alone.

Then the next pdoc I found ... just happened to be a student of the former .. it is just the way my life unrolls ..1) he admitted the relationship and said we were both shared the grief over the former pdoc. So that felt reasonable ... but ...

He knew I was studying psychoanalysis and social theory at the time .. we had a couple brief interactions about transference ... but he fobbed me off a lot ... also ... I did stick it out with him for around 8 years though often could not afford many sessions as kids were young and mortgage monstrous.

Unfortunately I did put him on a pedestal ..so I agree with the 'tin-god' statement. Not to be cynical but to simply follow through on my own process. He is also the one I recently posted about may have been witholding proper treatment from me ... and wondering about malpractise. Tho I am not much of a litigant ... even just being told I might have a case .. would seem like heaps of validation to me.

My presentation would have been much more like schizo-affective/aspergers than bi-polar ... so it might also just be our different styles.

BUT I really was interested in what you posted. I love the contributions you generally make to this forum.

so, I went to see the psychologist again today for the first time since i posted here about avoidance & attachment behaviours/disorders.

I haven't felt this way (so scared and suicidal) for a long time. I had two dreams last night - both terrible, both leaving me wide open and very vulneable. I sobbed my way through my first coffees and my lovely partner just listened... with her heart until i dried up.

I KNOW i need to keep going to see this psychologist, she is a good fit for me, I got ready for the appointment and did something I haven't done for years, I dressed in all black and put on every ring, braclet and my metal belt and boots. It's the full metal jacket version of Moongal, more like MoonWarriorGal, to try to protect myself. Driving there every stop light, traffic work go slow and train crossing was excrutiating, all I wanted to do was drive on through past the red light into the oncoming traffic. I was just repeating over in my head "Don't go, don't go, don't go" which was all that kept me stopped and also like a litany of what i didn;t want to do. I wanted to die rather than face up today, but i did it, I got there, I stayed, I managed to have some conversation that might be useful, although when i got home i took a PRN medication to calm myself down.

I did NOT avoid the situation, even though my anxiety was so high I thought i was having a heart attack. I went and stayed. I'm a bloody hero in my own eyes for that. And no I am no longer suicidal, just calm and glad i pushed through doing something that I was very fearful of doing.