BPD and romantic relationships - questions

Hi @Hopscotch,

Reading your experience resinates strongly with the relationship I have just come from. My partner also had BPD, but was probably younger than you. I think that the over sharing portion is something that she also did, partly it was as a warning that this is what I do in a relationship. It was very difficult to hear the stories but made absolute sense of the emotions that she would then exhibit.

If I could offer you some simple advice it is follow the warnings as a way forward with relationships. My partner often said that she had a split persona that would exhibit in two ways, the stable stoic woman personality and the destructive teenage personality. As you have suggested the fear of abonnement seemed to be her enabler to slip back into the Younger relationship destroyer.

As the partner it was hard to try and balance her emotions so she didn’t think that I was ready to leave or do something that would hurt her. But in saying that it was very obvious when her brain would slip into the negative and spiral to her logical conclusion that I was looking at other women and/or was going to hurt her. This was further exacerbated by drug and alcohol abuse.

I would also say that all men are not bad, but it seems to be that there is an attraction to some pretty bad men. And the abuse tends to become a continued cycle. He hurt me there fore I will hurt and treat all men the same way. I can only imagine the sorrow that drives this reaction.

As a man I could not see a way to communicate my point clearly, I thing we have the primal understanding etched into our brains that hurt replicates hurt.

The clear difference that I have come to understand between women with BPD and the more neurotypical is the heighten escalation of emotions and the inability to step back from the edge. It seems that no matter the cause of emotional trauma that there is only the pain that exists from the BPD and the pain of the actions of the partner will never amount or be equal to the pain that they are experiencing.

I also have a daughter and am an uncle to Niece with BPD, my sister who manages my niece has probably insulated her away from the bad men to extent. She has surrounded her with positive role models and encourages her to speak openly to us on the feelings that she is driven too. The difference that my former partner exhibits is actively seeking men that she would know would hurt her. And to further exacerbate this she would repeat the same actions which would generally lead to sexual abuse over and over. It is hard to understand why she could not break the chain of cause and effect.

Lastly, I also identify with the keep em keen by being mean, again this will only drive long term recement. I think most men have at least some capacity and or driven to help. Understanding how engrossing the BPD was for my partner I was continually drawn to trying to help her. I look at my actions and think in reverse would she have helped me in the same way. I really hope that you can get to the point where you are comfortable in relationship again. Maybe write down the non – negotiables and the nice to have but can learn to live with out’s. But treat the relationship with some mutual respect, all men are not there to hurt you. And you are not there to hurt all men.

hope this in some way makes sence. Cairns

Hi @Cairns

Thank you so much for your considered response to my message. All the points that you raised resonated with me.

Interestingly, though I do have a history of dating men who have treated me poorly, I have also dated men who were lovely, well adjusted, successful, interesting - good men. I self-sabotaged all of those connections -always feeling that I wasn't good enough for them, or that I had only shared with them my positive attributes, all the things that they had been drawn to. I might have shared my dark experiences with them, but was always so afraid of them seeing my own darker sides...I would end the connection before they got to expereience that - such were/are my fears of being rejected/abandoned. I believed that sharing my history with them meant that I was being vulnerable with them, but I know that's not the case. Being vulnerable with them means letting them know, letting them see the parts of me that are truly scary.

The only partners who I have shared my BPD with, I have shared after an incident- whether an off the chart outburst, or my eemingly inexplicable self isolation - incidents that seemed to threaten the connection enough and scare me enough that I would be abandoned, that I opened up.

I have a further question...given your experiences, do you have any suggestions about how someone with BPD might bring this up with a new dating partner before any big incidents occur? (I wonder if I should post this question separately - or if it has been discussed before.)

Thank you again for your reasoned response, your advice was sound in every way. I am truly grateful that you took the time out to pen this. Hopscotch.

Personally, I have three non-negotiables with women, No lies, No drugs and No infidelity. My relationship had all three of them in spades. Reflecting now I see that my relationship was doomed from the very beginning, but like a moth to a flame I was helpless to pull out of the relationship. I once did a test in the Army that profiled traits, I remember the facilitator saying that I had the highest instincts for protective instincts he had ever seen. “Madison” my previous partner had lost her father at very young age, call it daddy issues all you like – but what I saw was immediate abonnement issues that where never addressed let alone resolved.

I believe that Madison’s mother never addressed this as root cause and allowed her daughter wonder into adolescence blind to the potential hazards that exist when you surround yourself with men that pray on the young and vulnerable. So, there is the cause and effect in a nut shell, why I believe her issues exists.

Add to this her internal reward structure that allows her to use – for a period and you have the perfect storm that goes from Calm and productive to out of control and split into the ergo driven craze until the next great event that pulls her off the cliff.

I once asked her what can I do when you get in this state? Her answer was threatening to call my mum. Reflecting on this I feel that I probably should have done exactly that. But in saying that I also know the trauma that would have ensued. The day of our break up was after a massive night out, I went to her house in the morning to find her split out of control and yelling at me for being at her house. This was no different to any other day; she had sent me a text the night before saying I’m going for 1 or 2 drinks with friends. That had turned into a 5 am bender. She yelled at me saying that I was C#$T and that she had the right to F&%K who she wanted when she wanted. She also confirmed that she had taken drugs and I should just deal with it, as a recovering Drug user and Alcoholic dealing with it is dependent upon the people around you dealing with it.

