I have suffered a death in the family:-(

The beautiful journey of my life as a wife and a mother . By Alyssa Nichole and secretly Ryan (my beautiful man) and Mackenzie (my beautiful 6year old girl) xx much love! At this day in my life I'm am planning a wedding and a baby , a small business and a relocation, and I only just qualified as a cert III hairdresser... So this is pretty massive. Squish this all happening in a 3week time frame, roughly , I have no idea , I've just lost track of the time lately 😞 Wow, big! To much ! I'm trying to give it away in my writing ! U can have it, I don't want it , it's scary. Change is scary at first...<br>Emotions are contagious. Is my title. I've just decided. I'm a pretty good story teller I like to think of myself as I have always charmed my way through life lol . <br>And I tell people stories every single day. I've always been opened minded to all and every knowledge .. Its a big world out there and knowledge Its wisdom right , lol. Ha, I Love it ! <br>Emotions are contagious , And when I'm with Dean I always feel very save and loved, also warm, very warm he has a glow that warms my blood . I've always felt like I'm hot blooded, he's the strong one. . I love him to the moon and back ! Forever and a day ! 💕<br>I have always felt like I am telling people story's and acting everday.. I'm self taught a lot of the time ! Its hard for me to understand things but I always work it out ! <br>I'v learnt my good behaviour by , watching movies , listening to music, (I think singers are angels , little muses sending out warm messages) song help me ! I love music! <br>I also learn and grow with the people in my live! I like to surround myself with strong people ! (Dean) He is the strongest person I have ever meet , and he does pick me up I do not know where I would be to day without him! I just love him ! 💕 He has is my rock ! All the time I need him !!<br>I feel like I need strong people with me all the time , I don't feel save , ever ! <br>I am a hairdresser by trade . I live my life through the eyes of all my dear family, and my much loved family of clients. Emotions are Contagious! <br>I love talking to people, hearing there story's everyday. It's all amazing, the world is a beautiful place filled with so many beautiful people. <br>The nature of the Australian's is one that is so beautiful, we are such a peaceful people. Very family driven , and we love helping people. Serve and protect. Lol .<br>I have just decided to start writing down my thoughts every day , as it is very theropuic .<br>I hope we all enjoy the story that is my life, through the eyes of the world's .<br>I seem to feel for every one , all the time. I think it's a female thing and then you get your very strong kind men, all raised by beautiful woman! Boys just kids, turn into men (some good) then the good ones retire as Gentlemen! <br>The trouble ones , raised by very troubled girls retired monsters , this was there choice ! And some people break ! We need to help fix each other all the time !! Life is hard and is really does suck sometimes 😞 people are scary! I don't trust them :-(<br>Weman I'm still trying to work out , I think we just love to dance and sing ! We need to party it's such a good distraction ! People are hard to understand sometimes. But there is always a reason for the choices we make . It's scary sometimes people screw up . Life's tough , but we always seem to manage in one way shape or form...<br>Weather it be shopping, spending time with our beautiful children, smoking , drinking and drugs. Drugs ... <br>Drugs are weird . Weather it be a head ache , or and emotional pain we always turn to drugs. . Sometimes food to . Food... Food is natural fuel . <br>Drugs are man made from sometimes natural , or man made . Natural drugs/ fuel is healthy. I tuck man made can get dangerous, our body's respond so differently to medication! I see it in peoples hair ! Weird ! <br>You are what you fuel yourself with ! Be careful ! What you put into your body ! It can make or break you !<br>We all handle ourself a differently , make up and hair is my shelled from world , I love it ! It makes me feel strong, and the more time I spend working on my image , the stronger my shelled gets! <br>But it doesn't fool even me 😞 I need help sometimes ... Most of the time lately, it's healthy to talk about it ! I scare myself a lot of the time ! My brain is just to big to handle! help me .<br>I am a really good listener , and I seem to retain people energies and I just realised personality behaviours seem to be contagious now to. What the , is everyone acting? All the time ?? What is real ? What deep dark secrets are out there ? It's so weird . And I don't get it ! I am a was raised like a only child, but I'm am still 3rd born. I think that has something to do with my nature ? I have never idea? It's weird...