Feeling everything and nothing! *Triggers SU*

In the last 24 hours...

my counsellor gave me psychological permission, if I wanted to, to move on to see a shrink, since she's only a volunteer counsellor and I need more intensive, specialized care. I want to, but I don't want to. She's wonderful, it's taken me months to get my dissociation to calm down enough that I actually could retain an image of her...remember what she looked like or what we talked about, between sessions. She finally met one of the others only a month ago and I had that 'I'm finally home feeling', now, I am going on to yet another therapist!

Damn! Just realized it's Wednesday! I saw her Monday! Sorry, in the last 48 hours...:face_with_rolling_eyes: I saw her Monday, Tuesday, I cleaned and packed some more for selling our house...too exhausted to cook, I sent my nephew a message that we had to finish packing this weekend cause the painters are coming next week. He told me off in a nasty way...I guess abusive.

It left me heartbroken. I left the house and went to uni, sat down and wrote my farewell letters, I was going to suicide. I calmed down enough to go back home.

4am now, and my dog crapped all over the loungeroom floor after I let him out to do his business outside. Just finished cleaning his mess.

So you would think, I would feel upset. I guess I am, I think I am, but I don't feel much of anything but now everything is a joke. Nothing matters anymore. It's all kind of funny, kind of like nothing freaks me out...I might even be able to fly, turn water into wine, change form, do one of those other superhuman things. I feel incredibly calm. There's no difference between being dead and being alive. Maybe I am a ghost, or I am imagining that I exist...a virtual world.

Anyways, that's where I'm at. Lol.