PinkflowerCasual Contributor
Shock diagnosis
To start with, I’m a 30 year old female. I’ve been in treatment for mental illness since I was 16 - initially anorexia and depression - and my diagnoses have changed so much over the years. Most recently I was told I had bipolar 2 and OSFED. This was by a psychiatrist I trust/ed enormously with the last 7 years of my life. Prior to that I was repeatedly told I had BPD even though that didn’t fit right with me.
On Friday I saw my GP and she brought up a letter from my psychiatrist that said I have schizoaffective disorder, which is not a term that’s ever been used to describe my illness/es. I called my psychiatrist to explain to me on Monday and he got back to me today. He told me that we’d had this conversation, and said it was while I was having ECT, but the bipolar diagnosis didn’t even come up until 2 years after I had ECT. I do understand that I experience severe depression and mania when I’m unmedicated. I have had episodes of delusions - but usually when I’ve been severely depressed or in a mixed state.
I’m a professional working in an industry that would be extremely unsupportive if anyone ever found out. I know so little about schizoaffective disorder and feel like my psychiatrist didn’t really explain it very well. I feel devastated that I’m going to be on medication for the rest of my life, with side effects I hate, when my plan was in the next 2 years to see how I went cutting out some of the medication (obviously under the direction of my dr). Now none of that feels possible. I’m questioning myself and everything I do. I wanted to have kids, but I don’t want to pass this on. It took me a long time to accept the bipolar diagnosis and this seems so much more terrifying for me than having that. I’ve been crying on & off since Friday. I feel so alone with this. There’s maybe 2 people I can tell and I don’t feel like they really “get” it. I’m probably over reacting, but I just never thought this would be my life, you know?
