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New and feel alone

CL01Casual Contributor15 July 2016, 3:19 pm AEST

New and feel alone

Hi,

I came across this organisation while watching TV for the first time in about two weeks. I took it as a sign to reach out as I have been searching for somewhere that doesn’t just support the younger generation. I like to view my story as one of triumph as I have journeyed through life suffering from severe depression, anxiety, bulimia and anorexia, self harm and suicidal ideation. It took a lot of my own strength to find my place in the world and overcome many of the troubles I had. While I still have to continuously work hard to not slip back into old patterns I have managed to live a fairly steady life for last 18-24 months.

My newest struggle; which I didn’t realise has been the cause of my recent troubles; is feeling alone. While I went through my ‘down time’ as I like to call it, I lost a lot of people who called themselves my friend as well as a lot of family. I had the support of my cousin who helped me through many difficult times and I am still very close to her now, but losing the people who claimed to love me has been very difficult.

I grew up with little to no affection and it’s all I have ever craved. I have always had many friends around me filling the gaps I needed at the time and always thought these people were my true friends. Now I am lucky to say most of those people have slowly shown me their true colours and I have found that I have very few people left in my life. I say that I am lucky because I don’t want fake people in my life. I am a very genuine person and care deeply for those in my life so I don’t want to give my time to those who aren’t honestly there for me.

My recent struggles have seen me work myself up into panic attacks which are new for me; even though I have had issues with anxiety before, it was never to this extent. I fear that I am going to be alone in this world forever. I want nothing more than to find a companion and settle down and start my own family. This in itself is already a challenge as I am gay and I find it very hard to meet others who are genuine and want to get to know me.

My work life is very busy, but that is only because I have nothing else to fill my time with or that makes me feel connected to the world. I spend a lot of time fantasising about a better life but then contradict my own thoughts and make myself get worked up in the reality of living a lonely life. I have tried joining local social groups and staying connected to the people still in my life but I am not satisfied within myself and always go home feeling alone. This never used to be a big issue for me as most of my life has consisted of me doing things for myself and building my life on my own without support. But now I crave affection, something I have lived without for so long, and I don’t want to slip back down the path of isolating myself and sinking into depression again.

I’m not even sure what I want out of posting this, all I know is that I feel so alone in this world lately and it’s getting the better of me. I have gone from having a lot of people in my life to having very few and have been ok with this up until recently. Sometimes I feel like my issues aren’t worthy of expressing because there are many people out there that have bigger problems than me; I do also know, however, that feeling alone and disconnected can lead to bigger issues as well. I have spent so much time alone figuring out who I am and what I need and want in life but now I come to a point of not knowing how to get those things I need and want. It causes me a lot of stress and anxiety thinking about living my life alone forever. I have been my own support for so long now that all I want is for someone else to be there for me too.

I am grateful that my journey has taught me to be alone to find out who I am and to find my own resources to survive, but it is getting very tiring now. I have secured myself a good paying job, a roof over my head, have been able to get my dog back (who is really my fur child) and I finally have success in these areas of my life but it’s a very lonely life. I’m not sure I have really articulated what I wanted to say accurately, but it’s a start to reconnect to the world, even if it is via a keyboard. I appreciate that this organisation exists and the all people who are here to listen and offer support. I guess what I want out of this is to feel connected again and even though it took me many rewrites and a few days to actually post something, I glad I have now. Thank you for reading.

9 replies

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In response to: New and feel alone

Unknown userMember15 July 2016, 4:09 pm AEST

Re: New and feel alone

Hi @CL01,

Welcome to the Forums and thanks so much for your post.

We're really glad that you have found us and have had the courage to reach out. I feel like you've so well articulated an experience so many of us have had, and I think you're really on the right path in posting here and trying to reconnect.

Hopefully this can be a place where you don't have to feel alone anymore.

Thanks for posting and hope to 'see' you around soon.

All the best,
supernova.

In response to: New and feel alone

CL01Casual Contributor15 July 2016, 4:24 pm AEST

Re: New and feel alone

Thank you for your response. I too hope I can feel connected again and not so alone. I have become more aware of my needs and know this will be a safe place to express myself.

