Struggling, Feeling Unreal

Hello Carers,

I am not very good at writing neither am I great at describing so I do apologize in advance if I don't make any sense. I have been feeling this whole year has been super unreal, struggling to understand and cope. The best way to describe it since last year, a wave of stressful events came towards my girlfriend and I. Stressful and traumatic, which had to her to have her DID come to the surface.

Her other personality known as L (not saying full name for safety reasons) but L basically has declared that she hated me. Is known to be an aggressive personality who screams, wanting to wreck everything, hurt her family which resulted in her constantly getting tied down by the doctors and nurses due to the violence. My girlfriend, N has been the nicest and most lovely partner I have ever had. I never had good experience with past relationships, either getting abused or taken advantage of which N has always been patient and loving with me about. I have always done the best I can to be with N, and to be there with N.

But as time past, I felt more and more things were getting hidden from me. From her caretaker J, and pretty much up till N made her decision to go through Integration since L was not cooperating as the doctors gave her a choice. The side effect is memory loss, unsure how much she'd lose and who's going to remember. Knowing that..sometime May..was the last time I got in contact with her, making the promise that I'd wait and be patient to keep trying to remind her about us. Fast forwards to 2 months worth of silence, I couldn't contact her. J disappeared...no one was telling me what was going on till I went to her place directly only to be told that she had no idea who I am and that she has no recollection of who I am other than my name. To think 3 years worth of memories would be gone, and that I am this complete stranger. I have managed to reconnect and got to a point of where she does seem to care for me, but at the same time I am unsure where are we at.

All I had was "I don't have feelings for you because I don't remember you". How do people deal with this? Even if I am going as strong as I can be, how do I cope with this? Everyday I felt like I am losing friends that calls me selfish, and walking away. Befriending her behind my back, and siding her...and all I am trying to do..is just keep to the promise that she asked me to me. I miss her a lot, I miss my partner N a lot, I never thought that memory loss would happen throughout this year, and that how patiently I waited to hope that she be better. What more...why did the doctors, caretaker and everyone hid this from me? Now I am roaming around with limited information and trying to understand and find out what happened during the time of her disappearance. It makes me felt like everything I did was for nothing, I feel so unreal. Like I don't exist. This is so hard, even though I am doing my best to try and pull it back to place.

I am sorry if this sounded selfish and upsetting. I just don't know the answers, I feel like everyone is trying to keep her away from me and I am just chasing an empty canvas. there's a lot I wish to write but..I don't know how to continue to write as this is a hard experience for me to talk about. I don't know how to cope.

I don't want to lose her..I really don't want to lose anymore people that I care about so much..