HELP WITH BPD FRIEND

hello and welocme to the forum @OnlyLove

letting you know you are not alone my friend

how are you today and how is your friend ??

@Determined, @outlander , @BPDSurvivor

Hi @OnlyLove and welcome.

I think boundaries are really important. But I also know how hard they are to implement and sustain.

I support my wife (aka my Darling) who lives with BPD. Wr have been married for 20+ years and have 3 children. You can find some of our story here on how I initially introduced boundaries.

I believe specefic boundaries will vary depending on relationship and risk. My current counsellor asked me recently why I had let boundaries slip. Simple answer is that they are hard work. For me in the context of a marriage relationship. It is often like single parenting 4 children rather than a team parenting 3. I will be revisiting boundaries in coming weeks with my counsellor so happy to share with you any helpful tips I pick up.

I also understand the fear around breaching the topic of boundaries. When I first introduced boundaries my darling was in a private hospital mental health unit. I was able to prep her assigned nurse prior. Give darling a print out and discussed it with her and left her in a safe environment with the support of her nurse to discussed it with.

I had also previously discussed it with my counsellor at the time to ensure my thoughts were reasonable and discussed it here on the forums as it was an emotional time and I wanted to be sure I was not over reacting. And I found it so hard putting boundaries on my wife. As such I like to consider them as lovingly implemented guidlines to create an environment of consistency and security not simply rules to be enforced.

While some boundaries have slipped the big ones around self harm have remaind firm and as a result there has been no significant self harm or for over 2 years. And only one drive off but that was more controlled than we have often seen. Something I am most grateful for.

Happy to answer any questions the best I can.

Dear @OnlyLove ,

I totally agree with @Determined .

My case is different, because I AM the BPD. Your struggles are very real to me. It is a lot of work, hence patience is needed. You are very thoughtful and amazing to want to see your BPD friend through. However, you need to take care of yourself and your needs first. I don't believe putting your life on hold because of your BPD friend will make your BPD friend any better.

As you said, boundaries is what is needed. We dread them but we know it is the only thing that will keep a healthy relationship. The key is open communication so we know exactly what you are thinking of or wanting to do. For this to work, it needs to be two-sided. I know you have tried talking about it, but only when we realise something is not working, and want to change to make it better, then we can be helped.

Thank you for being so patient with your borderline. It IS worthwhile. We need people like you who are willing to persist.

My heart and thoughts are with you.

BPDSurvivor

Hi @BPDSurvivor . Nice to meet you and hear things form BPD point of.view.

@OnlyLove one thing I might add and hopfully bod survivor can add some input on this thought. From my experience (and our situation particually) I believe one of the biggest aspects why boundaries work is consistancy in response reduces uncertainty.

For many years (15+) my approach was to make it up as we went along. To make allowances in the hope of making life easier foe my darling. I had a counsellor poijt out that this only created uncertainty. Having a fixed reaponse for specefic events reduces uncertanty and in turn anxiety.

(Ie hurt yourself intentionally and you go to hospital. Not negotiable. Drive off in the car in an unsafe manner. I call the police. Not negotiable.)

Turns out it worked.

I juat need to revisit some of the smaller things again to return some harmony to oir family.

Recent meltdown by darling resulted in bod reaponse from one of our boys. I was initially anxious that things may escalate both in fact the shut down was just what she needed. He made it clear that her behaviour was not ok and he was upset. I hopento be a little less brutal than he was but the message needs to be the same. And it was a reminder to me how important those (communication in this case) boundaries are.

Hope that helps.

Thank you so much @Determined . You've hit the nail on the head.

Clear, consistent boundaries are a must which have been established at a time when both sides are ready. After both sides have agreed, then consequences have to be followed through, just as @Determined has mentioned e.g. self harm=hospital; erratic driving=police. I respect those who have not been swayed by my tears nor my emotional me.

Another one is deciding on contactable times/days. For example, "You can phone me any time from 10am to 3pm each day for a max of 30mins." Other times are dedicated to family...be warned though...we will test this out. We may contact you at 2:45 and see if you will speak past your 3:00pm. Of course tears and outbreaks might occur including "you don't even care!". However, when setting up boundaries, this is where you bring this in and have it noted that outside these dedicated times, other helplines/services can be contacted. Also, please don't fall into the trap of reading and responding to our messages/emails outside these times either - it may just send you on a guilt trip.

I have to say, you really need to be cruel to be kind - I just don't think there's any other way.

All the best.

Please continue to reach out @OnlyLove .

BPDSurvivor

@BPDSurvivor your last comments about contact are very accurate.

I routinly get phone calls / text mesages before univeristy exams or imoortant meetings expressing a desie for perminant solutions.

Now I do my best to turn the phone off as I leave the house. If I think there is any risk I arrange for a visitor.

