Clinical Depression + Agoraphobia + Anxiety

Hi and welcome to the forum, @msbertie,

I feel for what you have gone through, first being isolated in an abusive relationship, and now being isolated in a remote location on your own. You have come to a good place to find some online companionship. There will be quite a few people on the forum who relate to aspects of your experience, myself included.

My history with bipolar disorder includes a 7 year period during which I rarely left my flat. I have a partner, so the isolation was not total. But I became very dependent on him for shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. I didn't even go outside to check the mail. For a long time I slept for up to 20 hours a day. I lost all motivation for anything aside from computer activities. I'm still recovering from all this but things have improved a lot for me over the past year since arriving here on the forum and finding better support in real life too to assist in a gradual self-rehabilitation process.

It's a pity you are finding little relief from medication or counselling. It sounds like you are seeing a GP and psychologist. I've had more experience being treated for my mental illness by psychiatrists and have been lucky enough to always find people who will bulk bill me, which means I am able to see them in an ongoing way. I found my current psychiatrist by doing google searches and ring-arounds to ask about bulk-billing, and then asked my GP to refer me to the specialist of my choice. But I'm not sure how possible this might be in your current situation, given your location. This probably works best in a city. You are doing the right thing though, by engaging whatever medical and psych assistance you can at this time.

There are quite a number of night owls on the forum, including myself, who chat in the discussion thread called Night Shift, which now operates as a kind of virtual drop-in place any time of the day or night. Feel free to click the link to the last page of the discussion and join in if you wish. There's often someone around to chat daily. Kind wishes to you.

Thanks for the reply wow 7 years If I dont have a break from this situation before that time I dont think I could handle it I suppose haveing contact with another person daily being your partner must of helped a great deal although Im sure that it had its complications also I will def have a look at nightshift so thankyou for the suggestion I just woke up so I will jump back on shortly thanks again for sharing I feel like im the only person in the world living like this atm so its horrible but nice at the same time to hear someone else lived somewhat the same way.

Hi MsBerti, welcome I am new to & happy I found this site, as it is very friendly. I am sorry you have been through so much. When I was younger I found Women's Health Clinics and their DV Shelters helped me a lot, the shelters are secure for women fleeing DV, they have staff that can help you resettle and get the medical help you need and it is all confidential. The doctor you have an appt with should be able to tell you where to find the nearest clinic and shelter. So I hope you find the help you need to feel better and find some respite from your troubles soon. Bye for now. 1stepup61

Hi thanks for replying but you have misunderstood I have fled a year ago now and for safety reasons have a place in remote but secure location but all great points I contacted safe steps when I was in the midst of leaving and they put me in a hotel for a few weeks and then I was able to find a private rental cheap enough and far enough away to move into thank goodness could not imagine having to go into a shelter or refuge with agoraphobia I honestly dont think I would of been able to do it really. But again thank you so much for the response.

Hi @msbertie I'm sorry it took me a while to get back to you. Have been trying to find the right words to reply here.

Firstly I want to say be gentle with yourself about the time it takes to recover. The after-effects of such terrible experiences are complex, too many to mention.

Some background - I've been in two violent relationships and the second time it took me much longer to recover - still a work in progress. I moved interstate twice to leave the first one behind me but this more recent one (left in 2009 after a really bad assault) is still only 1/2 an hour away as far as I know. The police charged him with assault causing grievous bodily harm and that meant a long drawn out court case which was an awful period for me. And the trauma pushed me into a bipolar mania which culminated in hospital but at least then the bipolar was properly diagnosed and the right medication eased the full-on flight state I was still living in for months.

I think you've done the right thing moving to where he can't find you as my ex showed up at my doorstep several times - long story but I am free of him now.

Even after the bipolar was better managed (also still a work in progress), I lived with social phobia (a type of agoraphobia), anxiety to the point of panic attacks, even just when doing my shopping, and long periods of major depression and total withdrawal. I isolated in the extreme even though I am living in the suburbs. I still get anxious quite often and am fighting depression at the moment, but I have 'progressively desensitized' about going to visit the couple of friends I still have and doing the shopping and going to the library. I also lost my voice completely for about 6 weeks. So I really do get what's happening for you. I am in public housing flats and sometimes my neighbours have violent fights - this is always a huge trigger for me and makes me hypervigilant on top of everything else.

One thing I wanted to mention is that through all this I also have complex post traumatic stress disorder involving triggers into memory flashbacks, but it has lessened over the last couple of years. When I read what you have been through I wondered if this could be part of the picture for you too and it might be worth asking your psychologist about.

