Centrelink and the Great Waiting Game

Everything falls apart once a fortnight, when I call the magic 13number to report what I haven't earned over the fortnight.
The fun actually started in February, after a trip to the doctors left me in possession of several scripts and a medical certificate, a physical injury sparked up some usually manageable anxiety and depressive psychotic tendencies. I took this certificate to my local centrelink agent, not an office, an agent. One of the joys of living rural is that you aren't deserving of actual facilities because "distance" or whatever. So a staff member faxes a copy (because they don't have access to the computer systems) and places the original in an envelope for express delivery to the nearest office. I'm told it'll be submitted and I'll get my healthcare card soon. That was the last anyone saw of that certificate. Neither copies managed to get lodged, my hcc never arrived (we get mail twice a week so things take longer, snail mail!). Next fortnight, no word from the government, no money in my account, I get on the phone. After an hour or so on hold and a two minute conversation, I'm cut off, broke and stuck out in the bush. Apparently you still need to report when they don't give you a job network provider, but literally told me to my face not to look for work. Top job. I'll just wait it out until I can magically teleport the 70kms to the doctors then a further 90kms in top of that to hand deliver a second certificate (that isn't bulk billed because I don't have a hcc, and I have no money to pay for because centrelink cut me off) to the 3 hours drive centrelink office myself. I don't drive, I can't. I had no money. Thank goodness for understanding neighbours, who appreciate my somewhat underwhelming culinary skills.

Between then and now, I've lodged another couple of med certs and have another due in next fortnight. I've also been reporting via the mygov site, that requires an sms to be received, so I'd organise a lift into town, report my zero dollars, turn around and navigate the hour drive home.
Obviously not an ideal fortnightly expedition since I can't even get groceries until the next day, so I thought why not just call them.
Worst. Idea. Ever.
Sometimes it goes real smooth and I get to talk to an operator straight away, not today.
Today I was feeling really positive, I started a movie and paused it thinking that it wouldn't take too long. I called, it was engaged. Tried again, engaged. Once more, same again. I called a second number that I knew was for reporting. It asked for my CRN all good, tells me about voice recognition, all good, please enter your pin or say you don't have one...
I don't have one.
"Ok, tell me your CRN?...Have you heard about voice recognition? Please enter your pin or say you don't have one...."
I don't have one
"Ok, I just need to check your CRN is it this...? Yes? Please enter your pin or say you don't have one..."
Operator.
"Sorry I didn't..."
Operator.
On hold for 17 mins, a man answers, you want to report? Ahhh, wrong department, let me transfer you..."
The clock on the landline phone tells me I've had the receiver against my ear for 91 minutes and 09 seconds by the time a lady answers. She asks me some questions and gives me a pin, to put me back through to the machine that asked for my CRN, which I repeat, it asks for a pin which I input. It tells me no. Gives me another try so I speak my pin rather than using the key pad, no. On my third try which instead of using a pin I tried operator again. The machine terminated the call. I'd been on the line for 107 minutes and 48 seconds.
I haven't had a panic attack like the one that followed the termination of that call. I collapsed and banged my head. I even had to do groaning, and even though it makes me feel better at the time, I know that people judge me if they find out, so I try not to groan or rock too much.
Anyway, there is basically no internet here (the strength is so weak it cuts out and messes with the government site, it doesn't load youtube at all and there is time for a cuppa waiting for a FB pic), no mobile and I don't have a ride to the centrelink agency, so I just had to call again, or no food for me this fortnight.
6 mins 31 seconds down and I was hanging up the phone. Where was this life saving operator two hours ago? Where was anyone with compassion two hours ago?
I don't know how to express to them the wonderful uniqueness of my situation, or if they'd even give two shakes if I could.
Thank you for reading my rambling rant.