Attachment to mental health worker / a rollercoaster relationship

Hi everyone, nice to find this forum.

This is going to be a long post and I have no idea where to begin.

I was in hospital in 2018 and I had this nurse who was the nicest nurse you’d ever meet. She was always looking out for me and called me her baby. She said she felt protective of me, like she was my big sister. I didn’t know what I’d done to deserve all this love and attention.

She had a great sense of humour and made me laugh even though I was so depressed. She was also very affectionate. I usually hate being touched, but she was the exception. Likewise I hid away in my room and had signs on my door saying not to come in until midday, but I didn’t mind her coming in. She would brag to the other nurses how she could come into my room.

She was not just a nurse to me. She quickly became a best friend, a sister, my happy ending… everything I’ve ever longed for. She would speak to me like we knew each other personally as well. For instance she’d come to my door and say “it’s just me”. Or when I was having a meltdown, she’d say things like “come cuddle my cats”. There was one time I had a meltdown while on leave (I was in the city). When she found out, she said “what are you trying to do, give me a heart attack? Make sure you bring me with you next time”. I believe she meant well, she was only being nice. She probably didn’t realise the impact of her words. That I took them to heart and believed they had substance.

I knew the day would come when I had to leave. How could I possibly say goodbye to her? The mere thought of it sent me into the deepest depression I’ve ever experienced. I had become so dependent on her emotionally I felt I couldn’t live my life without her. I ended to talking to her about it. She said she could get my number from my file and message me when I leave. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I went from suicidal depression to euphoria. My treatment-resistant depression was gone just like that.

The day I was discharged, she never came to see me off. Then I didn’t hear from her all month. That month was the worst month of my life. I felt like I was dying more and more each day. I was suicidal. Finally one of my therapists suggested I ring the hospital and ask to talk to her. It took a lot of courage to make the call but I did. The receptionist said she was having lunch but took down my number for her to call me back. I didn’t know if she would, but she did. She even called me from her personal mobile phone. She told me her whole face lit up when she saw my number there on the page. She said they’d closed my file before she had the chance to get my number. She said she missed me so much, that every time she passed my old room she felt sad. She said we’d definitely keep in touch.

Another month passed and I didn’t hear from her, which I found strange. So I took the initiative to contact her. For six months or so we texted each other. She would usually reply straight away, but it was always me the one texting her. I asked her if she wanted to meet up. “Sure 🙂” she said, but nothing ever came of it. I asked her to let me know when she wanted to meet, but she never did. I put a lot of thought into my texts, like in one I said “Sorry if I’m texting you too much, I just rarely ever find anyone I feel close with”. I’d only get these brief responses back, such as “That’s ok”. Maybe there were little signs all along that the friendship- whatever you want to call it- wasn’t all that equal… that she didn’t care about it as much as I did.

Eventually she stopped replying altogether. She never gave me an explanation, and I am left wondering what has happened. I feel like it’s my fault, that I wasn’t a good enough friend. I would often text her about my problems. She was my go-to person; I felt I could talk to her about anything. Maybe she just got sick of my negativity.

I continued to deteriorate. I tried calling her and sent her more texts but I never got anything back. It was like speaking to a brick wall. Kirri, a friend of mine, offered to contact her for me. I let her. She called my nurse friend from her phone. At first it went to the same automated message I got. But then my nurse friend texted “Who is this? I don’t have your number in my contacts”. She then called back, but then hung up when Kirri answered. It was all very strange. Kirri wrote a text introducing herself. She said she was deeply concerned about my wellbeing and asked if they could speak and if she [Kirri] could get her perspective. My nurse friend asked how Kirri got her number. Kirri said I gave it to her (obviously) and said please find the courage to call back. My nurse friend then said to Kirri that she’s got the wrong number.

I am now back in the hospital where she works, but in a different ward. I was admitted the end of last year. Before I came in I called her on her ward. I asked her why she took the call. She's like "Err because the phone was handed to me?". I said "you haven't been speaking with me all year, I figure you've blocked me, so why you take this call?" She then told me I'd got the wrong number and hung up. I was extremely distressed after this and was admitted that very day. I turned the cold water on in the shower and sat under it fully clothed. I then lay on the floor and cried hysterically with one of the nurses.

I have tried calling her a few times again but she won't talk to me. This is one of the worst things I’ve gone though and I don't know if I can ever heal from it. If you’ve got this far reading this, thank you.