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feeling a lot lost

diamantinaCasual Contributor31 July 2016, 10:56 pm AEST

feeling a lot lost

so hard to put this into words

so much has happened and to condense it all to a few paragraphs is extremely difficult

single long time after leaving a cheating ex, struggled to keep it together as I had 5 kids and when we split my youngest and I were the ones to leave, leaving my ex and one of my sons still there, its been a long hard journey and mentally I dont know how Ive survived this far, mentally I think its taken its toll on me...met some horrid selfish men....never really found anyone I could care about deeply, perhaps I no longer trusted a guy to keep it in his pants...or maybe I attract the wrong kind of guy....

Family and life can hurt, Ive tried reaching out to my now adult kids and explain how I feel only to feel rejected unwanted and unloved. I have no support. Both my parents are long gone as I was a late in life child.

I feel that most of my kids are selfish uncaring and spoilt and caught up in their own lives. Maybe they see me as too demanding, rude demanding or whatever, whenever they needed me I tried to be there but when I needed them no one was around.

Mentally this has debilatated me to the max but I would still do anything for them.

Back in early may I broke my ankle....walked on it for 4 weeks after the hospital said it was just a strain, then when I went back to physio as I was in heaps of pain and getting nowhere who told me it was broken and get it set, went to hospital and they had me in a cam boot for 2 weeks and then decided to xray it further and decided to break it and reset it with pins and plate...didnt really take much time off work, I think 2 days at most, and I still have another 6 weeks before they operate and remove the pins and then who knows how much longer i still have incapacitated.

Since all this happened Ive had very little support from my family, i asked my daughter to get my dog a 15kg bag of dogfood only for her to go off at me calling me a selfish fkin biatch as she had to work overtime, she still hasnt spoken to me and I texted her tonight saying we should talk she came back with 'no thanks', one son told me to fark off after i messaged all my sons saying who do you think cooks my meals, change my sheets, do my grocery shopping etc? one son said sorry and we had a nice meal yesterday and 2 others have said nothing...I also asked my youngest who never answers my texts or calls to help me out a few days ago only to feel rejected again by his lack of care and no response...my best friend has enough problems of her own and has recently moved.....so yeah Im feeling pretty much alone...

I can truly understand why some just up and leave....disappear....walk away or just end it all when there doesnt seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel or even some understanding from those you thought loved you and you them....we give those we love the greatest power to hurt.....

anyhow im feeling pretty much disjointed and disconnected from life with no visible direction or goal in life....no idea what to do and trying hard to not think suicidal thoughts that keep creeping in...one person said if you dont dwel on your thoughts they dont affect you but the thing is my thoughts never go away even when I push them aside....

sorry if I am rambling...dont really feel all that much like myself and I dont really like myself all that much either...I used to know who I was and felt so strong.....but now Ive stopped dating as I dont think I could cope with someone elses crap nor they mine...so yeah I am in stasis....limbo...whatever...

5 replies

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In response to: feeling a lot lost

AppleblossomSenior Contributor01 Aug 2016, 4:55 am AEST

Re: feeling a lot lost

Hello @diamantina

Pins in the ankle sounds horrific ... a very complicated and essential joint. Look after yourself.

What kind of work do you do?

Unfortunately, if a father decides not to value the mother of his children, he can have a disastrous effect on their capacity to relate to their mum.

I have a slightly similar situation. I left ex after 16 years with only the youngest. I never regretted leaving, for me it was absolutely essential, but sad about the effect on my children.

I have had no help from family of origin or family of creation with my neck disability. I just do what I can and dont expect help anymore, as any request for contact, let alone help, met with refusal and further difficulty. I just struggled on walking wounded, managing all household issues and responsibilities standard to male or female roles and have done so for 15 years. Not a clean freak but good enough. I expect nothing from my daughters. My son did change a light bulb recently and it is easy as he can reach it and I dont like climbing on things cos of balance issues. He has also been trying to put out the bins weekly since his episode. That is it. I asked my son to do some dishes recently ... it was a big ask ... and said I would be cross ... if he 'forgot' to do them ... he did them ... there was a lot of talk from the father about not doing women's work, but they forgot that I did a lot of men's work. Never mind Life is not fair.

