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Please help, advice and thoughts needed

ScarletWormwoodNew Contributor19 Feb 2020, 7:38 pm AEDT

Please help, advice and thoughts needed

Hi I joined this forum just now after blocking my mother on social media after a big fight and I feel really gross right now and am in desperate need of clarity. There may be some triggers in this post just as a heads up. I'm almost embarassed to share this as I'm sure it pales in comparison to what others have experienced but I need to know if my anger is valid or if I'm being an overactive victim like my mother says. Years ago I was living on a community, my mum and her partner were on a separate lot across from me. There were people staying up at the landlords house and I would visit them and hang out and was romantic with one of them. Oneday soon after my landlord came up behind me in a cafe and snaked his fingers across my shoulder blades in a sexual way. When I turned around to see who the hell it was he turned his head and walked away. It was so covert I questioned for ages if it even happened until a girl who was staying at his house a year later accused him of the exact same thing and got an AVO out on him. I never mentioned it cause I wasnt sure if it was serious enough to cause a fuss though I did tell my mum and her partner. More allegations have come out about this man, including court cases for child sexual abuse, him paying off a woman who accused him of rape as well as an unknown person distributing fliers around town and in peoples mail boxes saying that he is a rapist. Hes never been convicted of anything. My question is is my anger and feeling violated valid? I wasnt raped but whenever I think about him touching me like that I get so angry and upset. What angers me even more is that my mother chooses to still live on this property and pay this man rent and be polite like everything's fine. She had an opportunity recently to live closer to me for similar rent and chose not to. Whenever I bring this up about how this man makes me feel which is rare she calls me a victim, tells me it's my fault for going up to his house when she told me not to (I cant remember her telling me that) and that I need to grow up and get over it. Maybe I do need to get over it and admit that it wasnt bad? I've watched her sit there and rave to neighbours about how this man is a rapist. It also brings up an incident I had as a 10 year old child where my step grandfather cornered me when everyone was outside, gave me a sloppy kiss told me he loved me and not to tell anyone. I knew it was weird even as a child and told my parents immediately after we got in the car something they both deny ever happened. My dad flat out thinks I'm making it up and my mother just fobs it off as inconsequential. I'm just fuming right now and really hurt, upset, angry. Any advice or help would be so appreciated. And I'm sorry if relaying these experiences trivializes anyone else's.

2 replies

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In response to: Please help, advice and thoughts needed

ryeSenior Contributor20 Feb 2020, 1:28 am AEDT

Re: Please help, advice and thoughts needed

Hey @ScarletWormwood,

This sound like a really difficult time, and I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so hurt and invalidated by your parents.

I don't think it's at all trivial, or that you need to feel embarrassed to share your experiences. That these situations have made you feel violated or uncomfortable is absolutely reason enough to reach out for support.

I'm sad to hear that your family hasn't been supportive of you. It's funny how even as children we know when things don't feel right, and I wonder how it would feel about to chat to someone impartial about what has gone on? Maybe a counsellor or similar? I have found for myself that when my family have seemed a bit dismissive of me, it has helped to let it all out and feel heard by someone outside my day-to-day life.

Regardless, I want you to know that I hear you, and I'm thinking of you. What you have experienced is not okay, and you deserve to be heard and validated.

I hope you can find some kindness for yourself tonight.
Take care,
rye x

In response to: Please help, advice and thoughts needed

RazzleSenior Contributor20 Feb 2020, 9:45 am AEDT

Re: Please help, advice and thoughts needed

@ScarletWormwood It's not trivial at

all. What this land lord did was

make YOU uncomfortable - which is a natural reaction - you didn't invite him to touch you, he didn't ask permission and on top of the creepy grandparent episode it has dragged up those feelings too.

Don't think for one minute that either of these episodes are trivial and not

worth a reaction. The landlord sounds like he is a known rapist that has got away with it. Sounds like you dodged a bullet there, but while he's still in the community he's still a threat. You need to be cautious when he's around. If he touches you again,

scream blue murder so that everyone else pays attention. If nothing else, it will make him back off and leave you alone.

You also dodged a bullet with the grandparent - that's how it started

with me and a friend of the family that decided to be my "adopted grandpa".

slight touches, kissing on the mouth with tongue - threats to not tell anyone which led to 2 years of sexual abuse. Maybe your grandfather didn't go any further because you spoke up and maybe one of your parents had a word to him.

I just don't understand why your mother would not support you here, what does she want, for you to be

actually assaulted ?? Your feelings ARE valid, my opinions may be skewed by my own experience, but your feelings even from an early age let you know what was happening wasn't right because it wasn't.

Sometimes it's easier to ignore the situation or not believe or support the victim than to step up and protect your child like your mother should be doing. I'm sorry she isn't doing this.

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