I think it's great that you have joined the forums and am happy to chat with you more any time. I hope my response is ok with you and I haven't just talked about me too much, but I can only respond from my own lived experience.

I agree with @Mazarita about the method of extending where you can drive to - that would be an example of progressive desensitization. What also has helped is learning breathing methods to relax out of anxiety attacks, mindfulness practices and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) - all of which you can google or talk to the psychologist about.

Take care @msbertie. Look forward to hearing from you.

Hello @msbertie

Sorry I have jumped in later in your thread as this was the first chance I have had to read your post and respond. I am so pleased you joined this forum and reached out - I must admit I have been touched deeply by all the posts and shared experiences on this thread. It made me realise that others have and do suffer as I did. I really felt so alone when I went through my years of agrophobia, chronic anxiety (especially on separation from partner) and major depression. I am so grateful for this site.

I had a major breakdown five years ago due to many factors incorporating loss, illness, PTSD, chronic anxiety/depression, menopause/thyroid disorder, trauma, long standing stress and abuse - DV from my daughter. But the difference in my situation is I didn't have to leave my home - my daughter did but fast forwarding 5 hrs later she is back with us and loving (still with faults but much better).

I didn't leave the home on my own for 3 yrs but like @Mazarita I had a partner to support and help me. But no other help family wise, and felt very alone in what I was going through. Lucky I did have someone as I could not get out of bed and needed assistance. My anxiety/depression was disabling. I felt no one understood what I was going - that I was the only one that reached such depths of despair and suffering. But now I know I was wrong.

I think you are amazing to have come as far as you have on your own. I remember contacting the mental health support group GROW when in that state - and even talking over the phone helped. My husband would accompany me to the meetings and they would phone or come over to see how I was going. It may help you to give your local group a phone call and explain to them your situation. They may be able to offer assistance or advice for how you can gain help face to face (one of them may be able to accompany you if you feel they are trustworthy?). Just a thought to ways you can start to connect with people who understand.

You will find companionship here as has been expressed so kindly above. And I am here if you should ever want to chat (although not a night owl I can be up until 1:00 am some evenings). Hope to see you around more. Kind regards xx

Hi @msbertie how are you going tonight?

Hi Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and to share your personal experience gosh living in public housing flats must be difficult I was not willing to wait in a shelter or refuge for public housing so I found a private rental Im a little relieved to hear someone that has gone through something similiar I guess one of the biggest things that consumes my thoughts as well as better times in the past is the fact that I dont seem to be getting over anything and I am finding this very frustrating I just dont have any motivation to atleast excersise or move I go from bed to the couch I clean a very small 1 bedroom place which takes all of 20 mins once every couple of weeks wash whatever dishes I have and do clothes washing for one once a week or so thats it I feel like I am paralized and cant move most of the time as I feel mostly terrified of what I am not sure as it does not have any logic to it its just how it is at the moment I cry alot mainly about missing my life before the DV relationship as I was very happily married but he left but still I cry for that life back then nearly everyday its very hard not to look to the past as I cant see any relief or happiness in my future yet Im hoping it will get better I just dont know what it will take for things to change I keep waiting for something but Im not sure what that thing is. Thank you again so much for telling me your situation you sound really strong and as for the PTSD I also have that as well but its sort of on the bottom of the list for me but I do relate thats for sure some nights or most nights I want to go crazy as I just cant stop the memories and nightmares but I dont take any medication and I also think its one of the reasons I tend to sleep during the day rather then at night if at all as sleeping during the day just feels more comfortable, more safe if that makes sense even though it doesnt if you know what I mean. Thank you again!

Thank you so much for telling your experience I am very grateful I am in a rural location so I dont have access to any real services I have a psychologist meeting me at my gps for 10 visits really as a favor to the Gp to maybe get me through a pinacle point im not really sure as I have now had 3 sessions and Im not confident on how much can be achieved in 10 visits whilst I am thankful to be able to see someone at all I guess there is a mental health unit about an hour away but I dont give them much credit Im sorry to say they were called out to see me at one point months ago and to say I was hysterical was putting it mildly it was a Friday afternoon he told me to hang on over the weekend and I didnt hear anything from him again for nearly 4 weeks the office number he provided just rang out as it was never manned so I wouldnt even bother with them again they also would not have anyone do outreach treatment anyway and I am in no way able to drive that distance from anxiety and pain so what I have at the moment is it but thank you for the suggestion I wish I had of been able to find somewhere on the hop as I was in a little bit more of a central location for services if nothing else but it just didnt work out like that so I just make the most of it now. So happy for you that you have now made it out the other side of your experience you are very lucky.

Im hanging in there thank you for asking hope you are well and have had a great weekend.