A carer's biggest fear...

Hi Snoo,

Thank you for sharing your experience - good on you for putting in boundaries and acknowledging you have to have to find your own balance.

Hopefully being part of this forum will help you feel less isolated and give you some of the support you're looking for!

You might find the 'looking after ourselves' disucssion topic helpful to see how others have tried to get that balanace.

I'm also interested to hear from our fellow carers as to how they deal with their fears - anyone?

I am so overwhelmed with everything I'm learning. About my partner, his mental illness and about myself. It's very tiring & emotionally draining. Unfortunately part of his symptoms include latching on obsessively. You mentioned that she can be very nasty. He is the same. He is often very cruel to me. When it's frequent, he manages to destroy me for a while. He personally attacks my weaknesses to intentionally hurt me. His fear of abandonment actually causes him to push me away so that at least he feels if he breaks me, then he's in control. Then he realises that he misses me & feels he needs me, so the cycle continues. It's exhausting. I'm trying to run a business and care for my daughter, but he craves all of my energy & attention. One day he's perfect, the next day, he's the worst. Between him & my ex husband, I've spent the last 14 years of my life being serially cheated on, emotionally abused, verbally abused & physically abused. It's so easy for others to say walk away. But when you feel so invaluable, it's hard to think positive. When I left him for a year, he nearly destroyed himself. For all his faults, I still love him. I feel responsible for him. And I keep thinking, at least he isnt unfaithful like my ex husband always was. I keep thinking of my daughter & i know that i should be a better role model for her. I left her dad so that I could prove to her that women are worth more than that. And now I'm just contradicting everything I've tried to teach her. I guess I only whinged & didnt provide any practical advice for you. I hope that you manage to find yourself and keep a strong hold because if you're not ok, then you'll lose your ability to help your loved one.

Hi Beetn,

When we’re in a state of overwhelm, it’s sometimes useful to get some distance from the situation and try and be objective. It seems like this is a cycle that you have been through numerous times, so it’s important to take a step out of the cycle to get some perspective. I have seen another post that you are ‘taking time out’. I hope that means that you are spending time away from your partner.

Being in a relationship where you’re giving a lot but not receiving what you need in return can be exhausting in it self. I can only imagine adding the role as carer into the situation would be really tough & conflicting for you.

I want to stress the importance of your safety. You have mentioned in your post that you have endured physical abuse. This is never okay and it’s vital to get help to get out of this situation. If you feel unsafe or threatened, both emotionally and/or physically please contact support services such as 1800respect.

It seems like you’re very aware of the impact that this situation is having on yourself & your daughter. You show a lot of strength & insight. You are right, it is easy for us to say walk away, so I’m going to not say that, but what I wil say is – something has to change. Take action to make a change – whatever that may look like.

Relationships Australia is just one option who provide specialised support to people who are experiencing conflict and difficulties in their relationships. If your partner doesn’t want to go, it’s okay, you can still contact them and benefit from their services.

When relationships don't seem quite right and there’s such strong emotion involved, it can be hard knowing where to do turn to. In your other post, you mentioned you like having coffee with friends. Can you share some of your experiences with them?

Of course these forums & the community is here for you too