The Philosopg-g Of Tiny Threads.

When I saw on Fb this was a free service I could utalize I decided I would try and use it as a tool to ease my way back into councelling and maybe try and use your service as a jumpingboard to the right referal services when I feel ready. But I am done talking and trying to explain verbally all my issues, I am slightly Austistic so I have a few deficits in the verbal area of communicatiion and in an inability to identify other peoples body language, so face to face I can appear to be a bit of a moron, but give me a keyboard and some time to gather my thoughts and it becomes clear I could afford to lose 20 IQ points and I would still be ahead of the curve and well above the majority interlectually, I'm what I like to call stupid smart, a genius at being an idiot but brilliant at being a total smartarse. If I can't do it using text, I'm not doing it,I am not putting myself through not being able to find the words and form the right vocal combinations to explain what I need to say and failing time and time again, when in this medium I have a well above average ability to formulate exactly what I want to say and how I want to say it and do so with ease but talking I am no better then a caveman trying to describe how a computer works, its not happening verbally. I am sorry if that sounds extreme or too intense but I feel really strongly about it, I have had some horrible horrible experiences from the assumption that I am really stupid to just increadable frustration at my inability to translate what is in my head into words that can explain what I need to say, somewhere between my brain and my mouth there is a conflict, the ideas get scrambled, I get confusion instead of the translation of the idea I only just had into the words I am supposed to use to communicate that idea. Using text, I can bring my full 142 IQ to bare and not look and sound like a 92 when talking. I can do it the smart way or the look stupid, sound stupid is stupid way and I'm not stupid, and I am all talked out, I have had so many counselors leave for better jobs in the private sector just as I began making progress or on the moment just before a significant realisation or breakthrough was about to occure and just sabotage it and forcing me to start with someone new and force me to retell all that horrible stuff all from the start that I have Goundhog Day Therapy Fatigue.

I went through at least a dozen different medications before I found one that works for me. One made me pass out when I got up the the next morning, I remember feeling like all the blood was draining out of my head and woke up on the floor with my partner standing over me. Some made my condition worse, some made me very aggressive. I eventually settled on anti-psychotic which I am told I am not allowed to name for some reason. If ever there was a forum to discuss our medication and our experiences on them so others might feel less fear about taking them, it would be here? Oh well!. The first month I had this ackward feeling I was someone else, like not myself. I think at the 6 month mark I started to feel like I might be able to get back to being the person I was before all the paronoia, depression and crazy impulses became my world. And I have for the most part.

What are some of the worst things I experienced during my mental illness? At one point I lost a huge chunk of my IQ. Like it took a huge nose dive. I lost all the values and ethics I had spent a lifetime refining and during this stupid phase I found myself thinking increadably racist and sexist thoughts and agreeing with views being broadcast on the nightly news. I could tell I wasn’t as sharp as I used to be and I am the kind of person who valued knowledge and intelligence so I had the incentive to try and claw back some points. I have done the whole write crazy posts and comments on Facebook thing, the ridicule I received actually embarrassed me to the point it was a driving force for me to remember to not post my unfiltered ideas online when I was a certain way. I am sure there are many many stories of how ridicule has impacted people in a negative way and it did in the short term but over the long term it served as motivation to try and get better and not be that crazy nut with the posts that are so cereal they are fruit loops. So it motivated me to think smarter so I started looking for a good foundation to build my new world view and discovered scientific thinking in which you try to set aside your emotions and feeling and instead make logic based choices and decisions based on the actual evidence as fact. For a person who has suffered confusion and questioned what is real and what my brain has tricked me into thinking and had so many embarrassing situations where I have let my emotions dictate how I behave resulting in making the wrong choices, that way of thinking was very attractive. Now I base my decisions and choices on evidence over emotion and facts over feelings and life makes a whole lot more sense and there is less conflict because even if my brain tells me to feel a certain way, if it’s not backed by evidence I can reason that it is not the right way to be feeling and I think smarter!

What is the worst things I experienced during my mental illness, Part 2. Just after I started taking my current medication, there was a 6 month period where I was just dead inside. I was just numb, I think the trauma of the previous decade overwhelmed my mind and I was essentially operating as a high functioning psychopath. I didn’t care about me so I didn’t care about other people. I had the memory of love, hate, what being emotionally connected felt like but it was like a thin veil, a shadow that I could not feel at that time. The only thing that stopped me hurting those around me was the memory of what the pain it would cause would feel like. I don’t have any advice on what you should do if it happens to you because I absolutely did the wrong thing and just coastered through one end of the experience and out the other without seeking help. I just remember it was a horrible cold uncaring isolated experience and one I hope I never have to go through ever again.

@NatureLover I followed your instructions, clicked “New Discuscion” but it seems to have created my new thread inside an existing thread, hahaha, do I have to start over? I find it very difficult to navigate in here, the problem maybe I am trying to do it on my phone and I actually need to use my laptop?

Hi @Philosoph-g , my name's Rainforest and I'm the moderator today.

Welcome to the SANE forums and thanks for telling the community a bit about yourself. You might like to check out the Guidelines as they can be a pretty useful in understanding how it all works with making sure members have a safe, respectful and anonymous place - https://saneforums.org/t5/help/faqpage#community-guidelines

Feel free to ask the SANE forum team or the members if you need help with how to use the forum and again welcome!

I thought might be helpful to jump in here @Philosoph-g and say it's great that you've found the forums and that this is a safe space to be able to talk about your experiences, keeping in mind the content isn't triggering or re-traumatising to other members. The forums are moderated by mental health professionals and aren't a counselling space or crisis service. If you need to talk to someone online then Lifeline have a chat service you can access https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/online-services/crisis-chat and Suicide Call Back Service also have a chat service - https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/suicide-call-back-service-online-counselling/

I hope some of this helps explain a bit better how the forums work and, again, it's great to have you part of the community.

Take care and enjoy the rest of your day

@Philosoph-g

What a challenging time that you are going through.

You mentioned that there has been some reoccurring issues for you that has been an obstacle to enjoy life. Have you chatted with anyone, family, friend, psychologist about your feelings and issues?

There are some dual diagnosis services that are starting to surface in some areas, have you considered trying to find a service or alternatively a mental health professional like a psychiatrist or psychologist that has a background specialising in alcohol and other drugs?

You could get your GP (doctor) to write up a chronic access health plan to give you 5 free sessions to a psychologist to help you get started and perhaps help you on your way to finding a diagnosis for your mental health issues. Which may in turn help you with a mental health plan.

I can only imagine the pain and dilemma you face each day. Stay strong.

@Former-Member If you have any issue with any of my material, you are going to have to spell out what that is and why. I’m a bit Autistic and don’t get hints. I would never deliberately try to trigger another person, I am just working through some stuff and find writing about it very therapeutic, much more then talking about it and I have discovered some things that I think have made living with my mental illness easier and at times down right fun. Like I discovered having a brain that tries to convince you of all this crazy nonsense doesn’t need to be horrible, I have had times where I have used it to have the most fun and the best laughs at my own expense. I hope that doesn’t upset anyone, that I actually enjoy being crazy sometimes?

Hey @Philosoph-g , yeah totally get what you're saying, which is why I mentioned chat services if you need a bit more privacy to talk about some of these issues.

It can be hard at first on the forums to work them out, so it's great that you're asking questions. If you're unsure about triggering content you can always email us here at team@saneforums.org and run it past us.

Most of all, be yourself and have fun here! 🙂

Cheers and take care, Rainforest