Later in the morning I received text messages and slivers of now made up stories on what had happened. She refused to tell the truth again about the drugs and denied that she had sex with an ex sexual partner. At that point I pressed her to acknowledge the truth as I knew that this behaviour would continue every week end until it would turn into every night. I asked her to take a drug test to make her confront her obvious lie. At this point I think she realised that I was no longer going to be the punching bag, an as always turned the blame onto me. This is what BPD is to me. BPD is a condition that makes the sufferer always right, no matter what the cost it is not my problem because I have the condition. Transpose this to a relationship where you are trying to love and trust someone who is willing to do almost anything to hide and conceal the truth.

My simple advice as someone who has lived through this is acknowledge that you have the condition. Talk through the triggers. Acknowledge that you should probably not drink I think the drugs are given as well (not prescribed) Understand that you are wanted and that you are loved, if the person that you are with cannot accept this as one truth he probably does not deserve to be with you.

Thankyou for your kind words I hope that my experience brings some perspective from a partner’s point of view. No matter how ugly the truth is the most important aspect of trust.

Cairns

Hi @Cairns

Thanks for sharing your personal experience. It certainly has brought perspective.

I have seen a lot of discussions on forums from disaffected ex-partners of DBT sufferers. On the whole, I found that the accounts of relationship experiences with a DBT partner are decisively negative. The information and advice shared on those forums is essentially that DBT sufferers are toxic, drama ridden, selfish, manipulators with no self insight. There are strong directives for men still in a r'ship with a DBT partner, to get out of the rationship ASAP, by any means and to stay well clear of anyone with DBT in the future. Whilst I don't discount anyone else's experience, it's no wonder there is so much stigma attached to the condition.

I can only speak for myself, but I've long acknowledged that I had the condition, despite receivung push back from many medical practitioners over many, many years - instead of getting diagnosed with BPD, I was diagnosed with a grab bag of other conditions - conditions where the primary treatment is medication. The medical profession knows the stigma attached too and are cautious of diagnosing it. It's only been from my own volition that I now have a therapist who uses techniques most helpful with treating BPD.

I am sorry that you were in a relationship where you were always blamed and that your partner was always 'right' and how that affected you. Also that is what BPD is to you.

For me, I don't think that I am always right. I have been treated very poorly in various situations by different people in the past. These things have made it very difficult for me to accept that I am wanted, that I am loved, that I have worth. Though I blame these people for their actions against me, I also appreciate that nobody is all good or all bad - that we are all products of an imperfect world. When any element in my life goes wrong, yes, I do get angry and feel aggrieved by the other party, but in the majority of situations, I am hurt and angry for the manner in which the other party acted. When it comes to the actual situation or event, it is myself who I blame most often.

In relationships, yes, my experiences are that I am very emotionally reactive and insecure and can be triggered easily into saying or doing things that are out of line and hurtful. After my emotions settle, I see my actions for what they were, I acknowledge my actions and apologise. In some ways, when I have these outbursts, I liken them to having Turettes Syndrome - triggers come completely out of the blue and, my emotional outbursts happen without any premeditated negative thoughts towards my partner, the expletives or hurting words just explode out of me. I say this as an explanation, not to use BPD as an excuse and also acknowledging that it is not enough to simply apologise if the same thing keeps happening.

In terms of talking about BPD, I'm still not sure what to do. In my last relationship, unfortunately, it was only after an outburst incident that I became brave enough to tell my then partner about BPD. He did know a lot of my trauma history already (typical BPD oversharing), but I did guide him to online BPD resources and to his credit, he did read up to try and understand. At the same time, he was clear in telling me that what I said and did was not okay with him. I respected that he had set boundaries and told him as much.

Of course I'd like to be completely open and honest with a partner and as you say, to meet someone who will love and accept me as I am, but most people don't know about BPD and there is so much stigmatising mis-information floating around online. The idea of divulging my BPD to a new partner is petrifying given that most online advice to people who find themselves in a relationship to someone with BPD, is to run for the hills.

Living with BPD is hellish. I didn't choose it. I don't want it for me or for anyone else in my life. I am so happy to be finally diagnosed. Not because I want to use it as an excuse for anything that I have done which has caused hurt or harm to anyone else, but because it helps me to understand so much about my life and importantly, to find a non medicine based treatment for this with research suggesting that with work and commitment, treatment is successful with low relapse rates.

I admit that I do love my 'up times' - I am warm and engaging and magnanimous and affectionate, curious and interested and optimistic.. I radiate good energy. But I never know how long these 'up times' are going to last. The 'down times' come over me so unexpectedly, so quickly, so heavily. This roller-coaster ride has affected every element of my life - ultimately for the worse and I truly don't want to hurt the people I love. I'm so exhausted by the ups and downs that I've pushed so many people away, because I don't want to subject them to the same. Though it's early days in my treatment, I am so determined to learn how to regulate my emotions, to not feel everything so intensely, to be stable in my life and to have loving, caring, stable relationships.

I want so much to be free of the issues that come with having BPD. I also want to be free of the BPD label, with all the stigma and demonisation it carries.

Thank you again for sharing details of your experience. It did provide a really helpful perspective from a partner's point of view. I hope that my words in turn, have provided a different perspective of a woman with BPD to your lived experience.