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Retroactive jealousy

WoodsyCasual Contributor12 May 2020, 7:11 am AEST

Retroactive jealousy

Hi guys/girls, Im currently suffering from retroactive jealousy and need urgent help to overcome it. For yous that don’t know what it is it’s basically being jealous about your partners sexual past.

I’ve been with my partner now for nearly 3 years. We are both 23 now and have a child together. When we first got together she told me who she had been with in the past ( all of them I know) except for one person she said I wouldn’t know. At first it didn’t bother me until stupidly I made her tell me who the last person was which turns out that I know him. All of these guys I know, two of them I use to be good mates with. Ever since then it clicked something in my brain and I have been living in hell. Everyday from when I wake up to when I go to sleep her sexual past is mostly all I think about. I imagine her having sex with these guys even when we are having sex. This jealousy has made me do some stupid things including self harm. It makes me depressed, anxious and angry and it is ruining my relationship. I’ve been to counsellors and tried a couple of other things but nothing has worked. I just can’t seem to get it out of my mind.

Has anyone else had the same experiences or any ideas of how to get over it ? Any help would be much appreciated. Thank you

6 replies

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In response to: Retroactive jealousy

GwynnSenior Contributor12 May 2020, 11:57 am AEST

Re: Retroactive jealousy

You can't change the past, hers or yours. You in the present have all the power over what happens to future you, and future her and future kiddo, all of whom you must consider and be kind to. What kind of self-talk do you have around your partner's sexual past?

In response to: Re: Retroactive jealousy

WoodsyCasual Contributor12 May 2020, 12:18 pm AEST

Re: Retroactive jealousy

Yeah I’m aware of that but I just can’t get my head around it. I’ve been dealing with it for nearly 2 years now. A lot of the facts just disgust me unfortuently. Like that they were all older than her and the people she chose. I know it’s weird but I hate knowing that she remembers them all (as she has mentioned) and that she probably remembers how big there package was and what it looks like etc. Also I’m worried that the guys remember what she was like. It just kills me and makes me upset knowing that the love of my life has been with other guys. I know it’s stupid and shouldn’t worry about it but I just can’t get over it

In response to: Re: Retroactive jealousy

Unknown userMember12 May 2020, 12:53 pm AEST

Re: Retroactive jealousy

Hey @Woodsy it sounds like these thoughts about her past sexual experiences are really intrusive and having a real impact on you and your relationship. It's great you're reaching out here, would you consider seeing a counsellor or psychologist again?

In response to: Re: Retroactive jealousy

WoodsyCasual Contributor12 May 2020, 1:11 pm AEST

Re: Retroactive jealousy

Yeh I’m going to have too I guess. I’m just sick of paying for them. They just kept saying give up the alcohol which I relied on everyday to try and relax me. I’ve given it up now but nothing’s changed

In response to: Re: Retroactive jealousy

GwynnSenior Contributor12 May 2020, 1:29 pm AEST

Re: Retroactive jealousy

What other ways do you try to relax, besides sex? Can you take up woodworking or another hobby?

In response to: Retroactive jealousy

PrillaNew Contributor12 May 2020, 1:29 pm AEST

Re: Retroactive jealousy

Hiya Woodsy.

Thankyou for sharing your experience.

I would suggest trying to accept your partners past a bit more openly. I dont know the situation well , and you dont have to take my opinion on if it doesnt feel true to you, but what I suggest is that there is part of you that doesn't want to accept your current partners PAST sexual history. (Highlighting past ).

Meet reality, with reality.

Ultimately, your partner has decided to have a baby with you, which means there is some part of her, which is willing to invest into you.

Not her PAST sexual partners. (Highlighting past again )

Hold a space for a sense of appreciation for what you have right NOW. Not what the past was. Let that stay in the past where it belongs.

In order to move on with it, meet it with the least amount of resistance.

Try and love from a space with no conditions. This can be tricky.

It is what it is, and what will be, will always be.

Counsellors, psychologist and other therapy are all very good solutions to help.

Take what resonates, disgaurd the rest.

You can overcome this and heal.

Keep it peaceful.

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