Reaching Out

@saltandpepper Hi saltandpepper and welcome to the forums :). I think many of us are suffering at the moment due to the restrictions etc that we are all enduring. You would definitely not be alone. I have schizoaffective disorder so am on mood stabilizers as I tend to go manic lol with certain triggers ..... although in saying that not being able to see my psychiatrist face to face the other day sent me in a tail spin in the opposite direction. Anyway I am here atm if you want to talk about anything :)greenpea

Thank you for responding @Bunniekins and thanks for the welcome. I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment as well, not being able to have access to your psychiatrist in person would be very difficult, I imagine.

Personally, I haven't faced a whole lot of changes with everything that's been going on in the world, well, I guess I have, but it hasn't bothered me so much.

I decided to reach out here for a bit of support, my depression can become quite consuming, and it's weighing heavily on me at the moment. I tend to go through periods where it gets quite bad, yesterday was probably a bad day, I guess. Just not being able to get out of bed. Wondering if it's OK to let go. When I get into these states, I find it very easy to convince myself it would be easier, better, to let go. Thought I might need a bit of extra support right now, so yeah, here I am. Thanks for responding, it means a lot.

@saltandpepper you are definitely not alone I will tag @outlander and @Shaz51 into the conversation they are both lovely people who will help you guide your way through the forums. I am sorry you had a really tough time yesterday :(. Is there a favourite movie that you would like to watch or book that you would like to read? even going for a walk around the block for some exercise could life your spirits even just a little bit.

Thanks @Bunniekins much appreciated. I see what you're saying, and since it is a sunny day I should get out of the house. But the headspace I'm in, I'm just struggling with the concept of 'why?' I feel like I'm constantly trying to find reasons to live. My son, I have a son, he is the reason I'm still alive. But there are times when I can convince myself it will be OK to let go. My life feels like a test, to see how long I can continue to push along until I break. I'd like to last as long as it takes for my son to become a grown man, to know he will be able to take care of himself. I'd like to last that long. I guess that can be my goal? Being alive, it feels like, I'm not living, I'm just marking time until it's OK to let go. Sometimes, I really want to let go. I really effing want to so badly sometimes. Like yesterday. I could have convinced myself. I could have talked myself into it. But I numbed myself to it. Shoved the feelings aside. That's all I do, shove the feelings aside. But every time I do that, it gets harder.

Sorry, I feel like that was a long ramble, but thanks for letting me share this with you.

Hi @saltandpepper things sound very tough for you atm.Just wanted to say that I read your posts and am thinking of you. There are a lot of compassionate, understanding people here. I reached out when I was in a very difficult situation and it was lifechanging to find people who just get it. Take care

Thanks for reading and responding @frog I really appreciate it. It's really reassuring that you reached out when you were struggling and have found it to be so helpful. That's what I'm hoping for as well. I find it too confronting and too difficult to have conversations like this in person. I even struggle to be honest with my therapist at times. I know I could call him for support, I know I can do that, but it's hard. It feels easier to get support this way.

@saltandpepper Sorry saltandpepper for disappearing my daughter arrived for a quick visit. I hear you. Life can be so tough. I have 3 children all with varying needs and I can assure you even though they are now kidults they all need their mum and dad to varying degrees. You will always be a very important person to your son regardless of his age. xxx

No worries @Bunniekins hope you had a nice visit with your daughter. I just went out for a drive, thought that may help a little.

Three kids hey? Sounds full on. I have my son, and he is the best kid. When I'm managing OK through my depression, I wouldn't dream of doing anything. I do love my son more than anything and he brings me a lot of joy. I've been absolutely terrified as a parent that I will do something wrong, that I will screw up, that I will repeat bad behaviours. I've been trying so hard to be everything he deserves. And yeah, knowing he needs and depends on me definitely rings through when I have those feelings of letting go. It's the reason I'm still here, knowing he needs me. And also wanting to protect him, if I weren't here, where would he end up, who would protect him? It's why I can't let go, I can't do that to him. But, I think it's why sometimes I get so depressed that I can't manage to get out of bed. Because I do, at times, want to give in, but knowing I can't do that makes it incredibly hard to live. Wanting to act on those feelings, wanting relief, but knowing I can't have it, it feels terrible. Yearning for something but knowing you can't have it.
It feels terrible saying this, thinking it, if I didn't have a kid, I'd be able to let go. No guilt, no second guesses, no responsibility. But he is my responsibility, he didn't choose to be here, I'm responsible for him. He deserves a good life, a happy life, the best life I can possibly give him. But if he wasn't here, I wouldn't be here. That feels like both a blessing and a burden. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a reason to live. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to keep going.

@saltandpepper you are obviously a wonderful mum and a kind and caring person. Are there things that you like to do for yourself? like having a cup of tea out of your favourite mug or cup? I love my three cups of strong coffee a day 😛 they are what get this old body going every morning. I also walk most days with my neighbour early before everyone else does. It is beautiful and quiet thenwith the stars twinkling. What makes you happy just for you?

Hello @saltandpepper

I like your name.

I spent a long time fighting daily suicidal ideation, but yes the children are a very good reason to keep going. They also teach us about caring and when you can, turn a little of that care towards you.