Really hating on myself

Hey

So I'm really hating on myself. I have BPD, anxiety & depression, bla bla. I've done DBT. I've been using my strategies to keep going. I'm 'okay' sort of ... but ... I'm having moments of tears any time that I scratch the surface and I've got a really short fuse.

There are a few reasons.

I'm a single mum of 2 boys, now 15 & 17. I've been single since they were 1 & 3 so a few years, lol. I work casually and also on DSP. I earn about $30k/yr in my job which I've had for just under 2 years. Although with everything we live on about $45k. I don't have much in my super due to my history. I took a long time to be okay to the point where I can work. I'm 47 and renting and I am putting everything I can into trying to buy a place as I'm terrified how things will be when the kids are gone and I retire. I'm scared I'll be in a one bedroom run down place in drug central because that's all I'll be able to afford to rent.

My 17 yr old has left school so I am making him be responsible for himself. He has to pay for things that are his now, foods that are specifically his, like his weetbix that no one but he eats. I've set board at $110/week which is 1/3 rent, 1/3 internet and a rounded contribution to consumables about $14 with a reduction for the child support I still get for him. He'll have to pay 1/3 of electricity and water when it comes in. He currently has 2 jobs, both casual jobs around school that he's had for 2 years. He has a car and $10k in the bank is it's not like he doesn't have the means. He is looking for better work which I'm confident he will get because he has a good history. He has anxiety which I've taught him to work through but there has been concern raised by his boyfriend that he has an eating disorder. He eats, he eats when he is provided for by me. He wont take food at his boyfriends place. I've discouraged his boyfriend eating too much at my place. I can't afford to feed an extra person. Well, I could, but I'm not generous financially, especially outside of my boys and I and a few bills have come in. I've created a little bit of a monster in my son because he is a work-a-holic & addicted to saving but he wont spend to care for himself. The protective side of me wants to just provide for him but the teacher in me wants to teach him to provide for himself. He knew this was coming. I've raised the boys with the knowledge that they must work from 15, they must save for a car, they must get their license and when they leave school they must pay their way as if they are living in a share house because I simply can not provide for them without drowning myself.

I've learnt through my journey that life is balance. Things were very hard when they were young and my depression was at it's worst. I learnt to balance providing for my kids while managing my own wellness. I was sacrificying myself for them and things just got worse, ie I didn't do couscelling but gave them everything so that at least they appeared to be 'normal' to the world, just Kmart etc but still new.

It's not like my son has nothing. He has plenty but I still hate myself because I can't just provide for him and make this transition easier. I tell myself that this is good for him. He has to learn to manage it all. I've taught him. I'm emotionally supporting him etc I'm still providing some food in the general household.

I'm also hating on myself because I've lived my life with ambition. I've fought so hard and long against my mental issues while studying and striving for more, for better. I've got a teaching degree, taught for 3 years but couldn't cope. I've got a degree is software design but the kids where still youngish so decided to start a business which also failed and I went to work. My first job was still in tech so I had hope and ambition that it would build and turn into something but again .. it failed because I couldn't cope with the environment (the boss was a nasty person). My current job is great, Management is amazing, understanding and supportive, my co-workers are for the most part great. One is a cow but changes are being made. The job itself is a holiday park reception, very busy but I've had to accept that this is it. I've let go of all my hope for better. For a job with more money. I've adjusted my thinking, adjusted my financial planning and settling for this life because for all my work, for all my struggles I just can't get better than this. This is good. There is good here. There is nothing 'wrong' with 'this' but. I always wanted more. I wanted to own my own home. I wanted to be able to earn over $50k independantly of the gov but I just can't. I can't handle a job that pays that because of this illness.

I've struggled my whole life in the workplace. I had a handleful of jobs before kids but failed in all of them and spent much of my time on benefits. I studied because I thought it would give me more. I thought if I followed my passion then "I could do it" but it all failed. I had success in my studies but that didn't translate to work. I fall under what the world tells me is 'normal' work. The 'normal' pressures of working life. The 'normal' nasty person in every work place. I love my job. It's easy. I do it well. It has mini challenges that I thrive on. It's supportive and accepting. I've some 'moments' at work and they've given me the space to work through it without judgement. I work 4 days in the roster, occasionally 5 when others have leave. It's a 7 day roster, working 6 - 8 hrs a shift any time between 8am to 9pm. I couldn't cope doing 5 days a week in this position because with a variable roster my co-workers often do 7 day stretches which I don't cope with. I'm scared to get a different job because what if it's a bad workplace, what if I fail there just to get more money, to somehow fill my ambition which is still there, it just doesn't have any direction.

I want to leave this town, it's a coastal tourist town, it's expensive to live here. It's beautiful but it has limitations. I want to get back to QLD but have no idea how. I tried when the kids where heading to high school but couldn't swing it. Now I have to wait until the kids are fully independent so I settle. I accept. but I'm hating that I've lost hope.

We went on a holiday, our last family holiday in early Dec. It was mostly good but had some really horrible moments too. I broke on the second last day. I've tried so hard to try and get my boys to like each other but they hate each other. They are very different people so it makes sense but ... I'm not a happy person... I'm not a truly positive person. I try. I work really hard to be happy, to display happiness to be positive, to display positive but in truth. Underneath I'm sad, I'm cynical. I'm a little bitter and I hate that I can't 'just' be better. I have a treadmill and I walk most days. I'm overweight and eat badly. I try to be better but often fail... I eat when things go shit. I struggle to cook and plan meals. Even when I do plan meals I often don't do them until just before the meat is about to go off. I get really motivated and then just fall in a heap when things become too much.

I hate who I am. I hate having to fight this 'mental illness'. I want to be who I was before. I was fearless, I was active, the world didn't scare me. I was carefree and just took everything in my stride.

I want help. but I don't know where to go. I want to connect with people but struggle so much with them. I want to move but I'm scared and don't know how. I hate lifeline. They don't care unless you are on the brink. They follow the script and get you off the phone. I don't want to 'do' counselling again. I don't want to 'talk' about it all. I find that in life you can focus on the negative or the positive. I focus on the positive to get through. Sometimes I sink into the hole and it's harder but it's the positive that keeps me going. I can be fine for days. One little thing can happen and I just drop. I cover it to get through, to get to neutral. I DO to keep going. Work keeps me going, 'have to's' keep me going.

I think about posting a lot, I tend to push it to the side because if I think about it. If I start expressing it. It helps, But it also drops me because it perpetuates it. I'm hoping someone can give me a new idea. something different that might actually help change this. I am so tired of this life. I want a different life. I want to be happy, I want to be loved. I want to be someones priority rather than an after thought or provider

Thanks & sorry