Mum has OCPD

Hey there @Former-Member (great username!) welcome to our community, this sounds like a very challenging time so thank you for reaching out and please know within our forum you are amongst peers who will hold space and hear you

It can be exceptionally hard when partners enable such as your Dad does, no doubt that is frustrating at times. It sounds like control is a pretty important factor for your mother, but that it is extending out and affecting all of you adversely, especially the clutter etc - though it is positive there's a degree of self-awareness.

Managing your own self-care and boundaries with this is incredibly important, so you've certainly come to the right place and I don't doubt the community will jump in and provide you some strategies or insight. There's a really good piece here about developing a sense of balance when supporting someone with complex mental health challenges. Do you have your own support person/therapist to chat to as well? Look forward to speaking to you again soon.

Hi @Former-Member . Thanks heaps for your warm welcome and for the link. I do have a counsellor I can talk to about this and plan to do so pretty soon. Mum has always taken a bit of "managing", but some times are harder than others and if she can manage to relax for a bit, she's actually very lovely and funny and adorable and all that. Those occasions seem to be becoming less common as she's ageing, though, and she seems to be close to the brink a good deal of the time. That's awful to see and also awful to be around. It's only this week that the penny has dropped for me that what I always dismissed and defended as idiosynchracies are actually pathological. Now that the veil has been lifted, it's like I see my life with her in a whole new context, and it feels tragic to think things are unlikely to get better in the relatively short time we probably have left together. It's quite a kick in the guts and I'm not sure how to play this from here. You're right, though, about needing some support for myself and working out how to find boundaries as she's becoming more dependent on me in her old age. Thanks again!

Hi @Former-Member ....,

Something like this has overtaken my now-estranged husband. Many years of workaholism (now a recognised OCD behaviour) masked what emerged as some sort of personal crisis when we sold our business and “retired” ..... he has been running at 100km ever since ..... creating chaos in life and personal relationships all around him as he has gone, and now has found another woman to support the way he wants to live, charming-to-a-fault and best-foot-forward, of course .....

Across the last ten years of chasing after this situation to try to rescue what used to be us, applying boundaries became essential, but that has also been translated into accusations about constantly criticising him. It’s a no-win situation, but a parental relationship is different - different boundaries - and it’s not like they can just go out and find a replacement adult child, is it ?

You might find phrases like, “okay, how can we moderate the expectations around this ?”, and “okay, but where is the middle ground between what you want and what I want ?” helpful.

A counsellor can help you work out set phrases to respond with, which I had to learn with other extended family members who were made in the same mould.

Seek joy wherever you can find it, because much of the struggles involved sap joy from your life, so replenishing it and investing in a high level of self-care is very important and necessary.

Best wishes with it all, and please keep asking questions as you go. Some behaviour patterns will become somewhat routine as you learn how to defend your own right to life.

Hugs incoming ..... 💕💕💕

Hi @Faith-and-Hope ,

Thanks so much for taking the time to share your story and your thoughts. It sounds like you've had quite a rough road of some similar issues yourself. I've thought through what you've said and I can really connect with your advice about finding some sort of middle ground. Part of that will require me to really consider my own needs and what I'm actually capable of giving in a sustainable manner. So that's a starting point. And yes, finding a way to communicate all of that is another important step. I'll have to work in the whole "Joy" thing. As a single parent who's transferring caring reaponsibiiities from a younger generation to an older one, that's a very alien concept. I've forgotten how to put my needs first and do anything more than what's needed to just sustain myself. Food for thought. 🙂
Thanks again for your kindness.

Yeah @Former-Member .... been right there, and working my way forward on that same path .... in baby steps.

Rome wasn’t built in a day ....

Hugz ❣️

This is my first post and I’m a bit lost with the whole forum concept and not sure if I’m doing this the right way! I’m replying to this post because it is a brilliant explanation of my experience with my family. Hugely complex situation and so hard to explain to anyone who has no insight into such complexities. My sister and her adult daughter have lived with my parents for over two decades. My parents are now in their 80s. My mum has cooked and cleaned this whole time. My sister is exactly as described by ChaiMaker. Their spaces have been overtaken by my sister’s stuff (junk) and we are afraid to speak - this is so hard for others to understand but the control exerted by the ocpd individual plus their fragility is a potent mix. I have moved in with my daughter and have taken over from mum to cook and clean every day. This is the tip of an iceberg for me personally as my marriage has ended, I have no money, and so on. My daughter is doing well and that’s always my first priority. But I’m struggling and very alone so I’m reaching out

Hello and welcome @Shrimp

@Former-Member , @Faith-and-Hope

Hi @Shrimp and welcome to the forums .... 👋

Hi too @Former-Member if you're around ....

Hi @Shrimp Welcome aboard! I have to confess I've been absent from the site for quite a while so apologies for the slow reply. I totally feel for you regarding your situation with your sister and I'm so sorry to hear you've had other setbacks to add to all the stress.

It sounds like you've been parachuted into a horrendous position of having to protect others in your family from the impact of your sister. That's very much how I feel in my family, though at least I'm not living with them all. I think my head would be exploding if I was! If I mis-step because I'm feeling worn down, and my frustration comes through, I'm then faced with having to deal with the consequences when Mum gets hurt and offended, so I feel like I'm forever subjegating myself and accommodating her every preference. I'd like to take a break and get some distance, but then I get the whole passive aggressive "I haven't heard from you for so long and I didn't know when I would, and you don't know what's been going on here" plus the choked back tears. So I have to just keep going.

I wish I had some tips for you, but all I can offer is an understanding and a ton of empathy. I hope there's at least a sense of solidarity between you and the others in the family who are experiencing the same thing. I do find it helps that others see what's happening, so at least I'm reassured that all the craziness is real and not just me. I'm also seeing a therapist, so that takes some of the sting out of the sense of aloneness, even if it hasn't really given me any practical solutions.

Hang in there and I'm crossing my fingers that you can find a better living situation sooner rather than later.

Thanks so much for your reply, @Former-Member. Yes, living amongst it is difficult!! But I think the mother-daughter dynamic that you’re talking of is a particularly difficult and painful one and my heart goes out to you. I’m sure you know the expression that it’s the illness, not the person - sometimes that helps me to step back a little. My family is so unhealthily intertwined, like a group of drunks all holding each other up, and if you could get one on their own feet for a second the others would collapse. My dad too will rush in to ‘defend’ if the status quo is questioned, right or wrong. My husband (ex but best friend) said yesterday that my sister’s mental health problems have rubbed off on both my parents and he can see that my mum doesn’t know how to be my mum any more (I was complaining that mum has odd turns of phrase that negate me somehow - dad does too but we all put that down to stupid misogyny that he of all people should recognise but doesn’t, and at least we can have a wry - shared - laugh about that). I can hear myself here already, trying to fix intractable problems, and suffering a kind of personal annihilation in the process. I do have a plan of sorts, I’m hoping that through the aged care support process some external services will be able to do what none of us are able to, and bring up the subject of moving out with my sister. Then her anger can be directed at strangers but the hard nut will have been cracked open. I have contacted a friend of a friend who is getting back to me with good contacts, as we all know that connecting with the ‘right’ organisation means nothing if you get the ‘wrong’ person on the other end on the line. What I have written here barely scatches the surface, but I think you will know that. OCPD - which I’m convinced it is - seems to create extraordinary defensive structures that involve anyone who cares and just get bigger and bigger (and I’m not talking about the hoarded junk here!!). It’s so complex and very few people can comprehend it (lucky them). Thank you for your time and understanding. I wish you all the best with your journey too.

x