How to come back from the edge?

Hi,

I'm new here and just wanted to share what I'm felling.

I have suffered depression since my early teens and social anxiety all my live, never had treatment or talke to anyone about this. I've never been able to connect to people except a few I can be count with my fingers.

The social anxiety was never too much of a problem as I do enjoy spending time alone but in my working life in an office setting it caused me great stress which made me dread going to work every day and having to go to meetings, I was made redundant last year, it was a relief, not having to go to the office felt great. My social skills and confidence are non existent, when I speak even to the 2 people closest to me then don't seem to undertand what I say, I ask a question and I get a competle diffferent answer people just don't seem to listen when I speak they just have an answer ( or what they want to say) already decided and seem to "ignore" me, or at least this is how I feel so I just don't even bother any more, it hurts and just push me further away from trying.

This makes me feel even more depressed, I have gone to uni and have multiple skills and qualifications but I've realised that this is not of any importance as if you can't talk to people or be a nice person to hang around at the office and talk all day long with co workers the "friendly office" is just not interested in a bore like me. peopl seem to have this great need to cnnect with other and beocome friends with everyone they meet, so they don;t seem to undrestand I don't or want need this.

I can't see the point of anything in life. I don't enjoy anything I just sit in front of the tv and pay attention from time to time to the shows that are one. At the moment the only thing that gets me out of be in the morning is having to call my dad (as he expects my call everytday) to see how he's doing as he lives overseas alone, my mom suffers from dementia and lives in a nursing home. The only thing I have to "look forward to" is when my dad dies I'll have to travel overseas to sort out my mom's care (there's no one that can do this for her, she'll be alone) and all the paperwork involved with my dad's passing as I will be responsible to handle this, not much joy or happines to look forward to.

Since I don't have anything to look forward to I practicly gambled all my money away in the last year and now live with $100 bucks in my account, what's the point in having money other than paying rent and food? I just can't seem fing anything that's worth anyting

I'm currenlty working doing deliveries part time for a really low pay that's enough to cover the basics, I've applied for professional jobs but in a constantly changing industry my skills just never seem to be good enough, never enough experience never qualified with the right softwares, having work references is also a problem as I don't keep in contact with peple I have worked with so that also scares me of.

Of course asking for help or talking to anyone has always been imposible due to the social aniety

Anyway, hope any of this makes sence, it's a long rant