okayyCasual Contributor
I feel trapped (tw)
Sorry, tw for self harm, eating disorder, hallucinations, anxiety/paranoia
Almost every night, a man sits next to me on my bed and tells me to self harm, as punishment for everything I'd done wrong that day. He strokes my leg and cups my face, and his touch gives me chills. I know I'm imagining him and that he's not really there, but I feel his touch and hear his voice. And unfortunately, lately, I've been giving in a lot more than I've been resisting. It's getting harder and harder to hide from my family and friends.
Every meal, a woman berates me for eating, telling me that I am overindulging myself and that I'll never be able to be beautiful if I keep eating the way I do. I barely eat anything as it is, but after eating, I always feel sick. Even if I originally didn't mind what was in the mirror, the woman tells me I can do better, and I should do better.
I want to get rid of them, but I don't know how. I struggle to separate what is real, and what's just in my head. I'm terrified of reaching out for personal help, let alone professional help, for fear that all these people are part of an undercover operation to imprison me and persecute me. I'm anxious all the time, and am living in fear of myself and everyone around me, and am getting worse at controlling the destructive impulses that come with the paranoia. I feel trapped inside my own head, and just wanna get out and be able to see the beauty in the world and the people around me again.
