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Up slightly from rock bottom

believeinmeSenior Contributor07 June 2016, 1:47 pm AEST

Up slightly from rock bottom

Hi Everyone,

2 weeks ago and before, I was in solid employment dealing with bullying. It was really wearing on me. I have BP2, and have had a horrible year where I lost the job I loved and had to get ECT. Anyway, I lost/resigned from this recent job on advice of my psychiatrist who was seeing the effects and didn't want it to send me to hospital again.

Last week I was REALLY unwell and mourning the loss of yet another job, identity and patch of wellness. Now I'm just kinda really unwell and trying to figure out which way is up. I am scared of losing my partner (his employment is unstable too right now because of a redundancy). My doc has taken me off of some drugs, but I see him weekly. I oscillate between boredom, wanting to jump out of my skin and wanting to disappear. I manage to cope when my child is around, but I'm only coping. I'm sick of my life just being a long series of coping and trying to keep myself alive. I have no idea what to do with my life, and it's exhausting trying to figure it out. Like super-critically-exhausting. The job hunt exacerbates those feelings of having no idea how to be "BP Me" in the workplace or even what kind of work or workplace to aim for. I am "overqualified" to work some jobs (they say) but I can't get jobs equal to my education/skills because of a wide range of reasons.

I'm ruining our retirement by having to take from it just to keep us afloat. It's so hard to see myself making half the wages (when I can find work) that I used to make before I was ill. My illness really worsened at some point after my child's birth, and it stresses me that I might not be able to have another baby because I'm so unwell.

Please be nice. I don't think I could deal with someone not being nice.

Thanks, believeinme

4 replies

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In response to: Up slightly from rock bottom

Unknown userMember07 June 2016, 5:15 pm AEST

Re: Up slightly from rock bottom

Hi @believeinme,

A very warm welcome to the SANE Forums

It sounds like you have had a difficult 12 months! Losing a job that you worked towards and loved is not easy, particularly when you are not able to get a job equal to what you had in the past. Mourning this loss can take time, especially because we tend to make our job part of who we are and can then sometimes question our own identity when that is no longer there.

You seem to have a good insight into your symptoms and are linked in with professional support, who seems to be working well with you, which is good to hear. I know it can feel isolating sometimes and it is hard when you feel like you are going day to day just trying to cope and keep yourself alive. It is nice to hear that your child helps you to cope. Is there anything else that assists your coping?

I can hear that you have a few concerns on your mind and while they are all important and need to be thought about, I'm wondering whether maybe you need some time to focus on yourself and your health, even if its just for a night or a couple of hours. When we are going through a hard time it is important that we remember to be knid to ourselves as well.

Look forward to "seeng" you on the forums soon

Take care

In response to: Re: Up slightly from rock bottom

AppleblossomSenior Contributor10 June 2016, 4:02 pm AEST

Re: Up slightly from rock bottom

@believeinme It sounds as if you are taking stock of a lot of things and that takes time and energy.

I dont have a BP diagnosis. But staying in tune with the "rock" theme... one of the most helpful concepts for me was "being grounded"... Keeping my feet on the floor .. getting down on the floor to be with kids ... keeping under the radar .. eventually things will pick up and improve and it helps to be habituated down low ... and also up there .. where the air can be a bit thin ...

Good Luck

In response to: Re: Up slightly from rock bottom

NikNikSenior Contributor10 June 2016, 8:28 pm AEST

Re: Up slightly from rock bottom

Hi @believeinme

Welcome to the Forums 🙂

Just as a FYI, tonight we have Friday Feast, if you want to join us for a virtual feast.

In response to: Up slightly from rock bottom

believeinmeSenior Contributor13 June 2016, 8:47 pm AEST

Re: Up slightly from rock bottom

I've spent the past week in bed and going slow and trying not to hate myself too much. I started a new drug. I've connected with others, and that seems to help. I find it challenging that many of the people I'm in most contact with are not the ones I feel connected to. I still have no idea what to do about work. That scares me to no end because I NEED my "stare at the walls" kinda days.

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