@ChokingV I am hearing your heart - and holding space for your sadness.
It is a difficult place to be when your children are becoming more independent and perhaps not as focused on caring as they could be if they really understood how their lack of connection makes you feel.
Have you considered having an open conversation that is not about how they have failed you but about how you feel about the lack of connection with them. ie Not shaming them for not meeting your expectations, but focuses on how you feel about the absence of them in your life. ie I really miss you and I feel lonely when I am unable to connect with you regularly and I would really value having some time with you.
A story to highlight why not shaming them is important. My husband's grandmother was from Germany. We have a saying in our family - "You don't ring, you don't come around", which we pull out and parrot when one of the family members is not engaging with the rest of the family. This saying comes from my husband's grandmother whose regular complaint to any family member who would listen, on every occasion when you visited her, was, "You don't ring, you don't come around". Nowadays she is passed, but the legacy of her complaint remains. When she was alive the whole family groaned when she repeatedly said this to the family members. She would ring up and complain about their absence in her life, which made them less motivated to visit her because when they visited she would repeat the complaint. They were always being made to feel like they were falling short of her expectations. It was not helpful for the relationship and hindered a real warm connection that respected each person's choice to be engaged in the relationship.
I really hear your loneliness and I appreciate that the COVID pandemic is accentuating that feeling of being alone. It may be a time for considering how you are looking after yourself. I know for me, as a carer of five family members, I have had to take stock of myself. I have started a weight loss program because I seriously had not had the energy to focus on myself as so much of my energy has been focused on keeping my four children alive through the horror teenage years and supporting my partner who has been very incapcitated with mental and physical health issues. I am starting to get some good air into my lungs again because of the good nutrition after a long time of running on empty. But I have had to make decisions that I matter and that I need to put my needs to the front.
As human beings we tend to be a bit focused on how others should be meeting our needs and less focused on how we can be proactive in having our needs met. Often times the need for support from those we most want to be connected to gets communicated as demands or disappointment at not having that need met, which perpetuates the need not being met.
It may also be helpful to suggest a regular meeting time with your family members and be intentional about making that a fun time to get together, whether it is a skype or zoom conversation once a week, fortnight or month or a planned face-to-face meeting. The connection is the important thing and having a purpose for the connection can be helpful. For example, I have just started meeting intentionally with my youngest daughter once a week/fortnight depending on her availablity. Prior to my initiating this time when I could pass on some wisdom to her, she had been so independent that I rarely head from her. Lucky to hear from her once a month or more as she was living independently and working and had a boyfriend. Now I see her at least once a fortnight and our time together is really rich, as I am helping her and there is something tangible in the connection for her. Perhaps if you could consider what might make it attractive for your kids may also be motivating to them. ie a meal together, a meet up at their favourite place, a sharing of some family wisdom or information etc.
Anyways, just some thoughts from me. Connection is vitally important. Stay connected here.
Cheers
Hayley
