This is too hard

@Eden1919 Hey Eden1919 sorry to hear that you are going through this. I went through a similar thing years ago when I was very sick (not saying that you are sick now). I wish I could write more about it but the censors won't allow it. I just wanted to say that I am hearing you and wish I could say something more to help. Your friend peaxx

Hi @Eden1919 , I'm sorry you are struggling with this so much. I think this might have been going on for some time and maybe getting worse for you? Just want you to know I saw your post. Wish I had something more helpful to suggest or try.

Have you spoken to anyone about this?

@Eden1919

Bottom line we all have to eat.

Food issues are tricky and everyone has to deal with it at some point in their lives, even if they dont care and are in denial, food and biology will catch up one day ....

Can you switch your thinking around to focus on your good foods list? Maybe draw them, imagine them, meditate on them or something gentle like that? Not saying all the other stuff wont be there too, but somehow if we crowd out the unhelpful thinking with more helpful ways of looking at the situation ... it can make a difference. You might figure out some yum food combinations or recipes you had not thought of before.

@Bunniekins thanks the censors are tricky with this issue.

@Gazza75 yes it has been going on for around 15 years now and although i have tried to tell people nobody ever listens including doctors and i just cant go through that again at the moment. it is a lot worse.

@Appleblossom but thats the problem i dont WANT to eat at all if i could just never eat again i would and when i say "good foods" they arent really good they are just not as bad but if i eat literally anything i feel extreemly guilty and want to hurt myself after. and i do nothing but focus on food it is in my dreams it is constantly in the back of my mind and i can never escape it despite trying desperatly to find a way away from it constantly. it is like saying to a drug addict that they have to take the drug they are most addicted to everyday multiple times but not loose control or to only take so much or to just keep functioning even while having to take this thing they know messes them up terribly. I am not trying to sound annoyed at you but i just feel like no one "gets" it like no matter how much i try i cant stop this myself I have been trying for 15 years and nothing i can do helps and no one is willing to help me so i dont understand what i am meant to do anymore.

Hi @Eden1919

I do hear you - I think the problem is something about not being able to trust the people you have turned to for help - somewhere in your past you had a bad time with professional people and medication and now you keep a lot locked inside you and I don't think it's that people are not listening - it's that you find it really hard to share and the details are lost in the confusion you feel - and you don't say it - it seems as if it's locked up inside you

I have read a lot of your threads and it seems as if you can share the things that bother you with us - I am wondering about the voices that control you so much - they seem to have a lot of power - are you able to tell them to stop harrassing you while you talk to someone about some of the issues that cause you so much concern?

I can hear you crying out for help - I don't know how to assist you because you have so many problems trusting people and it seems no one else can help either - yet you share with us and I understand what you are writing

Could you write what you share with us and actually give it to a professional person - woud the voices allow you to do that?

We all have to learn to trust - it might be easier for some people because they have a different story - your story seems like such a lonely one. I am glad you saw the psychologist you saw recently - are you able to see this person again. I know your voices were angry with you after you were there. You know they can't hurt you and you don't need them to have so much power - I wish I was able to help you with that but I am not a counsellor - just someone who has read a lot of what you write

And I do wish you the best

Dec

@Owlunar I get what you are saying but I DID tell the professionals i told them i wasnt eating and that it hurt and that i couldnt stop no matter how hard i tried and they ignored me and told me some horrible things which i cant repeat on here because of the guidlines. and then i told the next doctor and the next and the next and they all ignored it. i told 3 different psychologists and only one took it seriously but she said she couldnt help and tried to reffer me to the eating disorders service who said they wouldnt take me because i had too many other problems and they couldnt be bothered. i HAVE told them I HAVE tried to trust them and every time they made things worse and everytime i was left to pick up the pieces alone and in pain. i dont not trust them because of one time with one person i dont trust them because there has only been 3 good people and the other 100 where all horrible. I cried and cried out so much that i couldnt speak anymore and all that is left now is me trying to ignore everything because i cant fight with them anymore when i dont even have enough energy to fight with myself. and as for the voices and the others yes they get upset with me and yes they make things hard but if i am honest they are still kinder to me than the mental health system has been. they get mad but they get mad for a reason and we work it out and they know it is hard but they are just trying to help me even if they do it in a bad way they still care which i know sounds weird but they do and they have never done as much damage to me and the doctors and stuff have. but they can hurt me and they have just not in the way that the doctors do. the voices/others are real maybe not to you or anyone else but they are real and they do make things happen.

@Eden1919, 15 years is such a long time to battle with this especially with how big an impact it has had on your life. Is it mainly the voices that make it so hard or is it something that is within you and always been there? I don't mean to pry, I'm just trying to understand this a little more if I can. It's admirable that you have been brave enough to try and get help from so many people despite having such a negative experience along the way.

@Eden1919

I am not implying that the voices are not real to you - they are. We all have an inner life of some kind that is entirely real to us - it's different for every person and I would say most people would not be brave enough to talk about it - but it's there.

It must be terribly lonely for you to have had so few people out of so many prepared to listen to you. I know you had bad experiences with medication in the past and have firmly decided not to take anymore - and this is a very brave stance to take. I wonder if the people you have talked to get frustrated when you refused to take medication - I can understand that too but it's their problem and somehow they are not prepared to deal with your situation under those circumstances and this must be problematic for you.

Most of us keep our private inner lives very much to ourselves - we can be just as strong-minded about our preferences - personally I have a lot of allergies to medications and different food so I keep away from those - fortunately people respect allergies while they might be vary about other causes for people to avoid things

I guess they don't understand which is very hard for you. I really don't know what to suggest - I just hope you find someone you can trust - someone who does understand you.

Our inner lives are very precious to us - mostly we don't have voices that talk to us so strongly - but how do we discuss our opinions and what causes us to have preferences and choices? We all have something that causes us to act the way we do

I wish you the best - even if I don't respond to everything you write I still read a lot of what you share with us. Life must be very difficult for us - to me you seem to be very isolated and vulnerable - my suggestion is that you keep writing - even though it might be hard to understand your situation none of us are running away from you - we are trying to understand

And you are entitled to your beliefs - as are we all

Dec

@Gazza75 it is not the voices that make the eating hard.

@Owlunar I am not really asking for suggestions here.... i mostly just need a place to vent that isnt just writing in my journal.