In response to: Re: New and feel alone

Crazy_Bug_LadySenior Contributor15 July 2016, 4:33 pm AEST

Re: New and feel alone

Hi @CL01 glad you found SANE. There's heaps of different discussions going on, so there's always someone here to chat to. There's the Night Shift (hoping the link works) and later today we'll start up The Weekly Friday Feast which I love, it's a great chance to met others and sit around the virtual dinner table and share in our feast.

In response to: New and feel alone

utopiaSenior Contributor15 July 2016, 10:51 pm AEST

Re: New and feel alone

Welcome @CL01. Glad that you have found this site.
Yes it can be lonely when you have a MI. People who have not experienced MI find it hard to relate to our experiences. I agree it's good to get rid of 'pretend' friends. Gives you more energy for yourself and true friends.
Do you have any interests where you may be able to join a group / club. Reading, sport, craft, music.
I think as I get older (mid 40's), it's harder to make true friends. But not impossible.
I wish you luck and hope others on this site will contribute to your discussion.

In response to: New and feel alone

pleasebegentleCasual Contributor16 July 2016, 4:20 pm AEST

Re: New and feel alone

I am going thru now what you have. So i truly understand that you have expressed. At the moment i have alot of fear of not knowing and understanding the right direction to now take. Trying to find someone to help me now is the next step im taking as i can now be honest and say i need help.

In response to: Re: New and feel alone

mattpaullambCasual Contributor16 July 2016, 6:50 pm AEST

Re: New and feel alone

Hi new and alone. So sorry you are struggling. I have struggled with lonelieness too and like you I found when I was hospitalised for depression that most of my friends fled the scene. Luckily I have close family, a good friend I share my house with and a couple of close friends who stood by me. I am over the worst now and I know it's a cliche but if you hang in there you will find your feelings change - either from within without even trying or by making external changes. If you are too tired or feeling hopeless about making changes that's perfectly normal. There is nothing worse than being told you should do something you don;t want to do. I would hope though that you have a good specialist or counsellor to talk to because in my experience spending lost of time alone with just my negaive thoughts going round and round in my head was very unhealthy and it was very difficult for me to get out of this state - talking it out, even over the phone is better than holding it in. I suspect everyone feels loneliness, even people who are socially active and appear to have lots of friends. It's just that people who identify as suffering mental illness and depression are more likely to articluate their loneliness to themselves and others.

In response to: Re: New and feel alone

AppleblossomSenior Contributor16 July 2016, 7:14 pm AEST

Re: New and feel alone

Hello @CL01 your original post was clear and articulate.

It is a confusing chaotic world and if we are honest everybody needs help and advice sorting out their priorities from time to time.

I hope chats on the forum help clarify things for you, in some ways that can be better that one person having too much power in our lives .. though of course their are benefits with one to one counselling as well.

It helps me cope with loneliness to adopt the role of a loner ... solitude is different and better than loneliness ... and I seek out others to break my isolation.

Cheers

In response to: New and feel alone

pleasebegentleCasual Contributor16 July 2016, 7:21 pm AEST

Re: New and feel alone

Thanks heaps it means alot to hear these things and know its normal and others experience similar things too.

In response to: New and feel alone

CL01Casual Contributor16 July 2016, 9:51 pm AEST

Re: New and feel alone

Thanks to all contributing to my post. It has made me feel connected again. I do a lot of journaling and don't often express my feelings and thoughts to others. I know I need to work on not isolating myself, it's a catch twenty two; feel alone but fear to reach out. I'm happy to have had all your responses, it will keep me taking those next few steps to stay connected and even contribute to other forums.
In response to some of the questions you have asked; regarding hobbies, I used to play a lot of sport and loved it however due to injury I can no longer do the things I used to do. It is hard to find a hobby, I have broad interests but nothing in particular.
Regarding having a counsellor, I don't have a specific assigned counsellor however I did my diploma in counselling and have a few classmates that I talk to from time to time. I recommend anyone who wants to take the path of some self discovery look at the course. I don't practice counselling in a professional sense but it was a great course for my own personal growth.

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