Hello @Andrew1
There is a lot of grief and shame when we realise that the ways in which we have responded are perhaps not "best practice" and that we could have done things better. I have found that the best way to deal with regrets are to take responsibility for what we have done/not done, doing what we can to apologise (without attributing any blame to her), to offer reconciliation and accepting the outcome after doing so. It may be an apology might need to be accompanied with an offer to go to family therapy or similar. Your partner may or may not accept the apology, may or may not resume the relationship, but owning your actions and doing what you can do about them is a part of growth. I think that it is important to remember that none of us are perfect and that no matter the outcome that you can become a better person as a result of what you are presently experiencing.
It may be different for blokes, but I found it so much easier when I had a specific role to play in relation to my husbands MI, I actively became part of his team, supporting him in ways he felt appropriate; this is different for everyone. Yes, you do need to self care too, so important to have some of your own interests so you do not become overwhelmed.
At times it is hard to live with someone with mental illness and I found these carer statements written by Brad Hoefs to be most helpful and as I started putting these things into practice which have been really helpful to me
- My loved one’s mental health challenge has also left me feeling helpless and hopeless. Therefore, I choose the help of others in learning about the disorder and choosing healthy boundaries for myself.
- I haven’t always responded to my loved one’s mental health issue in ways that were good for the relationship. Therefore, I choose to learn better ways to communicate with, support, and encourage my loved one.
- At times I don’t understand my loved one and can allow them to either wallow in their excuses, or push them too hard. Therefore I choose to learn healthy, appropriate ways to contribute to my loved one’s recovery.
- At times I also feel hopeless, letting my loved one’s actions and recovery define my happiness. Therefore, I choose to live with healthy emotional boundaries, and I choose my own joy despite the ups and downs of my loved one.
- I, too, have been part of the cycle of dysfunctional living, either thinking I had all the answers or thinking the problem didn’t belong to me. Therefore, I choose to submit myself to learning new behaviors and taking responsibility for my own healthy, balanced living.
- At times, I have viewed myself as a victim of my loved one’s behavior and disorder, living in resentment, anger, unforgiveness, or self pity. Therefore, I choose to separate the disorder from the person I love, forgive and let go of the past, and live as a contributor to successful recovery.