<br>I'm like a elephant to I never forget anything I build up and bank up all the weight that is everyone's lives , my days Can be very draining some days I can't handle the weight of the world, my clients come to me to talk. And they leave me all there emotions 😞 <br>Every time a person is in my surroundings, I'm constantly watching them and there personalities scare me, I don't trust who I can sense is lying , I don't like liars , people are dangerous. The mind is dangerous! and I want to understand how it works ! <br>People always have story's for me. I love happy memories, I dwell on past events for much to long.. I love love ! Love , It's the best contagious emotion in the whole wide world! <br>We all need love in our lives everyday ! My love is my Dean my beautiful baby girl Mackenzie ! 1st and only born at this point in my life. Dean just had a birthday , he is beautiful, he is like a lucky charm. And he is also my Prince Charming. A True well raised gentleman. Cinderella was always my favourite movie as a child myself . I love all the Disney movies! Life can be a fairy tail because mine is...<br>I like love nurturing and helping people with there emotions, and all I have to do to get them to share with me. I show (act) that I share a common relationship with them and I happy to listen...<br>There is alway a silence where the whole world gets put on pause , for the longest 10 or 20 seconds or my life . When people stop and think . And for some weird reason They open up to me and it is very deep. Sometime dark . I hate those days...<br>I love helping and helping people with there baggage but I take it home with me and it's so hard to hold onto . Unfortunately I bottle it all sometimes and can't control me feelings any more and I lose my nut . I've always felt like I have I screw either to tight or to lose , I have no idea it , hurts my head to be honest. <br>I'm trying writing to , calm my self at the moment the world is screaming /yelling/ crying at me , We going through wars , financial crises, natural disasters. And we've just had a dear lose in the family:-(<br>I just want it all to stop , and I don't know how to help 😞 <br>In the past 3 weeks I've had to grow up very fast and it scars me , change is always scary to people . It's always a shock at first. <br>I've recently taken on the rolls of each a every one in my dear partner and his massive kind family as they all go through this loss and heartache . It's a great destruction, to try and help. But who helps me ? I look so strong , as I love my image , but I'm kinda screaming for help at the same time .... <br>Time helps us to forget terrible things but it doesn't make a difference! I want things to change in a massive scale ! <br>And one day at a time I will understand people and do my best to improve the world I just don't know how yet , I'm still working on that...<br>I just don't know how to help 😞 I try to live my day as if each day was my last , because I am scared all the time ! I'm not strong :-(<br>I never through that happy families were real ! They are , it's true. People love love. . .<br>So there is still hope for people I know it !!! We are strong when we work together and love each other!!!<br>Goodnight I love you weird world xx.<br>Back to drugs , I can't sleep 😞 sorry , this is why my head hurt sometimes, I don't understand the world and I want to ! (plus Dean's is not home yet and it's getting late , and it it dark now) He loves the pokies, maybe that's his form of dealing with the world , I do not know , I don't care I just love him so so much ! <br>And I would just love for him to come home already . Hhmmummm 😞 patience, patience is another word for patience in hospital beds 😞 it's sad . But it's healing , time is healing , but it doesn't make the problem go away . But with time it seems to make us stronger both physically and maybe mentally, I do not know if time heals mental illness:-( <br>Tolerance , patience, We all have different levels of tolerance. I can not wait it, kills me to wait, life is just to short sometimes.... <br>Life each and every single day as if it were your last ! be kind to people, people are so special, I believe we are all fallen stars , and we can all be superstars!!! It's how we choose to go about getting there that can make or break a person .<br>I really do scare myself , I worry people just want to survive, and it's twisted 😞 <br>People lie and act all the time to hide 😞 it's because they are scare 😞 it breaks my heart , I think I've always had a soft and delicate heart.