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Help.. i had another episode tonight

OrangehamsterNew Contributor11 Aug 2020, 1:17 am AEST

Help.. i had another episode tonight

Hey guys,

i struggle a lot when it comes to finding a balance in any aspect of my life and especially when it comes to my relationship. I either love someone so much it suffocates them or I distance myself away so much that I hurt them- unknowingly but aware. Im at that stage where I love my partner dearly and there is nothing else I want more than to be with him but we live in separate houses and I find that my episodes happen a lot when I am away from him- although i am only away from him maximum 2 days...

i am very insecure about my looks and about who I am and what I do. Im insecure with my looks more so with my current partner because I know the "type" of girl he prefers and they arent like me. He likes "more chinese/ asian" girls whereas I am more australian chinese, i dont retain or desire many oriental looks i.e pale skin or thin.

Tonight he watched a kdrama and That made me very insecure. We share a netflix account and i had intially blocked the show off on his account a couple of months ago and he found out today. At first the confrontation/ conversation was fine but then he said he loved me- i was angry so i ignored his message for a bit. And then i finally replied but i got angry because he didnt reply to me within the half an hour mark. I started frantically calling him and trying to get a hold of him. When i finally did i gave him a little attitude and he told me to go away and hung up.

after that i fell into a spiral of not feeling good enough, wanting to not love him anymore, wanting to self harm and not knowing how to get over it.. he said it was fine but i didnt feel fine.

Then i started ranting about everything and now he is asleep and i still feel horrible.. how do i find balance in my relationship and how do i get rid of this fear of abandonment admist a fight?

4 replies

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In response to: Help.. i had another episode tonight

Audrey64Contributor11 Aug 2020, 2:34 am AEST

Re: Help.. i had another episode tonight

I feel for you but if he cannot give you what you need or you don't feel loved then maybe he is not for you, he will never change, trust me, I know from bitter experience, 25 years later and I feel unloved and in a relationship I should have left years ago if I had the courage, now it's too late, please don't make the same mistake as me

In response to: Help.. i had another episode tonight

theposterboySenior Contributor11 Aug 2020, 3:03 am AEST

Re: Help.. i had another episode tonight

"how do i find balance in my relationship and how do i get rid of this fear of abandonment admist a fight?"

@Orangehamster I hear this question reveberating in your post in various forms. It certainly sounds like you are suffering through a powerful sense of insecurity, to use your word. Perhaps it will be important to try and talk with your partner, and express honestly how you feel, and maybe ask your partner where he's at. Finding a safe distance/proximity in a relationship is always difficult to navigate, but it's great that you are reaching out to get another perspective.

Welcome to the forums @Orangehamster - SANE is a very supportive community, and I hope you keep posting.

theposterboy

In response to: Help.. i had another episode tonight

BunniekinsSenior Contributor11 Aug 2020, 3:28 am AEST

Re: Help.. i had another episode tonight

@Orangehamster Hi Orangehamster and welcome to the forums. I think @Audrey64 is spot on when she says he will not change and I believe nore should he in reality. From what you have said I cannot see that he has done anything wrong..... I really think you have to mend yourself first. Work on your own insecurities. I was married for 23 years and have been divorced for 5 and couldnt be happier. Being single is not a death sentence. Take a breather work on yourself and your own needs and then look at the relationship again with a clear vision. Take care. greenpea

In response to: Help.. i had another episode tonight

Unknown userMember21 Aug 2020, 9:48 am AEST

Re: Help.. i had another episode tonight

Hi @Orangehamster ,

A warm welcome to the forums~

I find that when we focus on things we cannot control, such as how others behave, we are likely to feel more overwhelmed and worried. Thus, falling into that spiral that you mentioned For me, when I get into a self-doubt spiral, I often try to focus on myself and what I can do to make me happy and feel good. Is there a self-care activity that you like to do? 🧸

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