Tilly20Casual Contributor
Used to cope
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't doing the greatest before. In fact I spent a lot of time really depressed and anxious before when I was living in my family home. I used to have school to escape to for over 12 hours a day (after school/uni activities) and I could leave the house and do stuff with friends. I moved out with my boyfriend in 2018 and it was like a massive weight disappeared. I could pursue what I was passionate about, work on myself and relax every night at home. But I had to break up with him and move back home. That's where the trouble started. I couldn't handle the routine and screaming and negativity anymore. My depressive and anxious thought processes started happening again. I went on exchange this semester, not because I wanted to travel, but to get financial support while getting away from it (It's my last semester before my job is meant to start later this year). My brother has autism and is severely intellectually disabled. My mum has anxiety, needs my help, and is also a pressure cooker for negative and threatening comments. Talking to either of them isn't an option - and its difficult to understand why if you aren't from a family like mine - so please don't describe the benefits of doing so. I have to be really careful to control my feelings or outbursts as they can trigger stronger outbursts in my family. I'm not very successful. The environment is no worse or better than before I came back from my ex, or my exchange, but I I haven't been coping at all. The depression and catastrophizing thoughts are back with a vengence, and my anxiety has escalated to anxiety attacks every time a small thing goes wrong with my 'Way Out'. My Way Out is to move to another town for my graduate job in 3 months. I'm asking to bring the start date forward but they are known to reply slowly. This has been years in the making and it has been the one thing i've been holding onto.
Given how much I have receeded, I'm also terrified that I won't be functional anymore when I finally get there. Being social and productive and having a 'normal' and constructive setting to do it in has been such an anchor throughout my life. The idea of taking that away from myself makes me feel so defeated.
I know that it's not long now, but the aimlessness (and also strict routine) of my life at the moment is just giving my brain space for the destructive thought patterns. I haven't had here at home where I haven't cried and freaked out about situations that aren't real.
