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Unhelpful/helpful things that people say and do

PrincessmollySenior Contributor24 June 2016, 12:26 pm AEST

Unhelpful/helpful things that people say and do

This is a 2 part question.
1. What are some unhelpful things people wither say or do to you?
2. What do you find helps? What do you WISH people could say or fo for you. Im hoping people with friends and family with MI see this and take note...ill answer in comments

6 replies

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In response to: Unhelpful/helpful things that people say and do

PrincessmollySenior Contributor24 June 2016, 12:33 pm AEST

Re: Unhelpful/helpful things that people say and do

Unhelpful- saying "just think positive"...."your antidepressants obviously need upping".... "get over it".... "there are worse off people than you"... "you are such a negative person".

Helpful would be not nagging me or expecting anything on my truly down days, not trying to fix my issues, not telling me about your workmates aunties fridnd that had the same and tried such and such.
Instead.....Invite me places, include me. Im lonely, send me random texts to let me know i matter to someone, compliment me...on anything i feel so bad about myself. I may not beleive you at the time but it matters, give me hug, tske me out walking, drop in with a DVD. Comedy. You get my drift

In response to: Unhelpful/helpful things that people say and do

500bluebirdsContributor24 June 2016, 6:18 pm AEST

Re: Unhelpful/helpful things that people say and do

Hi @Princessmolly,

That's a great idea. I'm sure a lot of us can relate to what you've already mentioned and will have more to add to this discussion 🙂

Here are some Unhelpful things people have said to me:

“at least you have......”, “at least you're not.....”, “you're not as bad as you think” or “your situation isn't as bad as you think”. I've also had the same “get over it” response and people thinking any changes are to do with medication dosage or being moody (they don't think for a minute it could be themselves or immediate circumstance). Then there's “you're making yourself depressed”, “but you look so happy”, “but you don't look sick”, “calm down”, “don't stress”, “you just need a sleep”, usual stigmatisation. “You just need to stop”, “you just need to breathe”, "I want the old you back.." (the person they thought they knew before illness was apparent or diagnosed).

Unhelpful Actions: forcing action instead of supportive encouragement; being ignored; being isolated; stigmatised and/or people acting like you're “crazy” (like in hollywood movies), you have a deadly contagious disease, or that you're somehow an incarnation of the devil (making a cross symbol with two fingers); creating distance

Helpful Words: “I love you”, “is there any way I can help?”, “is there anything I can do?”, “how are you doing right now?”, "Have you eaten?" "Can I make you something?", "I've missed you today", "you're not crazy"

Helpful actions: a hug, a kiss, sitting together (either beside or in the same room – being present), being present in conversations (paying attention and listening at the very least), offer to help with a task (don't force the issue), allowing time for recovery. Don't stop inviting the person out and don't give up on them – they may be going through a really difficult time and need a while to recover. By keeping those channels open, it lets the person know that they're still welcome, wanted, included, and cared about. Believe me, this really matters. Take someone out to the cinema or have a movie night in. If they have an interest in something or used to enjoy doing something, do something related. For example: I used to love and enjoy my art. Something helpful or thoughtful would be to go and look through an art gallery or a museum, or draw funny stick figures together or play with playdough and just let loose. Maybe start small. Whatever it is though, enjoy the little things together – they're often big things 🙂

That's all I have at the moment but I'll add more as I think of them.

In response to: Re: Unhelpful/helpful things that people say and do

DecadianSenior Contributor24 June 2016, 6:34 pm AEST

Re: Unhelpful/helpful things that people say and do

@500bluebirds@Princessmolly

Wow - I more than like these - a pity we can only put one like up

I have this little story I tell sometimes - there was an old man sitting on the curb with his boots in his hands and looking miserable

A strangers came along and told him "Mate - you just have to pull yourself up by you own bootstraps"

And the old guy looked up - muttering - and said " Well - I would - but I can't get my boots on over my bunions"

I have found people say similar things to people with chronic pain and bereaved parents as they do with people with emotional problems. The things is that people - these people - have no idea of how tough life can be for us with the emotional, mental, pain, grief issues - we have them - and we don't need a pity party - we need to be respected for who we are and what has happened and how we feel.

Shikes - people wanting the "old us" back - who were we then - I dunno - I am an adult - I have kept growing even though I have been an adult for more years than I care to think about

And I like to keep the little child alive too - what fun to enjoy the roller coaster or the beach

We can't change the normal people - they think they are right

We need our own reality - we don't like it - or have to like it - we have to endure it

How about a list - and we can publish the most undermining and irritating ones

I so hate to be told to have a good day - today I definitely had other plans

Decadian

In response to: Unhelpful/helpful things that people say and do

Unknown userMember24 June 2016, 8:03 pm AEST

Re: Unhelpful/helpful things that people say and do

Yes I found myself feeling irritated today by "you'll find if you...", like derr clearly an understatement of what I've been living through. Just because you have a friend, relative, worker whatever with the same set of problems doesn't mean two situations are the same. I feel I bang my head against a wall, when you've explained the latest scenario, because they asked only to not be acknowledged for just this or worse a judgment made that was not even what you had meant to convey. In the end I fell asleep from exhaustion, to be late with another shunned look. I was beyond caring for sometimes people really do have no idea. I thoroughly agree, it's best to be ones own kind of normal. On my best days they are on top of the world. Any way I hope to have not stirred the pot! Sometimes we all just need to rant when we feel life has become unjust!!

In response to: Unhelpful/helpful things that people say and do

SehnsuchtSenior Contributor28 June 2016, 12:04 am AEST

Re: Unhelpful/helpful things that people say and do

"But you are intelligent"
Like intelligence somehow absolves you of ever falling ill, or that it somehow provides you with some amazing strength that enables you to cure yourself. Or, that ill people are idiots. Whichever way you look at it, not helpful.

Helpful? Listening. Honestly. Just listen, and genuinely respond. Sure, I cried yesterday. And the day before. And a week ago. But I am no less overwhelmed and stressed and scared right now than I was any of those other times, or the person that cries once a decade. Why is the world so emotionally ignorant and repressive? Crying alone is the most devastating experience I know.

In response to: Re: Unhelpful/helpful things that people say and do

DecadianSenior Contributor28 June 2016, 11:02 am AEST

Re: Unhelpful/helpful things that people say and do

@Sehnsucht

That is so true - it doesn't matter how intelligent we are we can still suffer emotionally and physically

How would it be if a person was in an accident - would being intelligent and healthy stop them from being hurt

No!

And crying alone - that is so lonely and so devastating - and it is easy to feel as if no one cares - and at times - the reality is that no one does

That's en excellent post @Sehnsucht

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