I am finally protecting myself from my daughters' rejection, not letting it erode my sense of self worth. I left myself very open for attacks ... my daughter used my car to learn to drive in ... scatched it up ... did not care ... and still has the cheek to call my irresponsible. It can be a very selfish world these days .. not sure is there is progress really.

On the dog food thing .. While I didnt have car .. I ordered some catfood online ... it was quick and free delivery if it is a big bag ... 15 kg of a reasonable quality would probably qualify.

Go gently on that leg.

In response to: Re: feeling a lot lost

diamantinaCasual Contributor01 Aug 2016, 7:34 am AEST

Re: feeling a lot lost

my kids dont really have a relationship with their father, he is more a walking wallet with which they are happy to use. I spose it helps him feel as if he is some sort of good father when he wasnt there for them while they were growing up (workaholic)
I have always been very independant and like you I have also carried out many gender specific tasks not related to who I am, I think those days are long gone to expect that.
I think youve done very well to protect yourself.
I work in admin and accounts which is good as I am able to sit with my foot up for long periods of time.
I just feel guilty that I cannot walk my gorgeous hypo dog, but I know my leg will heal and I know that life goes on. I looked at delivery of dog food...no its not free...the problem of living in a regional town but Im fine with that

With all this silly squabbling and disowning the sad casualties is that I dont see my grandchildren....

thanks for your response and well wishes, its nice to know we arent alone. Im sorry you have also had a hard time...how did we raise a selfish bunch of children? Rules where we arent to smack children when bad and to let them do what they want has had a pretty bad effect I think....they are a product of our society...one that I am not proud of as in no way would I have treated my parents no matter what they did, the way mine have treated me.

In response to: feeling a lot lost

RG01Senior Contributor01 Aug 2016, 8:42 am AEST

Re: feeling a lot lost

My parents split about 6 years now. It should have happened sooner. The ill effects on my 3sibs and I is crazy.its so sad that your kids don't give you support. I have to say we all respect and deeply love mum. A couple of us have limited communications with dad- but the situation screws up your head. When I dwell on the pain, unjust suffering I start to feel bitter. That's not something I was to be. We have the power over our minds as to how it's going effect us in the long run. Surround yourself with good ppl and focus on getting I out own life up n running

In response to: feeling a lot lost

Unknown userMember08 Aug 2016, 1:59 pm AEST

Re: feeling a lot lost

Hi Diamantina,

You shared a lot of your thought and life history and your time more resent. I went through paragraph by paragraph and was going to reply to each. When I got towards the end I noticed that you have also been through some physical issues and pain. For you to walk on a broken leg and then an opp and not take time off stated me thinking. I don’t know too many people that could endure what you have without help, so this is the strength I can see. Pain can be really difficult on the body physically and mentally.

Families are really hard to negotiate with at times; I think they fill in their day so heavily they then can lash out at those they shouldn’t. I am sorry they hurt you so much.

Are you physically getting on top of things firstly and then maybe start taking time just to discover yourself again as changing others can be to exhausting and then no time for you. Start with you, that person you once new and liked. They say not to fight your thoughts but understand them for what they are and let them wave through. You are an important person we all are. Value yourself.

Kindly Tria

In response to: Re: feeling a lot lost

diamantinaCasual Contributor08 Aug 2016, 6:15 pm AEST

Re: feeling a lot lost

Thank you 🙂

still feeling alone...could be just a lot of loneliness....hard to do much with a broken ankle....dont speak to anyone much so its good that I get to speak to others at work which would explain partly why i had so few days off...plus I was worried about losing my job....
still no contact from my kids ...no idea what to do or say...if I say anything further it could do more damage I guess I am feeling a lot hurt as I wouldnt do this to them....

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