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I'm confused about why I act like I do

Lily16Casual Contributor23 July 2016, 7:24 pm AEST

I'm confused about why I act like I do

No matter how much I look into, I just can't understand why I'm the way I am. Part of me is concerned, and the other part tells my I'm only concerned about having a mental disorder because I want one. I don't know why I want one either... Maybe for attention or affection? But it's not like I don't get enough of that in my daily life, so I have no idea.

I've reseached a few mental disorders and some of them have symtoms that apply to me. I self-harm, not because I'm depressed or have low self-esteem (In fact, I consider myself quite arrogant) but because part of me says I should. Half says "Do it" and the other says "It's stupid, you'll regret it" and the first half always wins. So I happily hurt myself then feel indifferent about it afterwards (because I don't know if I should be happy about it or not). I've cut, bruised and overdosed. I don't let ANYONE know about this because I don't want their images of me to change.

I dream of getting hurt in some way I can't control. Tortured, injured, raped... And the end product being some beautiful scars and mental disorders. I've even considered 'accidentaly' falling down stairs or something like that. And when I do accidentaly get hurt, I love the wound and scar it produces but not necessarily the pain.

I often have thoughts that others dislike me or are in love with me, which part of me says is just stupid thoughts that I made up. I flacuate between liking my friends (or more like being able to deal with them) and hating them. The only people I can truely say I love is my family. I wouldn't be that sad if my friends died really. In fact their pain and suffering make me happy sometimes. I'm also socially awkard and would rather sit alone by myself then be with people. Partys and going out with friends is punnishment to me. The only reason I stay with them is fear of rejection.

I also notice I have a different face for everyone. Like, the way I talk to one person is never the same as how I talk to another person and I can't control this. It's annoying that I can never be myself (whatever the hell that might me) around anyone because the second I meet them my way of acting around them is set.

I can never tell anyone I know these things, because their perseption of me would change. No one knows I self harm or would like the get hurt. If they knew this, I fear they would see me differently or as a weirdo or something... I can't quite describe it properly. That's the reason I've never gone to a pyschologist, because I'm too young to go alone so I'd have to tell my parents if I wanted to go.

I've never been through a traumatic experience nor any family problems (although I swear my dad is a narcissist). The closest things I've had to trauma is my dog dying, my parents divorcing and those times my dad made me keep trying to break a board (for taekwon-do) until I broke it which would fill me with stress and anger. But those were a long time ago. I don't understand why I'm the way I am... Are these ways of feeling normal? Sorry for writing so much but it's had because there's so many things about me I can't understand. I'm arrogant, but self harming. I hate rejection, but I hate people as well.... What's wrong with me? Or is nothing wrong with me...

8 replies

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In response to: I'm confused about why I act like I do

AgnesContributor23 July 2016, 9:30 pm AEST

Re: I'm confused about why I act like I do

Lily16,

Wow, sounds like you have a lot going on...I am guessing- by the way you wrote- that you must be aged in your mid teens. I think you can go to a G.P., without your parents if you wish, and he should respect your privacy. What about a school counsellor ? Or you can try these 2 services:-

* Kids Helpline phone - 1800 55 1800- [free,private,confidential,24 hours/7 days a week ]

* Lifeline- phone 13 11 14 -[ 24 hours/7 days personal support ]

Also, you can print out this letter to help you explain to others how you are feeling. You have taken this first step which is not always easy...goodluck and please let us know how you go.

In response to: I'm confused about why I act like I do

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 9:52 pm AEST

Re: I'm confused about why I act like I do

Hi @Lily16,

you are not alone in feeling many of the things you do. There are many people on this forum that experience some of what you describe. I can relate to the fear of rejection, not knowing who I am and self harm. I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to a health professional about these things. As @Agnes suggested you could see a doctor by yourself or a school counsellor or a helpline. Headspace is also available for you. They have a really good website too. However I think that it sounds like you come from a loving family and although you think it will hurt them to tell them it's probably harder for them not to know. I think they could help lots if they knew. I am a parent of teenagers and I would want to know so I could get them the best help possible. Well done for posting here, that was brave. I wish you all the best in finding help. 💜😊

In response to: Re: I'm confused about why I act like I do

Lily16Casual Contributor23 July 2016, 10:15 pm AEST

Re: I'm confused about why I act like I do

Thanks for your reply!