<br>Numbers , I've been thinking about numbers a lot lately and about time and space , and computers they are man mad , very fast and to smart sometimes it's scary . They are awesome when your done thinking for the day. But some people have forgotten how to think or learn for them selfs that's why us hairdressers are here to remind them how , we see the world everyday in our work , and the news, and people always talk about the media! So we can't ever get away from all the madness, and crazyness . <br>We forget the good stuff because all the bad stuff is inhumane , and we don't understand the bad stuff , I'm trying to 😞 <br>Computers are smart, as I'm typing on my iPhone who's to know someone is out the reading this , my mind is scary . I love computers, but I don't always trust them either. I don't know if it's save for people to here what I have to say sometimes ...<br>Clients sometimes leave my salon confused, and it's gives them a head ache . Maybe. I don't know , I have one now I think 😞 <br>Where is Dean ? 😞 it is 12 and I can't sleep sound until he is home save 😞 and I have to work tomorrow's :-(<br>I'm not , ready work is hard , and I've been have heaps of panic Attucks lately , just freaking out 😞 I feel dizzy sometimes to and get sweetly and shaky I hope I'm pregnant and there is a reason as to my freak outs please I need some justification? To except why this is happening to me ??<br>I feel like I'm being punished every day I just don't know what I've don't wrong ? I don't know how to heel , drugs, I love drugs, mostly natural I think is safe . Vitamins, weed it's all good. Maybe who says ? Who knows? Man made drugs destroy people, all drugs destroy people but drugs / addictions are every where . Pokies is a gambling addiction and money doesn't bye happiness . Money drives people to do twisted things :-(<br>At the end of the day the choices u make on how you spend your money, entertainers are stars! Some beautiful soles out there hero's!!<br>Then there , they are rich and still there are some very evil famous people out there, famous for terrible horrible things , these people are still entertainers ! They always get there last 5minutes of fame because they we're born to entertain 😞 It is so sad and tragic sometimes 😞 money doesn't even help these people! they are the Monster, I worry I will turn into a monster one day , it scares me...<br>I just know people will crush who ever gets in the way for there own survival. It's sad. Lies all lies... all acts , survival of the fittest...<br>I would like to be fit ! Strong, I just need time and energy, it's winter , moral is down 😞 and so very cold 😞 I'm hot blooded . Very driven and strong... Maybe sometimes... I really don't know what I am . <br>I am tired , sleep , fuel , needed! To drive , I love driving it's great! Something about singing really loud and dumb like , child like , like even if people are looking , it really doesn't bother me because you are just feeling save , for once it's great , I love music, my little muses send me messages all the time , singers are one of my heroes! They always send out such kind messages through the form of there talent! <br>But comes great responsibility's they need to help people to ! Born little stars ! It's what they choose to do with there art and acting that reflect good behaviour! Money's, money to them some of them still make poor choices and still end up with bills and duets , and addictions... And drug additions we' all think they should be great full , that they are rich right ? But no , they are still people , and they do fuck up . But The whole world judges them... <br>How scary would it be to fuck up in the eyes of the media! Very scary :-(<br>People need to see the world in all situations to understand and stop being scared ! Everyone is scared and I hate it ! I'm scared everyday 😞 We all usually want the same thing "to be save and loved" <br>I think I wanna do privet Investigations, help people understand people , but I still don't think I ever will every understand people, :-(<br>Computers scare people to ! So they should they are smarter than us but the don't have hearts , I feel like computers advance to quickly , and they do because man made them and we are smart !!! To smart sometimes!