Nocturnal meanderings

It is getting close to 3am and I am waiting for my oxazepam to kick in so I might at least sleep before I need to get up in 4 hours. I decided to cancel my psychiatrist appoints until there was no social distanced consults. They were too difficult for me especially when I shared intimate thoughts while there may have been a chance emy husband could overhear what was said. It didn’t feel home was a safe place for discussion not to mention it is also difficult to share the no face to face contact. I am back at work now so it would be even harder.

I don’t socialise with many people. I put on my happy face at work then come home to a sick husband who does not talk at all. Life is Covid normal in Adelaide but social outings are at a minimum. I used to go to theatre plays and concerts, get invited to parties but those things are now gone. I don’t really do parties well but they do break up the hum drum existence. I mean I feel like I go to work, come home, watch tv, look after grand kids and elderly montherinlaw and that is it - ground hog day!

i am starting to show signs that all is not right somehow. The numbness is back. It does dull out the pain but it also takes away the pleasure. It all seems so hard even looking after my grand kids that I love so much.

I don’t think it’s rational that I am also grieving the loss of so many of my favourite singers who I admired tthrough their own personal struggles with depression. I thought they were doing well because they always spread the word but now they are gone. I know I shouldnt feel for people I’dont really know but their words resonated with me through their songs. Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell were my greatest loss. Can’t believe it’s been 3yeares already..I find myself fixated on how they passed and what they did. Who they left behind and this only tortures my mind further. I think I am in self destruction mode and don’t know why.. maybe Covid restrictions will pass and I can see my psych again. I think I am going crazy inside my head right now - anyway this a snippet of my world.

Thanks for allowing me a platform to get some of it out tonight . My oxazepam is finally kicking in and I might be able to get some sleep gnite everyone xx