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Can anyone relate?

hesokithinkNew Contributor29 May 2020, 1:07 pm AEST

Can anyone relate?

26M. Overall, I feel a sense of inadequacy to everyone else, I often feel as though I am not confident enough, interesting enough, good looking enough or funny enough, I feel my life compared to others is quite boring and for the most part lonely, I feel, compared to others that I do not have a lot of friends and the friends I do have are busy most of the time which amplifies these feelings of loneliness. I feel disconnected, like I haven’t found my people, or people that get me, that know me. I can’t stand to be in my own company for too long, especially on weekends when there’s the added pressure from society to be surrounded by friends having a blast, yet here I am struggling to even organise a lunch with the 1 or 2 flakey friends I have. This makes me feel like there is something wrong me, like I am a socially inept loser, a loner. I want to belong to a group of friends that know me and love me for me, to have that feeling of family, to be invited to weekly dinners or drinks or activities etc.

I have also recently started dating someone, she is outgoing and confident and is constantly surrounded by friends of hers, her social calendar is packed – seeing this and seeing how much she enjoys her well balanced life reiterates those feelings of inadequacy for me. I started to feel nowhere near good enough for her, like I had nothing to offer her, like my life was way too uninteresting and boring for her, like I was way too uninteresting and boring for her.

I feel like a prisoner to my own mind, all I want is to be happy with who I am, to be confident on my own in my own skin, I don’t want to live in my head anymore, I don’t want to constantly be googling mental health symptoms late at night, I don’t want to feel irritable or restless, I want to enjoy life, I want to enjoy meeting people and stop caring so much about what people think of me. I want to come out of my shell, find out who I am and own that uniqueness. I don’t want to be a follower anymore, I want to be me, and have my own passions and hobbies and interests. I’ve thought about joining meetups and groups but I just can’t picture myself doing it alone, I don’t feel confident enough.

I have booked in to see a professional but there is quite a wait. I’m just wondering, can anyone else relate? What were you diagnosed with or what do you think I am struggling with?

I do have goals, I’m starting Uni in a month, I plan to find work again (covid), I plan to move out, I plan to put myself out there more. Maybe I’m just seeking some sort of guidance from someone that’s been in a similar situation to me.

5 replies

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In response to: Can anyone relate?

BunniekinsSenior Contributor29 May 2020, 4:20 pm AEST

Re: Can anyone relate?

@hesokithink Hi hesokithink you are definitely not alone. Since I have been a member of the forums it strikes me as interesting how many young men (not women) are writing in asking for advice on these issues. I dont know what this actually means maybe that young men dont have anyone to talk to much about these sorts of issues or that they feel uncomfortabloe discussing it with their peers...... I really dont know. In any event. the steps that you are planning on taking are sound ways to broaded your mind and friendship base so a big tick from me for that. Going to see a professional is a good idea too as a person you feel comfortable talking too. Dont be hard on yourself you are doing well and above all have a bit of fun every day with your girlfriend. Take care greenpeax

In response to: Can anyone relate?

chibamSenior Contributor29 May 2020, 7:55 pm AEST

Re: Can anyone relate?

Hi @hesokithink ,

I can relate to much of what your saying, especially:

@hesokithink wrote:
...I feel disconnected, like I haven’t found my people, or people that get me, that know me.

Looks have never been important to me and I've always regarded self-confidance as an awful disease that I've never wanted to be a carrier of. So I never really worried about not being good looking or confidant. But I, too, often worried that I wasn't interesting enough or funny enough.

In many ways, this is still a concern, but I've come to realize that the burden can't fall on me alone to make the world funny and interesting; others on the scene have to do their bit, too. It's unreasonable to expect a single person to support the whole weight of the visable world on their shoulders.

@hesokithink wrote:
I want to enjoy life, I want to... stop caring so much about what people think of me.

FWIW, I've always considdered it quite virtuous to care what others think. I wish I had more people in my life who did so. Maybe life would actually be worthwhile if some people actually made an effort to be an enjoyable presence for others.

I've never been able to do much good with my life, but the few things that I can be proud of are the efforts I've made to make others happy. Somebody has to do it. I just wish I could've done more.

@hesokithink wrote:
I’m just wondering, can anyone else relate? What were you diagnosed with or what do you think I am struggling with?

I think you've already identified the problem yourself, TBH. You are separated from your people, your kindred spirits. The social environment you find yourself stuck in doesn't reflect your nature. I would hesistate to assume there is some disorder or defect with you because you are struggling in such a situation, just as I would hesitate to assume there must be some defect with a fish because it struggles when it's removed from the ocean.

@hesokithink wrote:
I have booked in to see a professional but there is quite a wait.

Just fair warning from someone whose been down that road, the "professionals" don't actually help you with real-life problems such as not having a compatable/fulfilling social circle.

However, you say you have a girlfriend with a strong social network? Could she help you connect with a compatable social circle? If there is a genuine connection between you and her, then I would think there could be reasonable odds of you finding a meaningful connection with whatever social circle she connects with.

In response to: Re: Can anyone relate?

JynxModerator29 May 2020, 9:54 pm AEST

Re: Can anyone relate?

@chibam wrote:

Just fair warning from someone whose been down that road, the "professionals" don't actually help you with real-life problems such as not having a compatable/fulfilling social circle.

Hey all, just wanted to weigh in here... Whilst professionals can't physically go out and make friends for you, they can certainly help in other areas. Sometimes getting some counselling for social anxiety, or even looking into a life coach for example, can help in building tools and skills that help with interpersonal relationships. It can help in branching out and really finding other people who you feel comfortable to be yourself with. It really just depends on the professional, and the relationship you have with them

In response to: Can anyone relate?

Ally20Casual Contributor29 May 2020, 10:09 pm AEST

Re: Can anyone relate?

@hesokithink Wow......When I read your post I caught myself breathing a shy off relief. Because somebody else feels the way that I do & I am not alone. I am a female in my forties diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. For the past year or so I have been undertaking counselling sessions twice weekly focusing on disorders of the self after a significant episode of illness. I am not in anyway suggesting that you have a disorder of self. However, It may be useful for you as I see similarities in our thoughts & feelings of inadequacy relating to self. It’s called conversational therapy & can continue for up to 3 years if required. I thoroughly recommend it as it provides a safe place to talk about how you are feeling with a professional mental health worker. It’s not a quick fix but nothing worth doing ever is. I really do hope that this has been help for you. I wish you all the best of luck now and in the future. Just remember your worth it 😊

In response to: Can anyone relate?

Jaz1Contributor31 May 2020, 7:22 pm AEST

Re: Can anyone relate?

Sure can relate! To pretty much everything that you said! You sound like a good person, someone who thinks and feels deeply about things. The world needs more people like you.

I reckon you're rich if you have one or two friends, no matter how flakey! Maybe between the three of you, you could organise a get together, but I know what you mean. Even that can be really difficult, and yes, I hate that social pressure too that you always have to be out having fun. I think it's great that you're going to uni soon. Maybe that'll help you to learn more about what interests you.

You're in good company, many will relate to how you feel.

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