Hi @Former-Member, Thank you for your support. I appreciate you sharing your experience. Hope you are finding a place of healing and using what you’ve learned to recover.
For me mental anguish is long term and been long building. My personality is a highly sensitive type. Raised with emotional neglect and a realisation mother was narcissist, and one sister a narcissist as well and enabled each other in their pursuits to mentally abuse me and 2 other sisters. Mother died 13months ago.
My nature is passive with low self esteem so I was scapegoat. I haven’t done any inner child healing, so it’s still affecting my relationships today. I have a huge fear of rejection and abandonment. My daughter has NDIS funding for her autism. I became a nanna 5 years ago, 2 years in the relationship is on a decline to this year resulting in being discarded as part of my sons, his wife and their children’s lives.
They resent my care for my daughter as they had an unspoken expectation that I would be saving them childcare fees, but it is not happening . I am no longer of benefit. I just feel like my family life is really really small these days. I am bungling NDIS appointments for my daughter and find myself having more panic attacks and dread and doom thoughts and feelings, wondering if I will see my son again.
I spoke to someone today on the phone, one of those bungled appointments rang me up and I nearly broke down with her, she asked me if I had those ending things feelings and I said no. It really sucks that my family of origin was crap and now my son and his family, I’m losing, what is it about me. I think its my kind and passive nature and sharing hurts of past that allow toxic people to use and discard me. I am broken.
My own thoughts now I feel like there will be a time of no more suffering and that would be refreshing but I don’t think I could do that, to make it come quicker, and I would not do that to my husband or daughter. I have lost hope though of ever having life that is not loaded with anguish and sadness. There are so many complex things to feel hopeless about over my adult daughters autism. I am becoming unravelled. Loss of hope is the worst feeling because then it’s a realisation this feeling could not be resolved. I am seeing psychologist on 27th September, but the lady on the phone call wants me to see someone sooner.
I feel I disengage or disassociate as a way of coping or not, hence not being connected to things I need to focus on eg, appointments, etc. then bungling and getting wrong dates. done this 3 times in one month. I am too scared for anyone to see I’m not coping. What do people do with or to you when you admit these things ,force you into hospital, never trust you again? Take your dependants from you. Thankyou for being here for me.
