LemonjuiceSenior Contributor
5am and can't sleep.
Today I will be seeing my counsellor for what will most likely be our last session. On Friday I am going to travel some 1000kms to another city to see a specialist psychiatrist in DID for a diagnosis. I don't plan on coming back home. I'm not sure what I will do, there's a house to sell, but I don't care anymore, they can sort it out...god knows, they have left me with one mess after another to sort out my entire life. I'm not sure if I am going to live on the streets, disappear in some bushland, suicide or my spine will collapse and I will return home like a cowardly dog so I can continue being abused. I have four days to prepare. I have to pack my belongings in boxes and do the same with my parents' room. I don't want anyone else to sort through their things...it's all going to charity but still, I don't want anyone touching their stuff, so I will do it. The rest of the house and garage, they can figure out, I don't care. I'm so exhausted, I can't sleep or think straight, I can't remember things. The only thing I have left is that mum and dad are in some kind of afterlife and I will see them again. Not sure how I am going to explain my not coming back to my counsellor today. I don't know...I mean, I don't want to hurt her, I know she cares and wants to work with me, so I feel like I should lie...tell her that I have decided to move up there and a friend has offered me a room. She'll be glad that I found a way to get away from the abuse, what the truth is, doesn't matter, it only matters that she's ok. Idk, I am such a useless piece of shit...my nephew is right, I am nothing, I am worth nothing. Going to sleep...well try. Sorry for the vent.
