sleep fails me once again

Another night of tossing and turning with zero sleep. I wish that knowing why I am unable to sleep would help but it is definitely making it worse. I have tried meditation, candles, diffusers, music, hot chocolate and several other ideas but sleep still evades me. I have only managed short naps during day light hours.

2 weeks ago I had a second date with a man I thought to be kind and caring. The date started well with a hug and kiss but it didn't take long for it to turn horribly wrong for me. I thought we would watch a movie and maybe make out but he had other ideas. Without going into graphic detail he was sexually aggressive and violent. It was like a flick of a switch from this charming sweet guy to a monster and then back to the sweet smiling guy once he was done. Even asked me if I had fun. I was so scared that I played along for fear of the monster returning. He smiled and said see you soon before leaving my house.

I ignored his missed call last week but last night he called 8 times in under 20 minutes. I want him to leave me alone but I can't go to the police, not again. This is not the first time I've been sexually assaulted. The process with the police was extremely traumatic and not something I feel like I could cope with again.

I have had nightmares where I wake up screaming but there's no sound and I can't catch my breath.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD from the first assault and my psychologist thinks that this new assault has triggered all of those thoughts and feelings. In the past I have always been able cry as a way to release my emotions but for the last 2 weeks that has not been the case.

I go through feeling angry, scared, confused and sad but mainly just numb. It took years for me to get to a point where I could confide in anyone close to me what happened over 10yrs ago but I don't think I can keep up appearances the way I used to. There are a few very supportive people in my life that I know I should open up to but just the thought of saying it out loud to them makes me feel sick.

I just want to feel whole again