Career Chat // Personality types and behaviour in the workplace // Friday, 8 July

Hi @NikNik

I am struggling at the moment in my workplace. A co-worker is a friend of mine and she overtakes me all the time. She will but in a conversation and try to sort it out when I can clearly sort it out; she will tell me what to do with certain things when I know how to do them.

I suffer from BPD, depression and anxiety and struggle so much with letting people know how I feel about something.

For eg. last week I was really down, had a migraine all week and went back to work on Friday. While at work I was commenting on all the crap that I had to fix (because I had two days off work sick) and my so called friend came up to me, put her arm on my shoulder and said 'gee you are so negative, i don't want to hear anymore negative stuff coming from you, i want to hear positives all afternoon". Well that set me up to be angry, really angry, emotional towards her.

I walked off and didn't say much to her for the rest of the day. It didn't really hit me until the weekend and I was brewing over her comments thinking how dare she say that to me; she has no idea what it's like to have BPD where your emotions go from high to low to suicidal thoughts.

So I struggle at work, yes everyone's personalities are differerent. So how do we cope?

Good morning and welcome to today's forum topic about personalities at work and how to cope

... thanks @NikNik for your intro and @Former-Member and @BlueBay for already contributing! I agree it's a big important topic and hopefully through sharing and discovering some strategies today we'll answer some questions ... And maybe ask new ones.

To begin to understand the complexities of others we always have to start by looking at ourselves ... after all the triggers we feel as a result of interacting with others are often more about the issues we bury in ourselves (the shadow effect Jung called it).

If we're going to begin a journey of understanding personalities then an understanding of our own and a full acceptance of it is fundamental ... Remember the parts you don't accept are going to be shown to you by others, but more about that later.

So how do you discover your personality type and what can you do to more fully accept yourself and that way more fully accept others?

An example to illustrate ... One of my sons recently complained about a lady at work who gets under his skin. She tells him what to do when he knows exactly what he's doing ... She asserts her supervisor status on him all the time, when he (as he claims) doesn't need supervision!! (At this point he gets a very angry face).

Now on the surface you would say that his supervisor has issues! How dare she treat him like a lowly novice when he's been there 5 years and knows *snarls* more than she does!!??

Ahhh .... These are the times when it 's not much fun having a mum who knows you very well ... I didn't side with him

When he finished talking I asked him whether, in his past, he has ever been told off for not doing things properly- he says yeah, all the time as he used to be quite a 'half job' kind of person .... I asked him if she reminded him of that time, he acknowledged, yes. I suggested maybe he was being triggered by her as her rankling reminded him of a time when he was younger and getting told off a lot ...

I suggested he wasn't so much mad at her (although she was totally triggering him and he wassss mad at her) but at himself ( and his parents) for making him feel 'not good enough' in the past.

After thinking on it a while he agreed she did trigger him and we talked about her personality and maybe the way HE might be triggering HER in some way (is she feeling 'not good enough' or threatened herself because he's younger and so capable?) Maybe.

The point is, the first step is to know yourself ... Take a behaviour and personally test, ask others, journal, revisit your past, look at the people who really trigger you, they hold the key to understanding yourself better.

@BlueBay when you have a mental illness it's no different but it is more complex, we'll visit your story next if you like

If we look at your scenario @BlueBay I would suggest to ask yourself these questions ...

Has my mental illness been fully accepted in my life by those around me ... especially family?

.. or at some point was I told to just 'deal with it' ... and you tried but you couldn't because it was too much and somewhere inside a little part of you began to feel 'not good enough' ...

If so, your personality has had to adjust over time to become highly triggered when people won't just allow you to 'express' how you feel ... People who seek to tell you to 'buck up' and see the positive side hurt and affect you ... In this case your shadow side incorporates that rejected part of you and when it gets triggered it hurts!

Conversely is she unable to hear negativity because it triggers some deeper part in her? Most likely ... And you interpret her telling you to 'be positive' as her actually trying to 'make you good enough' which of course triggers you and makes you feel awful...

Now I don't know if any of that applies however it's worth exploring to rule out.

... The whole thing may be entirely different ... What do you think @BlueBay?

In a course that we run for people looking for work we do a quiz where we assign a colour to each behaviour type (red, yellow, green and blue) figure out which colour/s we most resemble and then discuss how each colour clashes or gets along and further more how each colour can get along despite perceived clashes.

So here goes ... By the way we have all colours in us, it's just that we have ONE/TWO main drivers ...

Red people are direct and straightforward, your 'boss type', they are blunt and easily irritated. On a bad day their behaviour is acidic, they will snap and either be aggressive or passive aggressive or flip from one to the other.

They don't like working in a place with slow people and which is predictable or to have people telling them what to do and hell and They don't enjoy inflexible arrangements in the workplace

Red ... On a bad day ... Don't like small talk much, they like the bottom line and things their way, they have have to go their way or the highway! They can be tough domineering impatient and pushy.

