Flowerchild747Casual Contributor
Postnatal Manic Psychosis
I am 44 years old and I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type One in 2004, my child was only two days old when I went into Postnatal Manic Psychosis. Which is a rare event... so I'm told... it occurs in approximately 1% to 2% of 1000 women after childbirth with onset as early as 48 hours to 72 hours after delivery. A t 27, I fell pregnant, towards the end, I started not to sleep; I dismissed this as a symptom of pregnancy. The day came when the doctor decided to induce me, a week early due to my high blood pressure... 28 hours later, I gave birth to a big health boy who was nearly 9 pound. Completely drained my husband left the hospital to let me sleep. The truth is, I did not sleep - I could not sleep. I had so many thoughts going around in my head. After a day and night of not sleeping the doctors and nurses became concerned. I started to do things that I would not normally do and definitely, things a mother would not normal do. I pushed the crib away from me; I became confused and emotionally disconnected with my newborn. I started to become reckless. It was at this point I knew something was wrong. I was assessed by the resident psychiatrist I remember sitting in my hospital bed as I explained my thoughts I saw pity and sorrow in her eyes, this is when I realised I was delusional and needed help so I signed the consent forms to take me to the local psychiatric hospital for an intensive medical assessment. Consequently, I went from being in a private hospital to a locked ward... without my son. The first night I was disoriented, isolated and alone. I had no idea where I was, or why I was there. There were many thoughts going round and round inside my head, but I had this one terrifying question repeatedly coming up Had I killed my baby? The duty psychiatrist briefly assessed me had put me on an involuntary patient order for 72 hours. The locked ward was exactly like prison; Windows had bars on them and locked shut, Patients were restricted from areas not in use. Staff were located behind a big windowed cubicle, Patients had to wait their turn even to make a phone call. My thoughts were all over the place, Nothing made any sense. In addition, I did not know what was happening. What transpired that night was that I fell deeper into psychosis and I became delusional believing that I had to pass a series of tests in order to-get out. That first night I felt like a wild animal running place to place trying to escape. I tried doing things in stages I went to the big door in the common room; I patted around the edges of the door trying to find the exit button, which in my mind I thought, was the way out of the locked ward. I ran from room to room all around the entire ward looking for a way out. I became very agitated at this stage and hated being “locked up.” I felt that not one staff helped me. It was the most extensively confusing night of my life. In the morning, a new psychiatrist evaluated me. She had recommended that I be transferred from the locked ward to the mother baby unit, in those days...It was was still on the grounds of The Psychiatric Facility. I was transferred that morning. Nothing can describe the happiness I felt when I realised I had not hurt my son - he was alive and with me on the ward but my thoughts were still very erratic and still I did not sleep. I did not understand what was going on, in my eyes, I was fine and did not need to be hospitalised. There were radical changes in my personality; I had impaired functioning, and a distorted, well a non- existent sense of reality. After two more days of this manic behaviour and while in a deep psychotic state, the doctor sat me down and delivered my diagnosis...Postnatal Manic Psychosis. Then he simply got up and left the room. My jaw was on the ground... what did this mean? Remaining confused and not understanding. I felt neglected. The psychiatrist transferred me that day to another secure locked ward. There were six patients to three nurses and I was the only female patient there. I started to come out of the haze of manic psychosis into being, as the psychiatrist stated, “only slightly unwell”. I was still confused and disconnected. Slowly I started to sleep. Therefore, they move me back to the mother baby unit. After seven long days in this locked ward, wondering what was happening. Where is my son? What day it was? Once again, I united with my son. The scariest part for me was I had not bonded with him. I felt like I did not want to be a mother and questioned how I could look after a child if I could not even look after myself. I rejected the doctors and nurses advice to hold him. I was reluctant to. I felt like a failure , I was heartbroken and ashamed. I yearned to feel this bond. It saddened me that I did not feel this bond at all. I was incredibly disappointed; how I had expected to feel as a new mother was completely different to how I actually felt. I had this one terrible solitary persistent thought: I am hopeless. It overwhelmed me. Recently I have relapsed... I thought I had it under control but it resurfaced when a friend's son who was sixteen died in a car crash. I went totally manic and delusional. Wondering if anyone else had this postnatal diagnosis with relapse ten years later?