Yes, I'm in my mid teens. I'll have to look into seeing the school counselor I guess... Hopefully I won't have to get my parents involved for that. I don't want to know how they would react or for them to give me 'special treatment'.

I'll be sure to let you know how it goes!

In response to: Re: I'm confused about why I act like I do

Lily16Casual Contributor23 July 2016, 10:18 pm AEST

Re: I'm confused about why I act like I do

Thanks for replying!

I'll definately go see the school counselor if/when I can. The issue with telling my parents is that I feel like they may not completely understand and it'll complicate things... I'm not brave enough to try YET. But maybe one day I'll tell them.... Maybe...

In response to: Re: I'm confused about why I act like I do

pipSenior Contributor24 July 2016, 10:52 am AEST

Re: I'm confused about why I act like I do

Hi Lily 16. Going to see a Dr when you are in your teens means the confidentiality clause between Dr/patient would be relevant. In other words, the Dr must respect your right to keep the consultation between you and him/her. The only time the clause is considered irrelevant or is 'waived' is when the patient (in this case you) is considered not able to understand what the problem or treatment is. The school counsellor would be a great starting point, however, keep in mind, he/she is unable to prescribe mediation, this needs to come from a Dr. I also suggest you ask for help in letting your parents know your state of mind. There is loads of info concerning mental health these days and your parents do have the right to know your state of mind. The self-harm you mention gives you a sense of 'release' and a sense of feeling that you're lacking. But it is not recommended in the long run as hurting yourself only stops the pain momentarily, but the pain returns probably more so. It also sounds as though you feel as you're not loved or wanted, probably untrue, but real enough for you. This too needs addressing.

In response to: Re: I'm confused about why I act like I do

AgnesContributor24 July 2016, 5:03 pm AEST

Re: I'm confused about why I act like I do

Lily16,
Nice to hear back from you. You should be able to see the school counsellor privately and in school hours.Talking with someone often helps and is a good start.

In response to: I'm confused about why I act like I do

MargeS1980Casual Contributor24 July 2016, 5:22 pm AEST

Re: I'm confused about why I act like I do

You are normal! I read your words and they took me back to when i was your age and felt very much like you. I'll tell you what I've just discovered after struggling with the same questions as you are, don't pretend to be something you think other people expect/want you to be. But at the same time learn about who you are (i did a meyer briggs personality test and it helped me understand my personality type and that there are other people like me so i didn't feel so alone.
I'm a high functioning bipolar type 2 (recently diagnosed as a rare side effect from taking antideppressants for the first time in my 20 yr struggle with mental health issues) + borderline personality disorder. But ive only just discovered all this. If you feel this way you deserve to have the opportunity not to...not to try hard to be happy, not pretending anymore. Seek guidance/help now so you don't end up looking back on your life as a 36 year old and realising that this mofo has stolen over half my life. Most importantly there is nothing wrong with the way you feel but if you can understand it you can own it. No one should judge you for asking for help or advice and if they do just think they might have their own shit going on to make them feel that way but it's not a reflection on you. Lol now I've ranted you back!! Take care x

In response to: Re: I'm confused about why I act like I do

ChrisSenior Contributor24 July 2016, 6:22 pm AEST

Re: I'm confused about why I act like I do

Well my love the teenage years can be very turbulent. But i guess i dont need to tell you that. I remember how it was for myself, and i had no one to turn to. I certainly felt my parents wouldn't understand.

I now have 18yr old grand-daughter and she has certainly been through a tough time.

We have spent many hours talking. I keep our talks confidential, unless i feel her parent need to know, but always get her permission first. Do you have a grandma you can talk to or an aunt?

My grandaughter has found the school counselor really helpful also headspace please seek out some help. And please know you are not alone. You can come here anytime and talk.

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