Yellow behaviour types are social, optimistic, sensitive, emotional, love to be liked and appreciated. They are the front person at a company, people like talking to them.

They don't like working alone and they will hold back when projecting great emotion.

Yellow, on a bad day is sulky and ... easily put off and ungrounded. They are disorganised undisciplined excitable and reactive.

Green people are figures focused, they like reality and process, conscientious effort position accuracy critical approach and solving problems they are friendly and have sensitivity in dealing with others and also logical analysis .

But they don't like to work alone without an authority or all 'change' and they don't like to have to do too many things and try out too many new ideas .

On a bad day they're likely to stew on things and be awkward, they aren't sure of themselves and may seek to control situations to get some stability back.

Blue people ... Like steadiness to complete results, have patience and concentration and finishing assignments and they like finishing assignments alone.

... but they don't like making decisions alone without consulting or developing new and different activities. They don't like to move around looking to make changes, they're orderly, persistent, perfectionist and need lots of information.

On a bad day ... Blue people are judgmental, picky and will need more information to make decisions than usual and could be critical

Have a guess at which behaviour types clash the most?!

Hi @Former-Member thanks for stopping by, what is it about introverted people that you don't like?

Following on from our behaviour type colour quiz ... have you figured out which are more likely to clash???

Here are some ways to handle each behaviour type in a work situation

Red behaviour type people - when dealing with them:

Do - be clear, specific and brief, stick to business, little to no small talk, ask specific questions, give facts and figures and when you're done speaking - leave! Hehe

but please remember it's not personal ... red behaviour is borne out of many years of a particular upbringing coupled with a natural propensity and the day to day interactions of the person in their life ... not that they should be excused because any impolite or inappropriate behaviour should be called out, but in a work situation if they're your boss ... oftentimes you can't call them out (even though you rrealllly want to )

Instead, can you try to be informed about 'red' personality type and proceed with these ...

Don'ts - On a bad day red types can be unyielding ... when approaching them don't ramble, don't waste their precious time, don't leave loopholes when you're asked to complete something.

If you disagree go ahead and state why using the above methodology but don't make it personal. These people don't take orders well ... so ... facts and figures that lead to an alternative course of action will be better than a direct order.

Yellow behaviour type people at work ...

Do: Yellow behaviour people are going to want to enjoy being at the place they work they like working in teams. Do plan supportive activities with them as they like to socialise and be friendly, they like to chat about yours and their life and they seek support in regards to their goals, dreams and ideas. When communicating put things in writing they like you to be specific and like to make sure they can do their job properly.

They give great support to others and need support as well, when they do something well offer a reward or recognition.

Don'ts - On a bad day yellow people who are usually friendly, can be put out - so, don't forget to ask them how they are and allow them to express, don't put their feelings down or minimise them.

These people enjoy casual, warm relationships at work and approval from others when this is not provided and they're having a bad day, they will react emotionally.don't. At any given time don't make rules without asking their opinion, don't be too rigid and don't ask them to do things that are only task oriented make it about people and including others.

Green behaviour type people ...

Do: These guys are approachable so go ahead and approach in a straight forward and direct way, support their decisions and their decision making abilities, be accurate and realistic don't over promise, give deadlines but not unreasonable ones. Give pros and cons to a situation and make schedules for them.

Don't: Don't be disorganised with Green behaviour types! Don't be over friendly it doesn't sit well with them. They don't appreciate vague or false promises and don't push too hard or they won't work well.

These guys like jobs that have KPI's and to know their territories, no surprises for them. they like time to achieve excellence in their work and have capacity to achieve. They are private and autonomous but enjoy networking too, they want assurance that their decisions have no risk attached so they seek out information to control this risk.

Blue behaviour type people ...

Do: Be personable and break the ice with them they like it, show sincere interest and be patient and non threatening, speak casually and softly and assure them that their decisions will not carry great risk they like to bounce ideas off others. Give personal assurances that make them sure they're on the right track to benefit.

Don't: Don't rush the blue behaviour type person, they don't like to be forced to respond quickly either, they don't appreciate abrupt behaviour or being pushed or anyone usurping them and speaking on their behalf.

These guys enjoy and jobs that offer security, a happy balance between work and home life. they appreciate sincerity and boundaries at work. Lots of time to adjust as well

They are interested in opportunities to become specialists at what they do and don't like fuss but do appreciate recognition for what they do. Sincerity is important to them.

Wow, so there you have some behaviour types and do's and don'ts when dealing with them ... remember that we have all 4 in us and only one or two dominant ones which mainly come out when we're having a bad day.

Which is why this information when delivered within the group, is very well received.

We do the quiz to discover what behaviour type(s) we may be, then we compare our colour to the potential colour of people who we have most clashes with at work.

Participants often discover that the clashes are likely caused by the way one behaviour type interacts with another ...

Can you work out which colours are more likely to clash?

