This is so weird...su triggers.

So far, I have told my counsellor, people here, my uni counsellor who then referred me to another counsellor, a hospital psych nurse, a second nurse on follow-up, and now my gp, that I am suicidal and I am not controlling things very well. It's weird, I was so terrified that I would end up in hospital for even mentioning it but nothing happened. Everyone has been sympathetic, but thankfully, no one has done anything about it. My gp today wants me to increase my depression meds and he wants me to see him next week. I'm not going to do it cause I actually want to come off my meds, not increase them. I don't want to get better anymore, if it's going to make me feel better, I don't want to do it. I want to get depressed, I want to end things. I know it's weird, but I kind of feel like a superwoman, or rather invisible woman. I kind of thought to myself, no one sees you, no one cares, go ahead, test and you will see, no one will do anything when you say you are suicidal, cause it's meant to be and because you don't exist. I thought, this is nonsense of course, something would happen, someone would catch me falling, but no one did. Now, I feel like a god, I think I could walk on water, fly, and no one would react because I am not real, this world is not real.

Shhh...watch, no one will see this either.

Lol, no, I am not experiencing psychosis, I am still in touch with reality, I am speaking metaphorically, what it feels like, rather than what is. I feel invisible, or as my nephew told me, I am nothing. He's right. Better get dinner ready. Lol. Doesn't matter what, cleaning and dinner must be made...march on.