Even More Lonely

Should I be writing this? I don't know. Should I continue to write here? I don't know that either. There are very, very few places for me to write, or express myself in any way. No where else really, where I can speak about things that happen and how I feel. And I guess that is part of the problem really.

As I have said before, I feel invisible. And really, that feeling is only increasing. Had a birthday 10 days ago. Another one alone. Didn't hear a thing from my family, and, without friends, so, there is at least the last 10 days that I have not said a word to anyone. Not even when getting fuel or anything. The pointless small talk feels ... yeah, well, pointless. It has never made me feel any less invisible. The whole thing that small talk might become more has never, ever, happened, so, I have abandoned hope that it ever will.

Hope. I guess it feels like I have realised that hope, and false hope especially, is just a deceiver. A liar. When someone says to have hope, it is just words. There has never been anything to back it up. When I have hope in something, when I have let myself believe, it all just crumbles away. Realise that what I had hope in was never really a chance at all. Hope alone is no hope at all.

I've asked for help. Therapy has never helped though. Medication didn't. I know what is causing my depression and anxieties, and so know that that is still there no matter what pills I take. Loneliness isolates. Just being around people doesn't lessen it. I have tried so many groups, so many places. Have tried so many chat apps and sites, and dating sites, and just nothing from any of them. No conversations. No connections.

Maybe being diagnosed autistic scares people? Maybe most people think it is just too scary, or too difficult. I don't know. I have been to groups with autistic people, and, even there, there was no conversation. No connection. I was still too different I guess.

Friends. And someone in my life. A hand to hold on to. Hugs, and cuddles, and kissing. That's what I want. Really want. It's important to me. Yet .... yet none of it ever happens. If any thing, again, it feels like ... well, it is another thing I have asked for help with, asked for help with meeting people, with finding dates, yet, nobody is interested. Nobody wants to.

I am more invisible than ever. More isolated. More alone. That has been my birthday present it seems.