LesmallContributor
Looking for people who get it
Hi everyone,
I'm 25 years old and living in regional South Australia, but I'm originally from NSW. I was diagnosed with BPD just under 6 years ago after a long struggle with mental health. Following my diagnosis I relocated interstate and started studying at a new tertiary institution while sitting on a waiting list in Newcastle for an advanced and immersive DBT clinic where I was hoping to receive treatment and eventually manage to level out some of my symptoms. However after a full year of being on the waiting list and deteriorating I moved back to SA to be with the support network I had established here.
I know that while there are certain similarities in the way that BPD presents in different people, there are also some very unique symptoms that vary from person to person. For me, this results in several of the more severe traits of a personality disorder, as well as experience severe depression and some episodes of mania associated with mood disorders.
I HEAR VOICES!
There are 5 personalities in my head, including myself. I optimistically like to believe that I am the 'main' persona, but I may just be fooling myself.
Over the past 6 years I have received numerous different treatments and therapies, most successfully culminating in a combination of medication (mood stabiliser) and also I went through rigorous DBT with my psychologist in a one-on-one targeted approach. Having done years of CBT prior this approach was refreshing in that I felt I was finally gaining some control. I was able to safely explore the various traumas from my childhood that resulted in my personalities and to finally foster some empathy for myself about why I am the way I am.
I'm happy to say that in the past six years I have managed to overcome many of the barriers I placed upon myself. I have challenged the stigmas that terrified me so much when I was diagnosed, and have come to honestly believe that I am not the toxic manipulator that so many of the things I have read say BPD patients are. I am engaged to be married, and have two beautiful stepsons (12 and 8). My fiancee and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary in June, where we also got engaged.
I have successfully completed both an undergraduate degree in music (Jazz Composition) and a Masters degree in teaching and am now teaching music (and other things) at a small primary school. I love my job and love the opportunity to work with such beautiful young people and potentially shape their lives. For the most part I am a 'normal' person (whatever that is) and I feel largely in control of my mental health. I have somewhat accepted that my brain will always be like this, and that I will never be able to remove the voices, without also removing a large part of what makes me who I am. My fiancee has been such a big part of my healing journey and she knows intimately my diagnosis and symptoms.
Despite all these amazing things that I have to be grateful for, and despite me knowing that there are so many people in the world struggling far more than myself, I can't shake the way I feel right now. I still get bouts of depression. I still become disheartened and lose control over my thoughts and actions. I still sometimes say things I don't mean in order to push people away because I fear that if I don't then they will just abandon me anyway. I still can be toxic to my relationship out of fear of what could happen. I still can't fully allow myself to believe that I am worthy of love. I'm still broken in so many ways that I can't reconcile myself with. I still struggle to accept that maybe I will never get better.
Sometimes I just feel like I need someone that understands how I feel. And while my fiancee loves me unconditionally, and while she is the most understanding and caring person I have ever met, and while she listens and accepts every part of me, I can't help but sometimes feel like a disappointment. Because she sends endless love to me and sometimes I reject her unneccessarily for fear that if I don't then maybe she will. And even when my heart knows I'm wrong, it's not always strong enough to combat my head.
I know I've written way too much, and I'm sorry for that. Thanks for reading if you made it to the end - and hopefully at some point I'll be able to offer some advice, a helping hand, or at least some non-judgemental listening in return some day.
Thanks,
Lesmall