Red rushes along when they're stressed ... and if Blue is stressed too they feel pushed, harried and Red may come across as abrupt!

Yes Blue and Red may clash on a bad day ...

Equally, Green prefers organisation and dislikes over friendliness when they're stressing out about something ... yes Yellow when they're having a bad day could be a bit emotional and may appear disorganised and wanting approval (not all the time but on a bad day!) ... these two therefore may clash

Do any of these resonate for you?

In regards to @Former-Member's comment about different cultures, we can absolutely see that some cultures may tend to be more of one colour behaviour type than others ... remembering that nature as well as nurture influences our behaviour ... so their behviour could be very ingrained! And exposure to other 'colour types' may be limited due to their culture so again, clashes arise.

It all comes back to knowing yourself ... if you can identify what you're like on a 'bad day' and what you are like when you are being triggered by others ... you can own the behaviour in yourself and seek to look at it another way or underestand with more depth what's going on (you're having a bad day ... they're a Red type ... so so don't take it personally?) ...

I'm not saying it's easy but it's worth being more conscious, I think.

I'm a combo yellow/blue btw

A recent study into workplace bullying showed that in fact it's not so much the bully's personality which was the cause but their behaviour when stressed turned out to be the antecedent to an attack on another worker or to ongoing victimisation.

As we know and has been widely experienced and reported, victims suffer a great deal and some go on to develop PTSD without ever being able to return to work successfully.

So studies like these are hugely important if we are to get our workplaces right.

Remembering that no behaviour that is offensive or victimising can in any way be tolerated in the workplace, the use of colours to identify behaviour (previous post) is merely a tool for helping you cope with the variety of people with whom you may clash with at work ... That is by noticing the dos and don'ts of both your and their behaviour...

but in no way is it ever an excuse!

The implications for the research are that if we can teach people how to de-stress in the workplace, teach them how to develop higher EQ as well, then their stressed out state/feeling doesn't necessarily have to impact on others !

Have you experienced this in your workplace? Would you agree the 'bully' isn't handling stress well or is it just their 'personality'?

Personality types are often talked about and have been measured in different ways and although I think it helps to identify them (introvert, extrovert etc) in the workplace they are significant in that they can trigger our sensitivity towards our own shadow.

For example @Former-Member you mentioned you hate introverts ... Well hatred is a big emotion! Which by all means you're entitled to have!

So I wonder why such a big emotional response to a group of people ? Is it because they're hard to understand since they aren't as outwardly demonstrative as you? or is it that they have to be coached a lot because they appear to lack confidence? Something else?

The response you give says a lot about where you're at ... And if you are to get along at work (you don't have to like them ) you have to at least accept that there's something about them that you don't like because it reflects some part of yourself that you haven't accepted.

maybe introverted people were frowned on in your life, maybe it wasn't allowed! Had a bad experience with one ?? I dunno. Could be so many things . But ... Whatever the antecedent cause may be it's always in your shadow.

That's why they trigger you ... !! And once you accept that actually their introversion is reflecting a part of you that you don't 'accept' yet (or never will!! Haha) then it's easier to have compassion.

Since, like you they are flawed, and like you they just want to be accepted for who they are.

Woah that was philosophical!!!

And certainly take it or leave it but it has to be said that introverts aren't doing their thing to annoy you!!! even though it may seem that way.

At work getting along sometimes means turning a blind eye, ignoring, re-focusing or speaking to a manager to have things sorted out. Nobody's behaviour should be excused away ... but as was explored in the beginning, what are you contributing to the scenario? How well do you know yourself?

What are your triggers? Answer this for yourself and when you know, you can do something about them and therefore avoid all those PERSONAL REACTIONS (which btw can be stressful!)

and instead provide a RESPONSE with a deeper understanding of both yourself and the other person.

As an example...

And going back to @BlueBay and the incident with her co worker.

What if at that moment @BlueBay could have noticed herself being triggered by this person who wants her to be positive and just 'pull herself together' perhaps because they themselves are being triggered by @BlueBay's emotional state ...

What if she could have said "yes I understand my negativity isn't sitting well with you but sometimes I just need to express that I really am not coping I acknowledge that maybe you're the wrong person to express it to."

And leave it at that.

By standing up for herself she could have felt empowered and the other person could have gained a deeper understanding of @BlueBay's pain. The sad part for @BlueBay however I think was the betrayal since this person was supposed to be a friend...

yet workplace friends are hard to find ...

truth is ...

The workplace is a contrived environment - we are all thrown in together to work for this other 'thing' (the company) whilst we try to remain true to ourselves surrounded by many people who really, outside of work we just wouldn't even give the time of day to!!

Well we've come to the end of today's forum time but please leave comments and I'll try to reply -

Thanks to your contributions from @TAWNE, @Former-Member and @BlueBay would have loved to have heard more but I know you gotta work!!

CareerChat will be back next week, same time and place.

... Enjoy your weekend and stay safe