<br>I think that's why I sometimes scare people, people do not expect me to sound this wise , looking at the little man, no one thinks they can do it ! We can ! we're stronger because we remember to always think for ourselves! <br>Computers are probably going to be the death of us ! To much access to to much information is very dangerous! It's to easy for people to google things and get twisted ideas :-(<br>And someone out there is alway spying one you . <br>Computers gather data , but people annualise it. And use it for power if they may . Power is dangerous! <br>"Stars and Heros" . <br>"Monsters and ghost "... Words are great I translate words differently<br>"Sky and Gods" ... <br>"Dragons and Sprits!" <br>Word are strong, they can make or break u , as you Choose what do with your words. Just be peaceful ! It is easier!!!<br>Well that is heaps to think about , you've probably heard enough for tonight...<br>I have many more stories to come I'm am so old , I'm 25. I miss a would without knowing everything that I know now . A childs innocence! I miss feeling save (child like) and I just want to dance and scream like I don't care who's watching ...<br>I love you dearly world please cheer up soon . I miss my happy places night night xx<br>Close ended questions should alway get fast answers ! I need to get fast answers when it comes to hair , time is a issue in my industry! And I'm always on Alert! <br>I love fast answers , it shocks me when people have to think about things because I usually don't know why they are thinking . and I am expected to know what you're answer is going to be . when it comes down to your hair people like me for some reason ( I think it's because I listen ) and I here what you are saying without you having to say it ! I know hair! hair is classic I love hair that's easy now ! <br>It's people I don't understand:-( when I guess the wrong answer in my head , you've then lost me, I want to understand why ? Why was I wrong ? What is there that I don't know about you? What puzzle peace am I missing ? And this was is why I feel like , one day my voice might be loud enough for me to scream at people ! And just let them ! I know everyone is scared of something! We all want to survive!! <br>Be rich with love ! And people break sometimes, we are far from perfect sometimes. We all need a little help from a star / muse to save them , help us heal and trust and learn and grow together ! ! Goodnight ! I mean it this time... Sorry, Night night love you xx (Come home Dean!) please ! I'm just waiting in the shed , I like the shed its where I rest and just sit ! I spend most of my day on my feet and I love it. I don't get to sit a lot. But now when I sit from now on I will be writing, still trying to understand the would, trying to help. <br>And I need to figure it out! if I don't put it in words I forget lol. (My charming prince needs to come home soon) they do close at some stage, the pokies , he was or is scared of me maybe? I don't know ? so hopefully not for to much longer! Xx I'm very very tried . And I do love him ! Forever and a day ! 💕xx<br>I be just had another break down episode, I've been so angry for so long , it's sad 😞 it's also winter and very cold :-(<br>We are moving to the beach soon yay. so I'm glad ! At least when I feel cold, it's because of the ocean view and that is a beautiful thing !when the wind is cold on a sunny day , it's still cold but but looking at the sun shine down on the ocean warms you up so quickly!<br>Kids are sweet we have a beautiful little 6 year old girl and I would not change her in any way ! She is perfect! <br>People are always sometimes either happy, sad, or confused 😞 when I'm around:-(<br>I don't get it ...<br>But I always figure it out in the end , there is always a reason...<br>It's out side the box thinking that's for sure , my mind is a very mysterious place . I'm happy to share my thoughts all the time ! I don't know if people around me personally understand what I'm saying at the time (sometimes I stumble with my words) but my message is understood eventually. It all kinda works it's self out with time xx<br><br>Thank you for listening xx

Hi @PrincessJasmine,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story,

and itt was great that you changed all the names to protect their your/privacy

I was wondering though, you said in your first post that you needed help? is it that you really want feedback on your story which you have obviously put a great deal of effort into writing? or is it something else, it sounded like you had a specific question concern, can you clarify?

Oh no sorry , I just wanted to be heard for once , I always listen . But a lot of the time people cut me off before I finish saying what ever it is I need to say , no one can shut me up any more thank you for reading xx my partner wanted me to see a doctor but I'm a bit shy is all . And I thought this was a better way for me to get help.

I feel better already... Thank you

I love you you are so sweet , you need to go see your hairdresser!! Xx
Thank you

Hey @Fancy_Pants do you think I need help ??