PlantLadyContributor
Finding Thankfulness
I haven't been on the forums too much lately; I've been more focused on myself. After realising how much my partner's mental ill health affected me, and realising my own mental ill health I recognised that it was time to heal. I think there is still such a strong stigma around mental health, and a lot of expectation that people should "sweep it under the rug" and return to a "normal" life or to how life was before an episode or diagnosis. I accept that life will never be the way it was before, but I do not accept that mental ill health has to confine us.
I found a great anology in one of my favourite plants. When I first bought it, my orchid was happy enough, it was healthy and had a couple of flowers. After the last flower fell, the plant was bare and it was ugly. The orchid was forgotten about for a while, kept in the dark and not watered. One day I saw it and was surprised it was still alive (barely). I knew that if I wanted it to flower again, I'd have to cut off part of the old stem. I was unsure if it would work, but I cut the stem. I put the orchid in a new pot, gave it some light and watered it carefully. I thought it might come back half as good as it was before; if I was lucky. But sure enough, with a little bit of love, the orchid came back, and it was better than it ever was before. The stem still bears a scar from where I cut it off, but that's what allowed the orchid to flower again. Because I cut off the stem, the orchid could grow in a new direction, and flower like never before.
My orchid's story is an anlogy of what my partner and I went through. We went through times where it was ugly, he was struggling to stay alive. We had to let some dreams go, and let our lives go in a different direction to how we had planned. But now we are thriving. Stronger than I had ever imagined, more thankful for every blessing that we have. Sure, we're both still scarred from when he was really unwell, and there are times where his symptoms are tough, but we are alive.
I'm thankful that I now know his triggers. I can help him be aware of what's happening and help reduce the triggers (such as stress) to reduce his symptoms. He can trust me to always have his back.
I'm thankful that we had to talk about things that are difficult to talk about, because now we are more open with each other. I know him on a different level; I know his deepest pains and regrets and his hardest moments. I know what makes him himself. I know the things that have led to his mental ill health. And I've been more open with him about my struggles. We trust each other so much that we can be open to each other in a way we never were before.
I'm thankful that we went through hard moments together. We don't really fight about anything, because it's nothing compared to what we've been through. Arguments seem so inconsequential when we're just thankful to be alive.
I'm thankful that I've seen him at his lowest, because although it was tough, now I see how far he has come and I am so proud of him. I've seen how strong and determined he is, and I'm so lucky to have seen that. I would never have had to see that side if it weren't for his mental ill health.
I'm thankful that he had to utilise his whole support team, because now he knows how many people love him and have his back. He knows everyone's so proud of him. Even "small" achievements that might be seen as a given to others (such as passing his units at uni), are really big achievements for him. Instead of focusing on what he hasn't achieved, everyone's proud of what he has achieved, because they know how hard it is for him.
I know that we won't be able to live together for a while, that he may never be able to work full time, that he will most likely be on medcation for the rest of his life, he'll deal with symptoms and side effects for the rest of his life. I know he might not get that dream job he wanted, we might not get the dream house that we wanted, or travel as much as we wanted. I know there will be times that he's really unwell again, and that it will be really tough, tougher than it has been so far. I know there will be more dreams we let go of, more compromises we'll make, more struggles we'll go through. But at the moment, none of that matters. We take it day by day. We are thankful for each blessing, for each little bit of travel we do, for each moment together, for each achievement he makes, for each improvement he makes. We're living at a slower pace but that's fine by me, it gives me more to be thankful for.
Plant Lady xxx