I spent most of yesterday in bed pouring through your self-care thread @Determined - your honesty and willingness to share has made this space feel much safer. You gave words to feelings I had or concepts just out of my reach. Thank you. I only wish now that I had screenshot the posts that really spoke to me for future reference 🤦‍♀

After our first conversation and attempt at reconciliation suggesting we move forward in our friendship with greater awareness and BPD informed, I wasn't sure what to expect.
Despite how the conversation ended I knew I had to be the one to make first contact - so she didn't feel like I had just truth bombed her and abandoned her.

We msged each other briefly over the following days just to touch base. I could sense the frostiness still and the carefully chosen words. I have to be hypervigilant in regards to manipulation.
Three days in she called me because she was peaking - her 17yo twins in care that she hadn't seen in 12 months were driving to see her for the evening.
She got through it (despite another altercation with her roommate) and it made her very happy. I went to visit her the very next day and we talked about her family time experience and her desire to move out. Without having a dang print out on BPD with me, I was super careful and mindful not to swing the conversation topic abruptly.
I suggested we go on an overnight car camp out like we used to as we both needed it and it would give her something to look forward to. Quality time and maybe an opportunity to address some stuff.

We briefly spoke about how the kids would be more part of her life as they head towards 18, that stopped short as her kids msged her to say they were back on their way to see her. I know in myself that it's going to be trying times ahead for her/them as they gain their independence and their relationship develops. Turns out only one came and the other felt uninvited and was speaking to case worker ☹ So it begins..

So it's extremely early days yet. I'm not sure how to create that safe space enough for us to talk about her specific behaviours without triggering her off the deep end. Or how to encourage her to do her own homework, I dont think thats even possible for her to sit with or explore.

For myself I have applied for a Family Connections spot, also enrolled into a Mental Health Wellness course. I feel like I have a lot of homework on BPD to do but I also need to be disciplined in my own daily self-care just in general as I've just been absolutely wiped (since ??? 😔) it doesn't help being someone that feels it all. Daily journaling and interaction diary keeping is something I have JUST started also.

@Determined I really like the idea of boundary = consequence plan. I am going to sandwich it with a self-care action for myself too. I too "made it up as I went along" just patching up the leaks, running to the rescue. I had no idea this created even more uncertainty!!!

I've never said to anyone (or heard of anyone) "I will only speak to you during these times, on these days for x amount of time" Personally I feel it's super clinical and it's a huge trigger of hers - the need for unconditional love/friendship because that's the expectation of herself and of me as her friend.
This is where it initially backfired for me because I was absolutely drowning at the time, I had set up an auto msg saying I wasn't available. Then I discovered "Do Not Disturb" on my phone and it was pretty much on 24/7. This is when she realised the dynamic of our friendship was changing because I couldn't handle her/respond to her/give her any energy. Yes, I was being a bad friend but I was trying to protect myself and recoup 😓

You're absolutely right @BPDSurvivor it is about open communication - which we have no problem with around any OTHER topic. I don't want to come across as accusatory or point the finger and I myself am also super emotional and cannot stand angry confrontation

It also took me a long time to realise that I was an enabler. I feel guilt and shame about that. I was able to be swayed to not call the police/ambulance and was convinced those routes would make her worse because she would then also have to deal with the consequences on top of what she was already dealing with. She resents any official help.

@BPDSurvivor thank you for your support and insight. I really appreciate your perspective and hope you'll continue to share it with me

@Shaz51 thank you for the check-in. These forums have now become a part of my self-care.

@OnlyLove glad the information was helpful and trust things go as well as they can moving forward.

@OnlyLove What a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing your true and honest ups and downs.

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@OnlyLove wrote:

I've never said to anyone (or heard of anyone) "I will only speak to you during these times, on these days for x amount of time" Personally I feel it's super clinical and it's a huge trigger of hers - the need for unconditional love/friendship because that's the expectation of herself and of me as her friend.

This is where it initially backfired for me because I was absolutely drowning at the time, I had set up an auto msg saying I wasn't available. Then I discovered "Do Not Disturb" on my phone and it was pretty much on 24/7. This is when she realised the dynamic of our friendship was changing because I couldn't handle her/respond to her/give her any energy. Yes, I was being a bad friend but I was trying to protect myself and recoup.

Rest assured, protecting yourself does not make you a bad friend. We (pwBPD) can be extremely demanding. You give an inch, we take a mile. You give us 5 minutes, we take 50mins.

As for setting contact boundaries, I myself have never heard anyone suggest to tell a borderline "I will only speak to you during these times, on these days for x amount of time", but the message is there. This is what makes us comfortable. The idea of "unconditional love/friendship" is dangerous for us. It makes us feel insecure. If you set boundaries, we will hate it at first, but it will comfort us later.

I am so happy to hear you are tapping into external services to receive support.

I take my hat off to you @OnlyLove and @Determined , as well as all other BPD carers. We need your understanding and support.

There IS light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm here to prove it. Your dedication and hard work will pay off. Just don't stop hoping.

Hugs,

BPDSurvivor

Hi @OnlyLove ,

Just checking in to see how you are going.

Cheers, BPDSurvivor